Vampires have been avoiding gays for fear of contacting the AIDS virus for 20 years. Up until the mid 90’s the gay population decreased due to fatalities from the AIDS virus. According to Census Bureau statisticians two factors have changed death demographics for gays. One is anti viral drugs that have suppressed HIV and AIDS. The second is that Vampires have been very cautious about sucking gay blood. While other stories like the financial crisis and swine flu make news headlines, it is a fact that vampires kill thousands of people annually. Vampire attacks also injure thousands of people yearly causing them to enter into a nether world of the undead. FBI statistics cite thousands of unexplainable mortalities every year in the US that involve neck punctures and/or blood loss. While the AIDS virus has hit gays hard this other “unknown” pandemic has left gays untouched. Because vampires
Then there are the corporate answering machines
Imagine our shock when the creature pictured on the right walked into our offices here at MCT. As you can see he has three noses and ears, four eyes and two mouths. His skin color is green, purple and red striped with green polka dots. He told us that he is the highest ranking General in the Zeedbout Army from the planet Zeedbout stationed on Earth. Normally we would have thought he was a nut, but his four eyes, two butts and third arm coming out his back (not pictured) convinced us to take him seriously.
The following is a transcript of the vitally important news that the General conveyed to us:
“Greetings Earthling readers at Meltingclocktimes.com. I have come to give you a message, as I am now touring all the major media outlets on the Earth to get the message out. From here I will be flying to the East coast of your continent to relay this same message to editors at the New York Times and the Washington Post.
“The message is this:
Meltingclocktimes.com has learned that the Nike shoe company is starting a new advertising campaign with Osama Bin Laden. Through our secret sources we were able to see the new TV shot with Bin Laden. Bin Laden is crouched on a rock and says in broken English, “Hello infidels in America. We don’t agree on much do we? But I think we can agree on one thing—Nike makes great shoes. With them my deputies and I have been outrunning the greatest army in the world for seven and a half years. I think Allah and Nike both deserve credit. Nike Shoes have given me great traction in mountain terrain and on slippery rocks. You guys may be the infidel—but you sure make good shoes!” Then you see Bin Laden hold his thumb up and say, “Praise Allah and Nike—just do it!”
According to Nike CEO Philly Knight, “This does not mean we endorse Bin Laden. And to be honest I wish he didn’t have our shoes that enabled him to avoid capture. But since he does wear Nike shoes, and he did out run the US Army Rangers for seven and half years, it does make us feel pretty good about the quality of our products.”
Some analysts, such as Dr. Hugoritz Takokaballer of the Veldstrum Think Tank think,”This shows that Bin Laden is desperate for attention. He needs a new act because
I walked around a corner and an old man was sitting on a bus stop bench. The old man was more amazed to see me than I was to see him.
"Where are you from and who are you?" he asked me.
I told him I just sailed from Hawaii and asked him what happened, "Was there a plague? Some bacteria that only killed people, but spared everything else?"
He told me the following story: