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Breaking News! Monday, Feb. 16, 2004:
Fargo, North Dakota Divided On Hosting Idiot Convention
The Fargo, North Dakota Convention Bureau doesn't even do good business in the summer. The land is flat and featureless, there is no beach nor mountains and it's far from anywhere. In winter no one comes. That is, until last year when International Association Of Idiots decided to host its annual March convention there. Now the Idiots want to come back to Fargo for the 2004 convention and half of the city wants to keep them out.
“It was a nightmare for law enforcement last year,” says police chief Ernie Koobouts.“We had hundreds of idiot conventioneers going around in bathing suits in minus 20 degree weather asking directions to the swimming pool. One guy shivering his ass off told me, 'Last year's convention in Miami had a pool, so I thought all conventions had pools.'
“We had several idiots freeze their tongues to lamp posts, car accidents and the majority of conventioneers walked out of restaurants without paying bills. I think most of them just forgot, but we were flooded with theft calls from the restaurants.”
Fargo's Doctors are siding with the police. “Idiots flooded our emergency rooms with frostbite. I didn't sleep for the week the idiots were here,” says Dr. John Strumpoin, a Fargo emergency room physician. “Many of them brought inflatable duck innertubes that they walked around town with, but almost no one brought jackets.”
Others differ. Macko Latowoskiov, owner of a Fargo Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant stated, “I hope the Idiots come back because last year we sold tons of chicken in the normally slow winter. The idiots were lined up here ordering chicken.
“Most of them said, 'I want some chicken because I hear it's finger lick'n good. And I like to lick my fingers!'
“So I says to them, 'Well you came to the right place because we're famous for finger lick'n good chicken!' I set them straight. That's right!”
Other fast food restaurants are fighting for the go ahead to bring the Idiots back to Fargo again.
Fargo's stagnant winter hotel business' are lobbying the city government to back off on keeping out the idiots. “As hotel guests the idiots weren't so terrible. We had some problems with idiots peeing in the sinks, but then the toilets didn't get too dirty,” says Bernie Bichuen, President of the Fargo Hotel Owners Association. “In the hotel I own there was a couple who slept on the floor. When the maid asked them about that they said they didn't want to mess up such a nice bed!”
The controversy has gotten contentious with Fargo city councilors getting vicious with each other in city hall debates on the matter of banning or permitting the idiots.
“You want the idiots to come here because so many of your friends and relatives are in the group,” said City Councilor Elmet Judstone to idiot proponent city councilor Lakesha Ferdinan.
Councilor Ferdinan snapped back, “You don't want the idiots here because you're afraid they'll make you look stupid in comparison!”
Others like Fargo resident Jed Humbingat are indifferent. When asked about whether he was pro or anti idiot he replied, “Duh. I don't know. It's OK, I guess.”
Another Fargo citizen quipped, “If the idiots do come to Fargo they will surely feel right home with many Fargo citizens.”