Thought Provoking, Insightful News & Analysis

Breaking News! Thursday, July 22, 2004!
New Traveling Circus To Feature Lions Versus Christians As In Roman Times

This ancient sculpture depicts an ancient sport that will soon be revived.

A new unusual traveling circus is set to start a nationwide tour. The traveling event whose city itinerary will be announced next week will feature Christians fighting lions like in Roman times. Christian groups are calling the event outrageous and trying to get government authorities to stop the touring event before it starts.

Circus spokesman Tate Ciderbomb insists, “Christians will love the sporting event. Many fervent Christians believe their faith will stand up to the challenge of a hungry lion. If nonreligious folks see the Christians beat the crap out of the lions the Christians are going to get some more fans and possible converts. Isn't that what happened in ancient Rome? Sometimes the Christians beat the lions, and the Christian religion grew to a billion adherents – even bigger than the Roman Empire. Christians are going to like this circus because they believe they can win in many ways. On the contrary, a lot of nonreligious people are tired of people going on and on about Christianity. They'd love to see lions eat some of these religious folks. This is an event that will appeal to both religious and nonreligious people.”

Not all Christians are upset about the circus. One of them is a Christian gladiator, Geeber McFeeber who is signed up to fight the lions in the arena. “I got God and Jesus on my side. So I'm not scared too much about the match and I hope to kill these heathen lions. If Jesus does not defend me against the lions I will be glad to die as a gladiator for Christ and make a sacrifice for Jesus' cause.”

If McFeeber wins against the lions he will also win big cash awards and he says he will donate most of it to the church. McFeeber and other gladiators are now in intense training sessions to combat the cats effectively.

Another Christian, George Kooklouk said, “I don't get why many Christians are so upset about this. The Romans sent lions on us Christians and the Roman empire fizzled out and Christianity is still here.”

Environmentalists are in arms about the circus. They say lions are an endangered species and to kill them in these events is outrageous. Conservatives are using the Environmentalist's arguments against them, “Here is another example,” says anti-environmentalist Wesley Dugrut, “where the tree-huggers care more about the lions that may get killed than they do about the people that the lions will maul.”

Christian environmentalists are very mad, “I've been writing to Congressmen and Senators to enact emergency legislation to stop this barbaric circus,” says Elmore Egadson a Christian environmentalist.

The Circus has responded to the environmentalists by saying they will also use black bears, who are not endangered and rabid dog packs in the matches also and take the pressure off the lions.

City council members in several cities are working to stop the event even though ticket agencies are reporting that they are getting swarms of calls to get the tickets for the event.