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Breaking News! Friday, April 22, 2005!
Mad Scientist Puts Chemical In Water Supply That Will Turn Everyone In The Whole World Into Elvis Impersonators

This photo was snapped yesterday in NYC, where thousands of Elvises are roaming the streets.

A high ranking FBI official has informed Meltingclocktimes.com that a fugitive mad scientist has developed a chemical, which he aims to put in the world wide water supply, that will make everyone believe they are Elvis Presley. Our secret source stated that, “This mad scientist loves Elvis Presley and in his demented world view he wants to see the entire world populated with Elvis impersonators. But the world will not be populated with merely Elvis impersonators. People, after drinking the tainted water, actually believe they are Elvis Presley.”

The Elvis chemical has already contaminated water in many municipalities. Witnesses have reported seeing thousands of Elvis impersonators in New York City and other parts of the country.

“I don't know about you, but I am buying stock in Cadillac and in companies that make pink auto paint,” said Dr. Herbert Tootlescuts, a mad scientist analyst who works for the Rand Corporation. “The mad scientist who has alarmed the FBI is the notorious Dr. Bebold Wizmuker, a brilliant, but crazed, former government scientist who disappeared five years ago with secret government data.”

Dr. Wizmuker is known for his trademark blue suede shoes, wild pink hair, a Salvador Dali mustache and Hawaiian shirts. Wizmuker was a government physicist who worked on nuclear bombs and neutron bomb development. When he deserted his government post in 2000 with top secret documents he left a note which said, “The formulas for these dangerous bombs cannot be left in hands of the US government. Even though Elvis Presley was an American, the present US administration does not believe in Elvis or follow the philosophy and principles of his life and music. Once the US government becomes committed to Elvis' power and spirit I will once again release this bomb information. Then the US will be able safeguard itself against evil foreign countries who do not believe in Elvis Presley ideals and music. Hail Elvis! Signed, Dr. Bebold Wizmuker”

Our source said the FBI has staked out the Elvis Presley Graceland mansion in Memphis, Tennessee where Dr. Wizmucker has has made several pilgrimages, but he has still alluded government agents for five years. Through other mad scientist contacts and arrests the FBI has learned that there is already a chemical out there that, if ingested, will make its victims believe they are Elvis Presley. Police and cultural phenomena observers have been reporting that there is an explosion of Elvis impersonators. The FBI believes this is due to Wizmucker testing his drug in various trial markets over the last few months. The FBI now fears that Dr. Wizmucker is in the process of infecting the entire world's water with the Elvis chemical. Our FBI source said, “There is no antidote to the Elvis drug and that the drug's effects are permanent. Victims will continue to believe they are Elvis Presley for the rest of their lives.”

“If Wizmucker successfully manages to carry out his plan the consequences of a huge population of Elvis impersonators could be disastrous to the economy,” says financial analyst Barry Butohocker. “Of course, some sectors of the economy, like Hawaiian shirt manufacturing--if the drug turns out many Hawaiian Elvises--could do good. But overall, any economy with most people more concerned with sequin jumpsuits and singing, 'Jail House House Rock,” than with vital economic activities is not going to achieve healthy economic growth.”

Other economists, such as Richter Dububstien a financial analyst for E. F. Hutton, disagrees, “I believe that a huge tide of Elvis impersonators could be a healthy stimulus for the economy. It could reinvigorate the music industry and vitalize Elvis fashions and boost the clothing industry.”

FBI officials issued a statement saying if you see anyone with blue suede shoes, wild pink hair, a Salvador Dali mustache and a Hawaiian shirt to call the FBI or the local police immediately. Health officials are warning everyone to boil all water before drinking.