Bertold Humbucker is a third generation owner of New York’s Big Apple Pipe and Tobacco Shop. “You wouldn’t believe how many people call and think they are funny and original with the Price Albert routine,” he says.
But yesterday was different when 15 year old Louis Smortwart called and said, “Do you have Prince Albert in a Can?”
Instead of Humbucker giving his usual reply of, “No, I got him out of the can and shoved him up your mother’s asshole,” he said, “Congratulations! You are the 10,000,000th caller with that stupid prank. I would like to present you with a plaque and a hundred dollar gift certificate.”
“Wow,” said the kid who’ll get
Harold Washington takes the subway daily from the South Bronx to uptown Manhattan where he crouches over as a piano bench, “Sure, it’s not the most dignified job, but it pays the bills and I am not unemployed anymore. The job’s OK except for the weekly visits from a fat piano teacher who gives lessons to the daughter of the Goldman Sachs tycoon I work for.”
A new sport is sweeping the nation. Skydivers are jumping out of planes without parachutes. They are attaching themselves to a string of live turkeys. Apparently the turkeys go nuts and flap their wings and act as a parachute. And with live turkeys going for less than a dollar a pound it costs a lot less than a parachute which can cost over a thousand bucks. With the economy in the tank people–parachutists included–are looking to cut costs.
“Turkey parachuting is really opening the plane door for a lot of skydivers who normally would be put off by the high price of parachutes,” says skydiving instructor Nebold Einacracker. “Since turkeys are cheaper than parachutes we offer lower prices now for skydiving lessons and jumps. People also like jumping from a plane using natural live turkeys, not an artificial petroleum based parachute.”
We are republishing the following because it fits the Halloween season and explains the headless elections coming up:
A shocking update to Washington Irving’s “Headless Horseman!“
Horsemen do not travel America’s roads today, but the headless are more numerous than ever. Beware!
It is deep into October. The days are short and a long black gloom haunts the night. Eeriness creeps in from the clammy midnight air. It was in October when Washington Irving wrote about Ichabod Crane and the headless horseman. Irving must have looked out his window in the dead October black and got a chill. What was out there?
Have you wondered what happened to the headless horseman? Does he still roam the deserted night roads and haunt the nervous traveler anxious to get home safe from unseen eyes that spy him from the dim woods, and from underneath the bridges?
Surely you do not literally think there is such a creature, do you reader? It is all a fiction, right? I would like to laugh off the story of Ichabod. But why has Irving’s tale lasted two hundred years? Do you not feel something there in the dank lightless October still hours? Something, I dread, still roams the lonely roads. The hideous spirit that haunted Ichabod still stalks us. These ghouls have even multiplied! Reader, you might hide under your blanket and wait for the morning light and go about in your bright day. But there is shadow world from which you cannot hide. I have discovered it and I will warn you now so you may protect yourself if that is possible: Thousands, no, not just thousands, but millions of people in our fair country have lost their heads! Beware!
These headless ghouls roam the streets. They haunt the shopping centers. They drive on the highways, they are in workplaces, in factories, in offices and stores. The headless sit on couches in countless homes watching TV! Whoa to you if you so enter these homes! That they would be confined to one deserted path where Ichabod Crane unhappily chanced upon. No! Today it is far more dire. The headless are everywhere!
The Standard American Toilet Company has come out with a new hi-tech talking toilet that is causing a waterfall of controversy. Apparently wise guys in the factory programed the toilets to blurt out insults like; “Whew! Was that a big one!” or, “Whoa, that’s a stinker! If toilets could kill themselves I’d do it right now!” Other customers have sat down on the toilets and heard, “Wow! What a fat ass you’ve got! You’re going to break me!”
The Standard American Toilet Company marketed their new hi-tech talking toilet to people who wanted to remind their kids to flush, or to spray some deodorant in the room. For example, if you have the new talking toilet you can program it so your young child could hear, “Now, don’t forget to flush!” or a wife could program the toilet to say, “Dear, please put down the seat!”
Toilet experts saw this new toilet industry innovation as a potential boom to