Category Archives: Vampires

Vampire Tree Terrorizing Town

Vampire Tree Terrorizing Town

The vast majority of trees are beautiful and law abiding. However, somewhere out there in Oregon there is a vampire  tree.
The vast majority of trees are beautiful and law abiding. However, somewhere out there in Oregon there is a vampire tree.
Hoboken, Oregon has had a rough year. First their whipped cream factory exploded and buried the town under many feet of whipped cream killing hundreds of people. (link) Much of the town is still buried but got little attention due to bigger disasters in the gulf and Haiti. Then just last week we reported that vampire activity was turning their town into a citizenry of Zombies. It got so that hospitals were facing an acute blood shortage due to poor quality vampire depleted blood. But local vampires in the spirit of community went on a fast to help the situation. (link)

You think all would have turned out OK. But one hungry vampire got delirious on a popular nature trail just outside of town. The vampire was so hungry and out of it he that he mistook a tree for a neck and bit into it. Now as people venture out on the nature trail they are getting attacked by this now vampire tree.

“It is just terrible,” said Hoboken, Oregon resident Eloaod Mapupinziod, “You can’t go anywhere in the state park outside town there because no one is really sure exactly just where that tree is. And no one wants to get a surprise attack

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Vampires Go On Fast To Bolster Blood Supply In Town’s Hospitals

Vampires Go On Fast To Bolster Blood Supply In Town’s Hospitals

Vladimir Rosapsescu is one of many Hoboken, OR vampires going without blood to help out area hospitals.
Vladimir Rosapsescu is one of many Hoboken, OR vampires going without blood to help out area hospitals.

Vampires are very active in parts of the country. Vampires in Hoboken, Oregon have been so active that local hospitals  put out an alert that there is a blood shortage.

“We put out the message to the media, the Red Cross, and other organizations that we have a dangerously low supply of blood,” said Sacred Thumping Heart Hospital spokesman Dr. Gerson Heeblehoot. “We got hundreds of people to donate blood, but it still wasn’t enough.

“Due to vampire activity here there are just too many blood deficient, sick and weak people unfit to contribute blood,” added Dr. Heeblehoot. “We thought there was nothing we could do and that we were headed for a crisis. But just then the vampires themselves, in the spirit of community, went on a fast to help out the local health situation.”

“People think that just because we suck blood that we do not want to help out our community,” said local vampire Vladimir Rosapsescu. “You know, many vampires have children in local schools and are involved in

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Gay Population Skyrocketing Due To Vampire Aversion

Gay Population Skyrocketing Due To Vampire Aversion

Vampires, like the one pictured here, fear gays as much as they fear crosses and garlic.
Vampires, like the one pictured here, fear gays as much as they fear crosses and garlic.

Vampires have been avoiding gays for fear of contacting the AIDS virus for 20 years. Up until the mid 90’s the gay population decreased due to fatalities from the AIDS virus. According to  Census Bureau statisticians two factors have changed death demographics for gays. One is anti viral drugs that have suppressed HIV and AIDS. The second is that Vampires have been very cautious about sucking gay blood. While other stories like the financial crisis and swine flu make news headlines, it is a fact that vampires kill thousands of people annually.  Vampire attacks also injure thousands of people yearly causing them to enter into a nether world of the undead. FBI statistics cite thousands of unexplainable mortalities every year in the US that involve neck punctures and/or blood loss. While the AIDS virus has hit gays hard this other “unknown” pandemic has left gays untouched. Because vampires

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