New Sport Craze: Live Cat Soccer

A new sport is sweeping the nation and the world: Live cat soccer. The game is played with a live cat instead of a ball and animal rights activists are outraged.

Huge crowds are attending the matches and businessmen in several cities around the world are in intense talks about forming professional teams that could help stimulate the dire worldwide economic situation. Meanwhile attendance at traditional soccer or “futball” matches around the world is plummeting.

“It’s an extremely exciting sport,” says player Benie Evidlobal. “Not only do you need to outrun and out maneuver the opposing team like in traditional soccer, you also need to outrun and out maneuver a live cat. Then cat soccer has the gory excitement of a bull fight when the bull gets killed at the end. That is because usually by the fourth quarter the cat dies after being kicked around so much. Then the whole dynamics of the game changes because it takes a lot of athletic ability to kick around a dead cat and score goals with it. It’s not like it’s a soccer ball and easily rolls around.”

Enid Pelvurtus, a PETA official has tried to get the police and the courts to stop the games. So far he only got the police to delay two out of hundreds of games. “This sport is an outrage and

an extremely cruel way of killing these cats. We are working to outlaw this barbaric sport,” stated Pelvurtus.

Others disagree with PETA and Pelvurtus, “Why is killing a cat for a game any worse than killing a bull in a bull fight, or a chicken for dinner?” says cat soccer enthusiast Belford Smithtonov.

Kick that cat!
Kick that cat!

Animal experts like Victor Russinfeld say the sport will be beneficial to society, “Almost everywhere in the US and all over the world we are overwhelmed with cat overpopulation. The amount of unwanted and feral cats is staggering. Even when the sport becomes more popular I doubt that cat overpopulation problem will go away. But the sport could help us make progress in reducing the overwhelming cat populations.”

Economist Dr. Vertold Zeedsmucker said, “Live cat soccer is one of the few bright spots in the economy today. I believe the popularity of this new sport can stimulate a lot of healthy economic activity.”

Sports organizers are getting kids involved. “This is an exciting new sport and it is going to be big internationally,” says Los Angeles sports director Nathan Wheelboker. “I believe cat soccer will have big international championships like the World Cup and be big in the Olympics. That’s why I think we should get the kids involved so the United Sates can get an edge in future competitions. We already have an after school program that gets kids as young as six playing and they love it. Instead of kicking around a full grown cat they kick around a kitten. We call it ‘kitty soccer.’ Kitty soccer is to cat soccer what tee ball is to baseball and you can bet that in the future it will be just as big, if not bigger.”

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