MCT is on sabbatical for now… but history repeats itself. So by clicking around and below you’ll find 100+ articles published here over the years that will always be relevant:
Note from MCT CEO Brian Friedkin:
From 2004 to around 2012 I regularly published articles here and then I lost interest– Some things like reader comments and polls are missing, but almost everything from MCT’s history is here. So if this stuff stimulates you click the links to Amazon and read my book, Zip PT Zoingzoing’s Adventures In Outer Space
Buy the Kindle book at Amazon for 1 measly buck! Or, Buy the Paperback for Only $5.50!
If you have such rotten taste to be on the MCT web site you will also be stimulated by Brian Friedkin’s book, Zip PT Zoingzoing’s Adventures In Outer Space —An outrageous travelogue through the Milky Way Galaxy. Renegade astronaut Zip PT Zoingzoing teamed up with Brian Friedkin to tell his story about traveling from planet to planet and encountering strangely familiar and crazy life forms. Below is one of the shortest chapters for you to sample, “The Planet Of Tiny Lights,” which is also dramatized above [via YouTube] by the Hoboken, Oregon Shakespeare Guild.
So click on this unique audio book excerpt– if you are stimulated blast off to Amazon to get more info, reviews, read the introduction, other excerpts and get the book, Zip PT Zoingzoing’s Adventures In Outer Space
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Meltingclocktimes.com launched an investigation into this dirty business of recycling toilet paper. MCT CEO and head investigative reporter, Brian Friedkin took a trip to a local sewage treatment plant to discover just how and under what conditions the toilet paper companies gather up the used toilet paper. He reports:
I entered through the sewage plant gates and saw many huge concrete vats of steaming shit. The smell was strong. An employee
MCT wrote about Dr. Vivold Linquensha more than a year ago. (link) Not only did he make billions in biotechnology, but Linquensha foresaw the housing collapse and shorted banks in 2008. (Linquensha likes short things) Linquensha became one of the richest men in the world. And what is Linquensha doing with his wealth now? He is buying Facebook. A spokesman for Linquensha read a statement to the press yesterday which said, “On March 15, Facebook will be under the ownership of Linquensha Enterprises. The sole owner of Facebook will be Vivold Linqeunsha. On March 15, the name will be changed to Buttbook. All users of Facebook will have one week to change their photos to their butts. All Facebook users who do not change their face photos to their butt photos by March 22 will have their accounts canceled.”
Sources say that Mark Zuckerberg said he wanted his old life back. A high ranking official in the Facebook establishment who wished to remain anonymous said that, “Linquensha offered the right money at the right time.” It was not clear if Zuckerberg was aware or concerned that Linquensha will be changing the face of Facebook.
But several Facebook users are quite consternated about the upcoming changes of substituting face photos with butt photos.
“This will make clicking on photos really
MCT end of the decade prognostication for the next decade and beyond:
Last updated in 2011 — But still relevant!
Are humans smarter than yeast? Yeast reproduce like crazy, eat up all their food and then die from starvation (resource depletion) and from their poisonous excrement waste (pollution). So we may have a future of Apocalypse and collapse. The world will be thrown into a new dark age with untold misery. In case this doesn’t happen–and we don’t believe this outcome will be less likely– we predict the the following possibilities:
Here are MCT predictions of how the human race may adapt to limited resources, or even newly found and utilized resources, (for example–a discovery of how to harness nuclear fusion or a solar energy breakthrough with people adapting to vast energy cut backs.)
So if the human race, for example, gets rid of cars or figures a way of electrifying transportation via trains and batteries with wind power (or a less likely nuclear fusion scenario) collapse may not happen. The following predicts a future if the human race turns out to be more adaptable than warlike, suicidal and destructive and not quite as dumb as yeast. What will life be like then? If things keep on going and growing and things turn out like the below you might think collapse will not be so terrible. Let’s just hope the future won’t have too much famine and misery. According to http://www.footprintnetwork.org the world would need eight earths for everyone to have lifestyle like the average American. So the below is a prediction of how the world may adapt to the future without a collapse—and it could be just as bad.
Stephen Montipoopleir of Paris, France has the world’s biggest nose. He works in the specialized field of perfume sampling. When perfume factories get batches of lavender or sarcophagus they need smellers to distinguish the good and bad batches. Motipoopleir’s nose is not only the biggest but it’s one of the best in the industry. Its big size makes for more nerves and olefactorous surface area resulting in a keen sense of smell. Even though perfume sales are down in the worldwide financial crisis, Montipoopleir says he still makes millions of Euros a year. His home is surprisingly modest for such a rich man. Montipoopleir lives in a working class area of Paris. Montipoopleir and a slightly overweight middle aged woman greeted me at the door.
I entered the house and shook Montipoopleir’s hand. He indicated the woman and said, “This is my servant. Get us some wine, woman.”
The woman made a scowl and said, “You are not going on with that again? People will just think you’re a banana nosed nut case.”
“Is that your wife?” I asked.
“Are you joking? I am surrounded by the most beautiful women in the world. Women half her age. The perfume industry’s fashion models. And they all love me. Women love my fame and big
Startling New Scientific Discovery:
Scientists at a Hoboken, Oregon University have discovered evidence that man evolved from a mating of a sheep and a cat, not from apes. The evidence, which seems absurd at first and flies in the face of long held established theories is turning the scientific community and evolutionary biology upside-down. Yale biologist Dr. Zergvried Mousenfrahzer said, “After I looked at the seemingly preposterous evidence of the cat fucking the sheep theory I found it quite convincing –I had to rethink many of my assumptions about human evolution.”
A group of Hoboken, Oregon University researchers pulled together an array of fossils from Africa and other continents finding many links of the cat/sheep thing and humans. But the thing that is really convincing scientists are the logical arguments that human behavior came down from cats and sheep and still underlies the psychology of man today. For example, the concept of, “Suspended Adolescence,” makes the case that cats form bonds with humans because they depend on humans for food and shelter. Cat owners become a mother to the animals. The cats are in a perpetual state of adolescence. Adolescence is a stage of life that is dependent but rebellious at the same time. Cats are dependent for food but at the same time we have phrases like, “You can’t herd cats.” Like young teens cats defy authority, and wander around on their own as if they are free and independent. But when they are hungry they reappear and whine like a baby. Likewise young teens develop attitudes that defy their parents: they wear clothes and listen to music that their parents don’t like. I was out in the MCT mansion botanical garden with my neighbor and his twelve year old son. My neighbor mentioned he doesn’t like cucumbers. His son typically jotted off many foods he didn’t like but said cucumbers was one of his favorites!
Not far from Hoboken Oregon, in Springfield, on 5th Street near downtown someone put a big sign in their Window, “We are doomed because we can’t work together for the common good.” Why can’t we work together? Because like our progenitor, the cat, humans don’t experience just an early teen stage of adolescence, humans are in perpetual adolescence. Take for example, the Glen Beck Tea Party rally
You think all would have turned out OK. But one hungry vampire got delirious on a popular nature trail just outside of town. The vampire was so hungry and out of it he that he mistook a tree for a neck and bit into it. Now as people venture out on the nature trail they are getting attacked by this now vampire tree.
“It is just terrible,” said Hoboken, Oregon resident Eloaod Mapupinziod, “You can’t go anywhere in the state park outside town there because no one is really sure exactly just where that tree is. And no one wants to get a surprise attack
I asked Melinda Goldbukeroos who flanked the left of a heavyweight, poorly dressed coventioneer who was a head shorter than her, why she was attending the convention, “Oh, I just love these guys. They are so down to earth and they don’t try and impress you by throwing money all over because they don’t have any. So you are just down to the essentials.”
LaTusha, who flanked the same fat guy on the right said,
Many paleontologists are coming to the conclusion that dinosaurs went extinct because they were gay. According to MIT scientist Dr. Irwin McCorynouat, “There is a growing body of paleontological evidence of widespread dinosaur homosexuality. Apparently many dinosaur species lack of interest in the opposite sex led to a reproduction decline that led to their demise.”
Although some scientists still believe a cataclysmic event such as a comet or climate change killed off the dinosaurs several fossil sites are throwing a monkey wrench into old theories. In a recent University of Montana dig researchers found two male dinosaur skeletons who died together in a loving embrace. Researchers are seeing simular gay entwined fossil positions at paleontological sites world wide. Paleontologists have unearthed several dinosaur species, such as the megasaurass and the lickalotapus, in various locations engaged in homosexual activities.
According to Dr. McCorynouat, “Scientists
Genetic scientists have done it again. Researchers at the Acme Genetics Corporation (Web site) have successfully produced dogs without assholes. “This will revolutionize the pet industry,” says Acme Genetics spokesman Ilvord Veganostrup. “Almost everyone loves dogs. But many people did not want to own dogs because of the inconvenience of cleaning up after them. We have eliminated that problem and have opened a whole new market for dog ownership.”
Acme Genetics scientists worked for years altering dog genetics. “We had several prototypes that unfortunately prematurely exploded,” said Veganstrup. “But our engineers did not give up. We engineered new dog
Is your life better than it was fifteen years ago because we have the Internet now? Think about it. Isn’t it a giant waste of time? Sure, putting parasites like travel agents, stock brokers and newspaper classified advertising monopolies out of business is good. Sure, the wealth of information is good. But mostly the Internet has turned into to a fucking waste of time. The Internet makes available so much information that no one can take it all in. So we have more and know less because there is too much of everything.
I was thinking the Internet is good because there’s so much fascinating stuff to read. Before the Internet people sat like zombies transfixed in front of televisions turning their brains into horseshit. (& if you are thinking, “I’m special because I watch sophisticated movies and documentaries,” –Fuck you. You’re still a couch potato in a vegetative state engrossed in fantasy world that someone else created.) So… I thought at least people read on the Internet. And reading educates, stimulates and exercises the brain–unlike TV and movies that turn you into a zombie. But I suspect people are not watching TV much less. And people are not reading so much via the Internet–they’re watching youtube videos. So the Internet is just another vehicle for TV. Then there are all the social networks where you can spend hours just clicking on pictures of your, “friends.” Is that not a colossal waste of time?
Since MCT is on the avant-guard of world trend setting culture we contemplated getting a Facebook/Twitter account for MCT CEO’s Brian Friedkin’s intestinal gas and fecal matter. That way you can stay updated to the breaking split second whenever MCT CEO Brian Friedkin farts or takes a shit. But isn’t there enough shit already on the Internet?
So turn off the computer–it’s springtime. Go outside, go into the mountains and wrestle a bear, or get lost in a forest. If you live near the ocean go jump in the water and wrestle a shark. If you’re near the desert go drag your varicose veins over the rocks and cactus. Go talk to your neighbors. The problem is that you’re all uninterested in each other because how can you stir anyone’s interest if you’re glued to computers and TV screens all your life? Go have sex with your wife or girlfriend instead of wasting your time with Internet porn. If you have no mate go see some strippers and at least interact with a live human. Women, go screw your boyfriends and husbands. If you don’t have one quit being so hard to get. Take a chance on someone. You never know, something good might come out of it.
Some people go on about how the oil companies control everything. Others believe the CIA, or Goldman Sachs, or Dick Cheney, or Jews, or even Frank Sinatra (who is still alive) are pulling the strings and in charge of it all. Meltingclocktimes.com investigative reporters have discovered that Hiemie Smielsnucker, an unassuming, short, bald and fat guy who lives in suburban New Jersey is actually the guy who is in control of the world.
Hardly anyone knows it but Hiemie Smielsnucker is behind everything. He controls oil companies, banks, financial markets, the military, the media and government leaders all over the world are his puppets. You may not have heard of him before but world figure heads from Bill Gates to Barack Obama to the Saudi Royal family know him well and do whatever he says.
A top CIA official confided to us, “The CIA actually
How these hippies got into space is a great mystery. NASA official Edsel Googerbran said, “I think these hippies may have somehow got tangled up with a weather ballon and were catapulted into space. They may have been orbiting the Earth for years.”
Others are offering theories as to how the VW hippie van got up there. Another NASA official said, “I think they may have been screwed up from the marijuana, took a wrong turn and ended up on a jet runway. Perhaps they somehow got tangled up with a jet and were dragged up into the atmosphere. Who knows what may have happened?”
Edwin Tomato says his family has had the name “Tomato” for centuries and all farmers and produce dealers owe him and his family back royalties for using his family name for their food product. “There is no evidence that any of my ancestors gave any farmer the right to use our name with the vegetable that it is associated with. This is an outright violation my families intellectual property rights.”
In the middle ages people thought tomatoes were poisonous and didn’t eat them. Tomato believes that his great, great, great x 24 grandfather in the 17th century was one of the first farmers to cultivate and popularize the eating of tomatoes, and then his name stuck. “That relative of mine and his sons and descendants who grew the vegetable were the only ones who had the right to use the name tomato. Everyone else owes us licensing fees for use of the name.
“It is as if right after Coke started selling their product and every other company that made a cola drink started calling themselves ‘Coke’ also. That is outright trademark infringement and that is what has been happening to my family for centuries. These trademark infringers need to
Hundreds feared dead
It was a typical American town, with tract homes, a shopping mall, fast food chains, a Walmart surrounded by a huge parking lot and a dead down town. One thing that was unique in Hoboken, Oregon was the Acme whipped cream factory. Yesterday, a terrible explosion rocked the Acme whipped cream factory and buried the entire town seven to ten feet deep in whipped cream. Perhaps hundreds of people have died in this terrible tragedy. Emergency crews are still digging through thick whipped cream trying to find survivors. The whipped cream is getting stiff and rescue workers are giving up hope that the many people still buried under the thick mass of whipped cream will survive.
Already, a day after this terrible event, as the whipped cream hardens survivors and others are saying, “Leave the whipped creamed buried town to be as a monument to the future!” So exclaimed Mayor Jelbert McStunkoil. Yesterday he climbed out of the cream and went to work leading the rescue effort. But a day later McStunkoil said, “There is little hope of finding more people in the giant mass of whipped cream. Let us leave the whipped cream like it is as a tribute to victims of this terrible tragedy. One day Hoboken, Oregon, perhaps a thousand years hence will be what Pompeii is now. The citizens of Hoboken will not have died in
MCT Investigative Report:
–And that includes you reader!
Modern life in America, and the world for that matter, has led to social conditions and an environment that has caused mental disease in everyone. “What?” you exclaim, “Are you saying there exists no one who is sane in the entire United States?” Right. If there is anyone out there that is not crazy, they would have to be crazy to live amidst such a huge confederacy of crazy people. For anyone to maintain sanity in this world is pure insanity-so that only proves our point that everyone is crazy.
Are you wondering, “Just what makes you think everyone is crazy? I know a lot of people who are getting on just fine.” If that thought entered your head, it shows you are crazy yourself. Most everyone is plagued by ridiculous beliefs, crazy behavior –drug addictions for example. (And that includes Americas two most abused drugs-TV and religion.)
A few years back George Carlin summed up the contagion of crazy beliefs, “What is all this shit
Justervod Elsap was a normal guy who watched football, drank beer and worked in a hardware store in Chicago. Last Tuesday he woke up with curly sideburns and insisted on wearing black clothes and a yarmulke. He surprised his buddies when instead of serving beer and pretzels at a football watching get together at his house he served Manischewitz wine with gefilte fish.
Howard McToggleburg, a garbage man in Philadelphia, showed up for work in traditional rabbi attire and held a Torah. He slowed up work because he gave each garbage can a blessing to make sure it was kosher before throwing it into the truck. Philadelphia garbage officials put McToggleburg on sick leave and sent him home.
The virus is causing problems for some folks like Viril and Chesepeak Mchooterswap who are pig farmers outside of Hoboken, Oregon. “This virus is
Bertold Humbucker is a third generation owner of New York’s Big Apple Pipe and Tobacco Shop. “You wouldn’t believe how many people call and think they are funny and original with the Price Albert routine,” he says.
But yesterday was different when 15 year old Louis Smortwart called and said, “Do you have Prince Albert in a Can?”
Instead of Humbucker giving his usual reply of, “No, I got him out of the can and shoved him up your mother’s asshole,” he said, “Congratulations! You are the 10,000,000th caller with that stupid prank. I would like to present you with a plaque and a hundred dollar gift certificate.”
“Wow,” said the kid who’ll get
Harold Washington takes the subway daily from the South Bronx to uptown Manhattan where he crouches over as a piano bench, “Sure, it’s not the most dignified job, but it pays the bills and I am not unemployed anymore. The job’s OK except for the weekly visits from a fat piano teacher who gives lessons to the daughter of the Goldman Sachs tycoon I work for.”
A new sport is sweeping the nation. Skydivers are jumping out of planes without parachutes. They are attaching themselves to a string of live turkeys. Apparently the turkeys go nuts and flap their wings and act as a parachute. And with live turkeys going for less than a dollar a pound it costs a lot less than a parachute which can cost over a thousand bucks. With the economy in the tank people–parachutists included–are looking to cut costs.
“Turkey parachuting is really opening the plane door for a lot of skydivers who normally would be put off by the high price of parachutes,” says skydiving instructor Nebold Einacracker. “Since turkeys are cheaper than parachutes we offer lower prices now for skydiving lessons and jumps. People also like jumping from a plane using natural live turkeys, not an artificial petroleum based parachute.”
We are republishing the following because it fits the Halloween season and explains the headless elections coming up:
A shocking update to Washington Irving’s “Headless Horseman!“
Horsemen do not travel America’s roads today, but the headless are more numerous than ever. Beware!
It is deep into October. The days are short and a long black gloom haunts the night. Eeriness creeps in from the clammy midnight air. It was in October when Washington Irving wrote about Ichabod Crane and the headless horseman. Irving must have looked out his window in the dead October black and got a chill. What was out there?
Have you wondered what happened to the headless horseman? Does he still roam the deserted night roads and haunt the nervous traveler anxious to get home safe from unseen eyes that spy him from the dim woods, and from underneath the bridges?
Surely you do not literally think there is such a creature, do you reader? It is all a fiction, right? I would like to laugh off the story of Ichabod. But why has Irving’s tale lasted two hundred years? Do you not feel something there in the dank lightless October still hours? Something, I dread, still roams the lonely roads. The hideous spirit that haunted Ichabod still stalks us. These ghouls have even multiplied! Reader, you might hide under your blanket and wait for the morning light and go about in your bright day. But there is shadow world from which you cannot hide. I have discovered it and I will warn you now so you may protect yourself if that is possible: Thousands, no, not just thousands, but millions of people in our fair country have lost their heads! Beware!
These headless ghouls roam the streets. They haunt the shopping centers. They drive on the highways, they are in workplaces, in factories, in offices and stores. The headless sit on couches in countless homes watching TV! Whoa to you if you so enter these homes! That they would be confined to one deserted path where Ichabod Crane unhappily chanced upon. No! Today it is far more dire. The headless are everywhere!
Emily Senbus always considered herself as a conservative, “I never even thought of doing pornography. I don’t even have very big breasts. But if all the pornographers were interested in was my nose I didn’t see anything wrong with it—especially for the money I make.”
Senbus has what nose fetishists consider an extremely sexy
Huge crowds are attending the matches and businessmen in several cities around the world are in intense talks about forming professional teams that could help stimulate the dire worldwide economic situation. Meanwhile attendance at traditional soccer or “futball” matches around the world is plummeting.
“It’s an extremely exciting sport,” says player Benie Evidlobal. “Not only do you need to outrun and out maneuver the opposing team like in traditional soccer, you also need to outrun and out maneuver a live cat. Then cat soccer has the gory excitement of a bull fight when the bull gets killed at the end. That is because usually by the fourth quarter the cat dies after being kicked around so much. Then the whole dynamics of the game changes because it takes a lot of athletic ability to kick around a dead cat and score goals with it. It’s not like it’s a soccer ball and easily rolls around.”
Enid Pelvurtus, a PETA official has tried to get the police and the courts to stop the games. So far he only got the police to delay two out of hundreds of games. “This sport is an outrage and
Can you imagine a world where the Beatles and the Rolling Stones are nobodies and Sven Jorgensen and His Yodeling Accordion Quartet are more popular than Jesus Christ? Can you image a world where the accordion is like the electric guitar and hip musicians don’t play bass—they play tuba?
For years doctors thought astronaut Jeral Googorston was crazy. Googorston even thought he was crazy himself. Jeral Googorstron had everything going for him. In 1991 he launched into space as a member of the space shuttle. In a routine spacewalk during the mission something strange happened to Googorston. He explained it to MCT:
“While I was space walking outside the shuttle I had an inexplicable experience. It felt like I
A prominent surgeon from the Hoboken, Oregon Medical Institute, Dr. Midros Hienzmucker has perfected a revolutionary way of ending world hunger. Dr. Hienzmucker crafted an operation that transplants a goat stomach into a human stomach. The human recipient with the added goat stomach can then eat grass, or even paper–anything that a goat can eat and digest it. Furthermore the enzymes in the goat stomach process the grass carbohydrates into energy giving nutrition.
“This is a development that has the power to transform the world,” says humanitarian Edzel Frustrawhip. “Dr. Hienzmuckers foresight may create a future world without hunger and make possible
MCT has scored another scoop. Once again we got a microphone into an Obama cabinet meeting. In this meeting Obama and cabinet discuss their plans on how to win the up and coming election in 2012. Here is the transcript:
President Obama: Hello cabinet and staff members. I have called this meeting because I want to start formulating and putting into action our plan to get reelected. We have several strategies that we need to implement.
VP Biden: Sorry to interrupt Barry. But I think that we cannot, by law, devote our government business here to campaigning. Don’t we have to do that in our off hours?
President Obama: Of course, Joey, you’re talking about the Hatch Act that prohibits federal employees, except the president and vice president, from engaging in political activities on the job. But I think it’s OK if you and I talk about it and everyone else just listens. But aren’t there other exemptions?
VP Biden: You may have a point. But perhaps we need a legal clarification. Attorney General Holder, you are the chief attorney in the country. What do you think?
President Obama: Oh no. Not again. Who brought in the cardboard cutout this time?
A MCT Exclusive:
Just a few days ago only a handful of news organizations were talking about the growing New York “Occupy Wall Street,” crowd. Now they have everyones’ attention and it is growing into a major movement. As of late Saturday night New York police have arrested 700 people and we will see on Monday if the stock brokers can even get into the NY Stock Exchange.
MCT has learned that President Obama, staff, several cabinet secretaries, and Federal Reserve Chairman “Helicopter” Ben Bernanke just had a Sunday morning emergency meeting in the White House on what to do about the growing movement. As it was Sunday morning the group did not think it was odd that a cleaning lady was in the room dusting. The cleaning lady is one of many MCT sources who recorded the meeting with her concealed cell phone. So here is a MCT exclusive: A transcript of the President, staff, cabinet secretaries and Fed Chairman Bernanke on what to do about the anti-Wall Street protests now going on in New York.
Obama: I have called you guys here on a Sunday because I think we have a big problem with these New York protesters that we need to deal with. We had those Tea Party folks to contend with before, but they were kind of nutty. They were going on about big government and health care stuff and didn’t even know they were on government health care.
Staff Member: Well aren’t these protesters in New York nutty also? They were blocking traffic on
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Have you ever thought, “The birds are blooming, the sky is singing, the flowers are blue and yet something is wrong?” Everything seems right and going beautiful but still everyone dislikes you. You may be the victim of a discovered newly disorder called, “Word Mix-up Disease.”
According to psychiatrist Dr. Vertold Singsing, “Often Word Mix-up Disease victims are not even aware that they are wording up their mixes. Then they can’t even understand that why weird look at them people, or why no one jokes at their laughs.”
“People always reacted to me as if I nut case like a rambling—even when I witty I was thought saying. But it is a dyslexia just like disorder. The only oral is that it is difference and not visual,” says sufferer word mix-up Jayzeed Flookerbottom who started a Brooklyn word mix-up support group disease.
On the positive note, you may have thought
If you have been on MCT before you may have noticed there were Google ads on the left column that are not there anymore. In fact, don’t you think the site looks better without that crap there? The AdamEve ad on the right looks much better and generates four times the revenue that the Google ads did–(for MCT-who knows what Google’s take is?)
So why are the Google ads gone? We should have got rid of that crap sooner. However, Google decided to do us the favor and stopped the ads themselves. A Google Elf named, “Adsence-Noreply” sent us an email that said unless we change “violations” they would cut off the ads. In other words, Google tried to censor MCT. Just who the fuck are they to tell us what content to publish? If Google doesn’t want to get involved with porno that is their business. But MCT is not a porno site, it is a satire site.
The email said change a page, which may be only an example-or maybe not. And I guess it meant change similar things, even though most everything on MCT is unique. Since no one will tell MCT what to publish we did nothing. We would have told Google to fuck off, but it is impossible to reach a real person at Google. And just how do you respond to “noreply” anyway? So Google cut the ads.
What page was it that they didn’t like?