Police and factory investigators have determined that McCowski put gobs of extra-strength super-glue inside and outside the condoms so that once the package was opened and put to use the couples became instantly stuck together. Doctors across the country are having a very difficult time separating the couples. Men who have large organs buried deep inside their partners make it impossible for the doctors to access the fusion. When doctors can get to the area they are having to painfully sever the top layer of skin leaving the men and women with excruciating raw red skin.
Authorities are advising consumers who have purchased Sureon lubricated condoms to put them on a piece of paper after opening. If the condom sticks do not use it. Return any defective condoms to the place of purchase for replacements, unless you need the glue to mend broken stuff.
Condom factory co-worker Seymour Figgerton says McCowski was a loner who didn’t talk much, “One time he said, ‘Do you realize we assist fornicators to kill holy bodily fluid?’
“I though he just had a weird sense of humor. He also invited me to go to the First Church of Appliantology.”
The Los Angeles based Christian fundamentalist group worships household appliances and believes that people should only engage in sex for procreative purposes. Other condom manufacturers are investigating the possibility that other Appliantolgy members are employed in their factories in order to thwart future sabotage.
Interviews with some of the victims are yielding mixed reactions. George and Doris Dashyevsky had been waiting in a Chicago hospital emergency room for three hours with a sheet over them while doctors tried to figure out what to do. Doris said, “You know, this is not so terrible. Often George is quick in bed and I love this opportunity to cuddle and be intimate with my husband.”
“You’re not going to be loving it much longer dear,” replied the husband, “I have to pee.”
A woman, who goes by the name of Twinkles, had a disgusted look on her face. She was stuck to a young man named Bob who was grinning from ear to ear. They also waited under a sheet in the Chicago hospital. “This is great!” exclaimed Bob. “I never got so much bang for my buck.”
“Hold your horses, cowboy,” replied Twinkles. “You’re crazy if you think I am paying for any of the hospital bill. And shouldn’t you pay extra?”
Jeduth Recertyull, a spokeswoman for Planned Parenthood said, “This is a sad day for birth control and safe sex. We plan to lobby the US Congress to enact laws to keep safe sex safe.”