Special Thanksgiving Turkey Report:
New Sport Craze: Live Turkey Parachuting!
A new sport is sweeping the nation. Skydivers are jumping out of planes without parachutes. They are attaching themselves to a string of live turkeys. Apparently the turkeys go nuts and flap their wings and act as a parachute. And with live turkeys going for less than a dollar a pound it costs a lot less than a parachute which can cost over a thousand bucks. With the economy in the tank people–parachutists included–are looking to cut costs.
“Turkey parachuting is really opening the plane door for a lot of skydivers who normally would be put off by the high price of parachutes,” says skydiving instructor Nebold Einacracker. “Since turkeys are cheaper than parachutes we offer lower prices now for skydiving lessons and jumps. People also like jumping from a plane using natural live turkeys, not an artificial petroleum based parachute.”
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A few turkeys have freaked out and had heart attacks, died and plopped down to earth. “But turkey parachuting is very safe” added Eincracker. “If you string up 20 turkeys there is a very small chance that they will all freak out and not flap their wings.” 
“Turkey parachuting only has one disadvantage over traditional parachuting,“ explained turkey jumping enthusiast Jabbo Yokinhowl. “Jumping out of a plane at 10,000 feet scares the shit out of the turkeys. So I usually wear an old rain jacket.”
The United States Military as well as skydiving sports enthusiasts are raving about turkey parachuting. According to US Army General Curtus Ebenezzer McPeacock, “We will be using turkey parachutes in the US military by mid 2010. Turkeys will be a vital strategic implement in future combat operatives. Often times when enemies shoot down planes the pilot and crew parachute to safety and end up in remote areas. It can be weeks before rescue crews find the soldiers. Turkey parachutes can give downed air crews the added advantage of providing thanksgiving meals while they wait for rescue personnel. If air crews are downed in cold climates they can also sleep with the turkeys for warmth.
“Although the US Military does not condone sex with turkeys, or with any animals, we plan on implementing a, ‘No ask, no tell’ policy for extreme situations.”
But not everyone is happy about turkey parachuting. Elvid Dohocker, a PETA spokesman who specializes in turkey rights said, “This outrageous new sport is cruel and an endangerment to the lives of these beautiful turkeys. How dare they force turkeys to jump out of airplanes! Would you force your child or pet dog to jump out of an airplane? We are especially appalled by the US military’s plan to force turkeys into combat. Turkeys are a peace loving animal. We are lobbying congress to prevent the military’s use of turkeys and to outlaw the terrible sport of turkey parachuting.”
According to economist Dr. Kazut Yaddolboid, who tracks the poultry industry for the Rand Corporation,
“With the growing popularity of turkey parachuting and the military utilizing turkeys we will probably see a healthy stimulus in the poultry sector of the economy. I call it a green parachute. The Obama administration is putting a lot of federal stimulus money into turkeys. However, there may be a downside to this. This Thanksgiving, due to increased demand, you can expect the price of turkeys to be up.”
