Man Returns From Hell With Horrifying Report

Hell
Hell
Did the devil get drunk and mess up? Last week after doctors pronounced Jelbert McKoondlefart dead he woke up. He had been dead for three days and then rose up in a mortuary just as a undertaker was about to cremate him. But the amazing thing that is startling doctors and Mckoonlefart’s relatives is that the death survivor is telling about his experiences in hell.

In an exclusive interview with MCT McKoondlefart related what life in hell was like:

“The devils made me live in a suburban hell ranchette house with plastic vinyl floors and counters. The food down there was part of the torture. It was terrible. The devils forced me to eat McDonald’s! Baloney sandwiches on Wonder bread, Taco Bell food, macaroni and cheese from the box and hamburger helper. I felt so sick after eating that stuff that I thought I was going to die again.

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“The devils will foist you in your suburban ranchette home into a life of endless TV: They made me watch Oprah, soap operas and game shows on TV. Dr. Phil, ‘reality’ and ‘comedy’ shows, car commercials, and infomercials for hours on end! The suffering was beyond description. The devils strapped me into a chair in my suburban ranchette house and burnt me with flames and whipped me if I closed my eyes. The condemned sit there whimpering with bulging bloodshot eyes. The devils permitted no relief. They even turned on figure skating –but it was male figure skating so no one gets the pleasure of looking at nice female butts. What is more  torturous than watching male figure skating? I shut my eyes and withstood the devils lacerations and flames instead! But the worst was when the devils forced me to watch those entertainment gossip-news shows. You never heard such blood curling screams. Oh the pain! Oh the agony! I also had to watch various local news programs. There are hundreds of them in cities small and big all over the US. Oh! What torment it was to see those dunces in suits trying to look important and say, ‘And now the weather with….. ‘

“Perhaps one of the more devastating cruel tortures was foisted upon those who had to drive a car through rush hour traffic that was almost as bad as Los Angeles! And where do the devils make you go to? One torture the devils foisted upon me and others was this: I had to hang out in a suburban strip mall parking lot. Surely you got depressed when you went to some store like Walmart or other dismal asphalt expanses with weird looking fatsos waddling to and from their cars? Well, how would you like it if you had to spend hours there? That will happen in hell! A few hours in a Walmart parking lot is a terrifying experience.

“The devils blast constant tortuous music at you in hell. They force you to listen to, ‘New Country’ and disco music. They even forced me to listen to Wayne Newton music. When I tried to put my hands over my ears chains and shackles would appear and yank my hands down. This music was so terrifying that I wanted to kill myself. But you can’t kill yourself because you are already dead. Oh the agony!

“In hell the devils force the damned to call major corporations on the phone and listen to tape recorded messages like, ‘Your call is important to us,’ with elevator music in the background. Oh! How horrible it was! The screams! The excruciating torment!

“Then after the devils relentlessly forced me to suffer a suburban ranchette life they made me fill out forms. Bureaucratic forms with pages of stuff to fill out. It was horrendous! Have you ever had to fill in your social security number, birth date and mother’s maiden name over and over? With ‘New Country’ music in the background! It makes me shudder just to think of it!

“Fortunatly I woke up and I saw I returned from the dead. I only hope that I can reform my life and do good so I do not end up in hell again.”

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