College Students: You’d Be Better Off Getting Bums Off The Street To Educate You Rather Than Paying Outrageous Tuition

According to students these two professors teach a class in philosophy that rivals any at Stanford
According to students these two professors teach a class in philosophy that rivals any at Stanford
We here at the MCT can’t understand why students aren’t rioting in the streets over the outrageous tuition costs. Some students are getting smart, quiting college and hiring winos and homeless bums for tutors who offer more bang for the buck. A typical state university like the University of Oregon’s tuition is $8190 up from $5900 a few years ago. The University of California at Berkeley is 12,500 bucks up from $6800 4 or 5 years ago. Yale University costs $38,300 a year–up $7000 4 or 5 years ago.

“Screw the high tuition costs,” says University of Washington dropout Jiglebut Hoserwald. “I had to pay a fortune to sit in a lecture hall with 500 other students. I get more personal attention from a wino who is teaching me about physics for a bottle of Thunderbird each lesson.”

Many students told us that they are getting a better education for a much lower cost. “Sure many of these bums are crazy and mentally disturbed,” added Hoserwald, ”but so are many college professors I had and the class sizes

are much smaller now.”

Not all bums are completely crazy. Many of them were once “productive” citizens with expertise in everything from physics to psychiatry. Lots of these bums are more than willing to share their knowledge with you for some spare change for booze. With even state colleges’ tuition running thousands of dollars a year many young folks are discovering personal bum tutors are an attractive and economical alternative to college.

While many homeless bums are crazy and ramble incoherently in their lessons many of their new students don’t see this as a disadvantage over traditional universities. “I had many professors in the University of Oregon who also rambled incoherently,” said student Belmund Heeguter, “and the tuition was outrageous.”

Jezoid McRavits, is a new generation educator who’s an ex-lawyer. Due to an affection for booze McRavits lost his job and home. He now lives mostly at the Eugene, Oregon mission and under a bridge. “It is a beautiful life. I have the suburban home at the mission. Then when I want to booze it up and not hear a bunch of religious mumbo jumbo I go spend some time at my country home under a bridge. But now life is really beautiful. Because I give lessons and get enough money to eat at restaurants and all the booze I want. Yeah, like maybe it makes my lectures out there. Or where it was. What? Oh yeah. Can you talk when you are plastered? Hey. But my students love me and I will beat the shit out of their old professors at the University.”

“My son is 17 and next year I am sending him to the bad section of town for his education instead of the University,” said concerned parent Mildred Huckabucker. “Just look this country: Deserted dilapidated city centers and ugly dreary suburbs, a huge national debt and trade imbalance, two unnecessary expensive wars, multitudes of frivolous lawsuits, dependence on foreign fossil fuels that are running out, the world’s most overpriced health care, massive unemployment. It looks like we are in the 2nd great depression. Would we really have these problems if the Universities were doing their job in educating people? It is clear students. You will get a better education from a bum on the street!”

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