Imagine our shock when the creature pictured on the right walked into our offices here at MCT. As you can see he has three noses and ears, four eyes and two mouths. His skin color is green, purple and red striped with green polka dots. He told us that he is the highest ranking General in the Zeedbout Army from the planet Zeedbout stationed on Earth. Normally we would have thought he was a nut, but his four eyes, two butts and third arm coming out his back (not pictured) convinced us to take him seriously.
The following is a transcript of the vitally important news that the General conveyed to us:
“Greetings Earthling readers at Meltingclocktimes.com. I have come to give you a message, as I am now touring all the major media outlets on the Earth to get the message out. From here I will be flying to the East coast of your continent to relay this same message to editors at the New York Times and the Washington Post.
“The message is this:
–> We are canceling an invasion to take over your planet. You Earthlings are now safe. I repeat. You Earthlings are now safe from any invasions and hostile military aggression from the planet Zeedbout. We have been amassing supplies on your planet in giant hidden military bases in the Mojave and Sahara deserts. After years of fortifying our strategic positions on this planet we have decided that it is not in our best interests to go ahead with the invasion.”
“Thank you, General Sir,” I said. “But why have you decided to call off the invasion after all of the effort and expense?”
“We have canceled the invasion because everyone on your planet looks the same. It would be too confusing for us.”
“What do you mean everyone looks the same? Some people have brown skin, some have white skin, some folks have big noses, some have small noses?”
“We are amazed that you Earthlings can tell the difference between each other with so little to go on. My God! On Zeedbout some people have 6 or seven noses, and some only have three or four in various colors. You guys only have one nose each–Unbelievable! If we took you guys over and set you to work as slave laborers we would never be able to keep a damn thing straight.”
“What about skin or eye color?”
“What are you talking about?” said the General as he switched talking with his other mouth.
“Look, my eyes are blue and my skin tan. My secretary here sitting next to us has dark brown eyes and much darker brown skin.”
“Momma Mia! You mean you can tell the difference between people based on such little subtle variations? You two look exactly the same to me. On Zeedbout peoples’ skin color comes in everything from neon red to electric blue–and most Zeedboutians are striped with many different colors. Others have polka dots in hundreds of different colors. Ninety-nine percent of you guys have only two eyes and they are all practically the same color. On Zeedbout many people have seven, eight, up to fifteen eyes and they are all different colors! I don’t understand how you Earthlings can get sexually aroused with each other because of your drab colors.”
“Body shape. Many women on Earth have very sexually stimulating body shapes. For example, look at my secretary here. Her body is in great shape.”
“What? I have never seen a female Earthling with more than two measly tits! Females on Zeedbout have ten tits. Some have up to twenty. If I had sex with a Earthling woman what in the hell would I do with my third arm? Lots of other guys on my planet have four or five arms and they’d even be worse off. I am just happy as a General to be leaving this place. How would you expect me to induce military inductees to volunteer to come to Earth? The only sexual prospects possible here are with women with only two tits! Then you people only have two ass cheeks!”
The conversation soon ended and we bade the General from Zeedbout goodbye. We may not be the most colorful creatures in the Universe, but thankfully we are safe from alien invasion for the time being.