Thought Provoking, Insightful News & Analysis

Breaking News! Friday, Feb. 20, 2004:
The Next Big Thing: Dwarf Tossing!

In the past dwarves were merely fairytale objects in films like Disney's, "Snow White," or "The Wizard of Oz." In the future dwarves will be venerated sports heroes.

There are cultural phenomenas and inventions that come about that change the world forever. The gun, the printing press, the airplane, rock and roll, electricity and the internet all impacted the world beyond measure. What will be the next giant phenomena that will change life forever? A group of intellectuals, scientists and prognosticators, including nobel prize winners, got together and unanimously decided that the next big thing will be dwarf tossing.

“Dr. Elmont Chestmontville, a Harvard Sociologist, said, “A generation from now the world's greatest dwarf tossees will be just as famous as Michael Jordan or Sammy Sousa.”

While the group of scholars was unanimous, not everyone is pleased with the report. Everette Henterson, President of the Dwarf Anti-Defamation League, finds the committee's report, “Scandalous,” and, “an insult to height challenged people.”

But Dr. Chestmontville cited that the report concludes that champion dwarf tossees will be as big as rock stars in the future. “This is hardly a future where small people will be marginalized.”

Renie Gututh, 3ft. 10 inches, has been involved in dwarf tossing and said, “There is a lot of athleticism involved in dwarf tossing and it's about time that we dwarf tossees get the recognition we deserve.”

A “spokeswomyn” for the dwarf division of the National Organization for Women, was guarded in her statement to the press, “While we welcome any kind of advancement for dwarves, we can only hope that a better future for dwarves will also include benefits for female dwarves as well.”

The report, authored by a distinguished group of scientists and researchers, concluded that:

-Dwarf tossing will be a big event in future olympics. The report predicted that not only will it be in the Olympics but it will be a very popular event like the thousand meter race—not something ridiculous that no one cares about like synchronized swimming.

-Stadiums will be built for dwarf tossing competitions and municipalities will devote big economic resources to dwarf tossing much like Americans do now for football and other countries devote to soccer.

-Although dwarves may be injured periodically in dwarf tossing events, the overall status of dwarves will increase substantially as dwarves become venerated as sports' heroes.

-Because of the venerated status that dwarf tossing will give to dwarves there will be several dwarves elected to the United States Congress in the future. Also, americans will probably elect a dwarf President of the United States within 25-40 years.

-We will probably elect a dwarf president before we ever elect a woman president.

The report summed it up by saying, “The future for sporting events and for small people looks very promising.”