Thought Provoking, Insightful News & Analysis

Breaking News! Sunday Night, May 7, 2006!
Gay Transvestite Bigfoot Stalking Handsome Hunk In Oregon

Frustrated Oregon hunk, Craig Latham, is always trailed by an 8 foot tall gay transvestite bigfoot, Bruce, who hangs out in the woods adjacent to his house.

Craig Latham, is a handsome hunk who recently moved to a forested area just outside Eugene, Oregon. At first Latham and his wife loved their their new peaceful and beautiful spot in the woods. That is until a gay transvestite Bigfoot, who goes by the name Bruce, started stalking Latham. The Bigfoot is always outside Latham's house and he often howls and moans.

“It's terrible," said Latham. "I can go to town and get a restraining order. But he is a sasquatch and he doesn't care about our human laws. The cops don't do anything anyway. I think the police around here are homophobic and they are afraid of him. This sasquatch is eight feet tall. He looks like that character in Star Wars with a limp wrist.”

The Bigfoot, Bruce, talked to Meltingclocktimes.com. He had tears in his eyes and said, “Craig is so beautiful and handsome. I would never hurt him. I hope I can convince him to come and live with me.”

Latham has repeatedly yelled out to the sasquatch with a megaphone, “Go home you perverted sasquatch stalker. I am not gay! I repeat, I am not gay! Even if I was gay I probably wouldn't like hairy beasts like yourself, so leave me alone.”

Bruce, the only bigfoot discovered who wears hi-heels, lamented that, "I even got some new sexy lingerie and pearls, but Craigy-buns is still cold to me."

Bruce, the gay sasquatch told Meltingclocktimes.com that he has heard and understood the message. A tear came to his eye and he said, “I think I can change Craig's mind. If he only understood I am pure of heart and I would do anything for him. I want the chance to convince him.”

If you go to Latham's house you may hear him blurt out the window with the megaphone, “Listen you pervert stalker, I am happily married, I am not gay! I love my wife and would stick my dick in a garbage can before I let you touch it. Please leave!”

After several weeks with the bigfoot's howling and moaning waking up Latham and his wife up at night, Latham hit the wall. He grabbed a pellet gun and shot at Bruce. But the sasquatch's skin and fur is so tough that it does nothing. So Latham then started shooting at Bruce with a shot gun. “Even that doesn't seem to hurt him or deter him,” complained the Oregon hunk.

In fact, the shooting made things even worse. Because the gay Bigfoot isn't the only annoying thing always hoovering outside of Latham's house now. The gay rights division of PETA filed a complaint against Latham after he started shooting at the gay Bigfoot. PETA couldn't find a law to get any government agency to arrest or stop the Oregon hunk, so PETA started protesting outside his house. 

Handsome Oregon hunk Craig Latham steps out his back door with a megaphone and yells, "Shut up you pervert sasquatch!" The creature constantly howls, moans and yells out things like, "I love you Craigy-poo!"

Great!” said Latham. “Now I have two or three PETA nut cases marching with picket signs outside my house as well as a gay Bigfoot stalker. My wife is a nervous wreck. I am going to disappear in the middle of the night and go to Mexico.”

Latham grabbed a megaphone, opened a window and yelled out, “Hey Bruce, you pervert! Why don't you fuck those PETA lunatics in the ass? Unlike me I think they would like it.”

Meltingclocktimes.com What would you do if a Bigfoot was stalking you? I have been stalked by a Bigfoot and it was no picnic. I would shoot it with a cannon and throw the meat on the barbecue. I would have sex with the creature. You never know, maybe a Bigfoot would fulfill my deepest desires I would try and understand the Bigfoot and offer to get the creature some psychological counseling. What do you mean what would I do? I have had sex with a Bigfoot and it was very stimulating. All of the above. View results Version 2.03