MCT has scored another scoop. Once again we got a microphone into an Obama cabinet meeting. In this meeting Obama and cabinet discuss their plans on how to win the up and coming election in 2012. Here is the transcript:
President Obama: Hello cabinet and staff members. I have called this meeting because I want to start formulating and putting into action our plan to get reelected. We have several strategies that we need to implement.
VP Biden: Sorry to interrupt Barry. But I think that we cannot, by law, devote our government business here to campaigning. Don’t we have to do that in our off hours?
President Obama: Of course, Joey, you’re talking about the Hatch Act that prohibits federal employees, except the president and vice president, from engaging in political activities on the job. But I think it’s OK if you and I talk about it and everyone else just listens. But aren’t there other exemptions?
VP Biden: You may have a point. But perhaps we need a legal clarification. Attorney General Holder, you are the chief attorney in the country. What do you think?
President Obama: Oh no. Not again. Who brought in the cardboard cutout this time? –>
Staff member: I did Sir. Sorry.
VP Biden: He almost fooled me. The cutout is wearing a real suit this time.
Staff member: I thought if I took a suit and stuffed it and put the cut out head on that it would look more authentic for photo ops. And since he is more like a scare crow now wouldn’t a scare crow be better than just a cardboard cutout for scaring criminals?
VP Biden: So our Attorney General is a stuffed suite now?
President Obama: Hey, the thing is leaking sawdust all over the place. Can we get someone in here to clean up the mess? I hope no here is allergic to sawdust.
VP Biden: If there are any white collar criminals out there that are allergic to sawdust it might be the only justice the American people get.
President Obama: Are you insinuating Joey, that there are white collar criminals out there–an element of people who are breaking laws and exploiting the system in a dishonest way at the expense of others–who the US government is failing to prosecute?
VP Biden: Yes.
…. A dead silence….
President Obama: And just who are these folks, Joey? Why don’t you name some names?
VP Biden: Julian Assange and Wikileaks.
President Obama: Well, at least we got the little guy–what was his name?– Madly Branning locked up in prison.
Hillary Clinton: Just what do you got against these guys, Joey? I am not saying I agree with making the government open and transparent myself. But isn’t calling them terrorists a bit extreme?
VP Biden: It is amazing that you haven’t said anything until now with that mouth of your’s, Hillary. I was beginning to think you were a cardboard cutout also.
Hillary Clinton: Listen Joey, I don’t care about getting your job. So why don’t you play it cool and quit acting like a cornered dog around me?
VP Biden: Then why are you always on my neck? Since you are always flying off on State Department junkets do you need extracurricular old wife nagging activity to make up for lost time with Billy?
Hillary Clinton: You need to calm down Joey. I really don’t care about getting your job, like I said. Alls I was wondering about was your making Bradley Manning and Julian Assange out to be terrorists is maybe extreme. Now maybe you saw some documents that I was not privy to and you are right. OK?
President Obama: Now let’s not get overheated here. I think the American people want us to work together. So Joey, why don’t you just clarify the case that we have against Wikileaks so all the agencies of the government are on the same track.
VP Biden: Primarily there are two really top secret things that they exposed that have damaged the US government. The first is this: In 2008 when we were campaigning for President and Vice President we gave the American people hope. Our detractors would say these were just platitudes and empty words. But we also said real things that no one could call an empty word or platitude. One of the real things Barry said was that this administration was going to be the most open and transparent in history. So when Wikileaks came around and actually made the government transparent and open they made us look really bad.
Then the second thing. No. I can’t even mention it here. Some of you know about it. But I don’t even want this secret out in this room.
Hillary Clinton: Is this the government secret that you wear a hair piece?
VP Biden: You nagging bitch! You say you don’t want my job but you do your best to try and make me look bad, don’t you Hilary? I suppose you have been going through those files with tooth and comb to try and find that dirt on me.
President Obama: Hey, hey. Can we be civil here? No one is getting their job taken away. Don’t we have enough unemployment already?
Hillary Clinton: Come on Joey, everyone sees just by looking at you that your hair is fake.
VP Biden: Well why not look more at Billy’s full head of hair if you’re so hung up on hair. Then maybe he would mess around less with other women.
President Obama: Hey, hey! Break it up. Get off him Hilary. Hey. Go sit down there and calm down. Ok?
VP Biden: So now you see. Ok. I am bald. But do you all know why I am bald? Because grass does not grow on a busy street.
Hillary Clinton: In that case maybe that isn’t a toupee and it is your real hair.
VP Biden: I just want to say that if anyone –Hillary– alludes to my hair the media will have a field day with it. And it does not matter whether or not I will be the VP, because I am the VP now. And if the media become fixated on my hair the American public will be distracted and we will never be able to adequately address the issues in this up and coming election. And believe me, we have problems addressing the real issues in this country as it is–even without distractions.
President Obama: I think it is a distraction right now. Can we talk about something else other than your hair Joey? Hillary, since you are traveling around so much, and we seldom get to see you, can you give us a briefing on your most recent foreign policy escapades? What have you learned about the world situation?
Hillary Clinton: From traveling around to different countries I think we are seeing a new openness among world leaders. We are seeing more attempts for governments to reach out to their populaces.
Qaddafi gave us a lesson that as leaders, even if you are a really good dresser, that you piss off your subjects if you give money and spread your country’s wealth only to your elite circle of friends.
Timothy Geithner: Hey! Why is everyone looking at me? It wasn’t only my idea. Helicopter Benny was for it too and he was the main instigator.
Hillary Clinton: Aren’t you guys making Barry’s and our job harder to appeal to the working class with populist propaganda if you guys are secretly lending out and guaranteeing big banks 7.7 trillion bucks?
Timothy Geithner : Oh come on, Hillary. Look babe, you’re talking about the Bloomberg expose’? First of all, who reads that eggnog head Bloomberg stuff anyway? Secondly, those Bloomberg buckeroos are even more confused than we are. On one day Mr. Big Apple Mayor Boss Bloomberg of Nueve York chews out the hot head protesters and extols the virtues that the Nueve York financing casinos add to the Nueve York economy. Then the next day Bloomberg publishes that anti financial stimulus stuff. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you the big apple!
VP Biden: Yeah. At least when Barry makes populist speeches to rile up the crowds he mostly goes against the Republican opposition to a piddly little tax increase to the super-rich to offset middle class continued tax cuts and unemployment payment extensions. He certainly doesn’t hit the financial sector below the belt like Bloomberg.
But guys. Barry. We may have a problem here. The two top Republican presidential candidates now support extending the middle class payroll tax cut extension. Just what are we going to do if we actually get our way? How will you rile the crowds, Barry, with populist propaganda with nothing to fight the Republicans over? You might have to go for real reforms like reinstating the Glass Stinkall act–that would really mess things up.
Hillary Clinton: Or maybe we would have to do something like trim the defense budget to cut the budget.
Timothy Geithner : Wo! I think you are waking General Secretary Leonid out of his nap.
Leon Panetta: What? What? I need more money. More money! Everyone says they want to create jobs. I am the only Secretary here that creates jobs beyond a few office cubicle workers.
President Obama: I don’t think Hilary is proposing anything dramatic like actually getting rid of the Military Industrial Complex.
Hillary Clinton: I am saying that if we concentrated on cutting more waste from the military more money could be used for budget reductions or other things, like education funding–an important policy goal of this administration.
Leon Panetta: There you go with that, “it takes a village to raise a child” mumbo-jumbo. Just what are you going to do? Take these big hulking, grunting marines with the crew cuts and put them in a kindergarten class?
Timothy Geithner: To tell the truth Leonid, the guys and I spend more time over there at the treasury department crafting up bonds so you guys over there at the defense department got enough funds. You think we don’t have better things to do than issue bonds for you guys?
Leon Panetta: So go ahead and quit issuing the bonds. What do I care? If you didn’t print the bonds then your old friend Benny wouldn’t print the money to buy them. Then we would have less money in the system. That would drive down commodity prices so major outlays, like fuel and bomb construction prices would go down. So we wouldn’t need so much of your money if you and Benny didn’t put out so much of it.
Timothy Geithner: Leonid, you don’t get a catamaran asterisk about economics. Then just where would you get the shekels to pay your soldiers’ salaries and your battle ship contractors if we didn’t print the bonds and the mula?
Leon Panetta: You are the one who doesn’t get economics. If we didn’t provide salaries for the mass of military personal, and all the contractors we would have a much smaller tax revenue base. And just think of all the military servicing businesses down to shoe shiners–they’d all go bankrupt. Then even more unemployment and public assistance would consume the budget.
Timothy Geithner: If you guys create so much money then why don’t you just print your own and pay your own bills? Then maybe I’d get some free time. I could play some video games and press another key on my computer besides the zero that I have my finger on all day typing up the bonds.
Hillary Clinton: You guys are just talking. I was just saying before that if we just talk talk talk and continue not doing much it might get even more people upset. I like things the way they are, like you guys, and would like not to stir up things. But we are not the ….
VP Biden: I can’t believe it. Hilary is actually at a loss for words.
Timothy Geithner: Did you just almost say a number that you got from a rabble rousing protester sign?
Hillary Clinton: I am just saying that since a lot of people are not satisfied with the way things are going since we are in a depression, if we just talk about things and don’t actually do much we could loose some votes in the next election.
President Obama: Hilary, I want to take exception to something you just said now.
Hillary Clinton: So now even you, Barry, are going to start getting on my case.
President Obama: It’s just that I take exception to the word, “depression.” The American people realize that we inherited a rough economic situation. But after nearly three years in office I don’t want us to use terms that can be dispiriting to the American public and make them believe that things are not improving. So I think we all need to be on the same page and use the same terms. I propose that we use the word, “recovery.”
VP Biden: What will we say then if we are talking about the Republicans’ crazy policies that got us into this mess? For example, “The Republican policies are what led us to this recovery.” It doesn’t sound right. Should we say, “double-dip recession?” “The Republican policies led us to a double-dip recession?”
President Obama: I don’t like that either. It is better than depression though. But if a recession is doubly dipped is it still not as not as bad as a depression? You’re the economist here Timmy, what do you think?
Timothy Geithner: I think a double dip recession is probably not as bad as a depression, but it is still pretty bad. But technically I am not sure.
Leon Panetta: We all know you don’t know that much about economics.
Timothy Geithner: If a double dip recession is still too depressing perhaps we should just call it a plain old recession?
VP Biden: We don’t have to say, “Great” recession or “double.”
President Obama: It’s not depression, but it is still depressing and I don’t think we want to convey negativity to the American public.
VP Biden: How about, “economic downturn?”
President Obama: I don’t like the term, “down.” How can we be uplifting if we are talking about being down?
Timothy Geithner: How about using the term, “Economic side track.” We are in an economic side track? That sounds ok. What do you guys think?”
President Obama: Well, I think we want to covey to the American people that we are on track–not side tracked.
VP Biden: What about the term, “curve?” We are in an economic curve– not exactly off to the side but not straight in line either.
President Obama: That is better. But I wonder if it is not quite technical sounding enough. If something is unclear if you make it sound more technical people will accept it as more official and authoritative.
Timothy Geithner: I found a word here in my iphone dictionary, “Incurvation.”
President Obama: That sounds good. So from now on we’ll just say we are in an, “Incurvation.”
VP Biden: Yeah. incurvation. Something to cite as a result of Republican policies, but not so terrible to alert people to lack of progress. General Secretary Leonid fell asleep again. Let’s wake him up and try it out on him. Hey Leonid! Wake up! Hey!
Leon Panetta: Wha.. What? Do you have some more money for me?
VP Biden: Leonid, we were talking about the current incurvation. What do you think?
Leon Panetta: What the fuck are you talking about?
Hillary Clinton: I agree that an incurvation is a lot better than a depression or even a economic downturn–and I think many people will feel relieved to learn that we are only in an incurvation and not a depression. But you just can’t win with some people. You try not to step on people’s toes and they hate you anyway. We could even cut all the taxes to rich people, increase the military and drop an atom bomb on Iran, kill the environmental regulators and put on Nazi uniforms just like that fat pig drug addict Rushy Limbaugh would like. But Rushy would still go on anti Obama and anti Democrat tirades on the radio every day.
President Obama: We learned from your own President Billy C that the way you beat Republicans is to take their issues and be more like them. So Mr. Clinton made reforming welfare an issue–a big Republican issue. Then he cut government regulations–a big issue that was also before him primarily a Republican issue. So he did away with all those regulations like Glass Stinkall–did I say it right, Timmy? And then do you guys remember a big Republican issue that Ronny Reagan went on and on about? The huge budget debt and deficit. But Ronny actually made a walloping increase in the debt.
Timothy Geithner: Just like you Barry, but all the Republicans worship him.
President Obama: Then Clinton comes around and cuts the deficit. So the Democrats do like the Republicans say they want to and then the Republicans do like they make out Democrats. In fact, it is all so confusing now that I don’t know what to do; cut the deficit or increase it even more because I don’t know which is the Republican thing or the Democrat thing to do. Bush 2 was the last Republican and increased it. So I thought if we increased the deficit we would be like the Republicans and be successful in getting re-elected like Clinton. And then I tried to do like the Republican God Reagan–to talk about debt like it was bad and increase it at the same time. So I got those commissions going–but it wasn’t my fault they failed. But look–I do the same thing as Reagan; Reagan is a god and people criticize me.
Timothy Geithner: You just can’t win can you?
President Obama: Perhaps we need to go even beyond what Clinton did. After all we are in an incurvation. I came up with a plan that will get us re-elected for sure. Here it is: We change the name of the Democratic Party to the Republican Party.
VP Biden: That might be a brilliant idea Barry, but wouldn’t that be confusing to have two parties by the same name?
President Obama: Those guys are the ones causing the confusion. When I do Republican type things that they should like such as bailing out the banks, keeping the wars going, keeping the single payer thing out of the health care bill, they still hate you. And why, because we’re Democrats? So if we just change our name we are no longer Democrats. So maybe they will stop hating us, right?
Timothy Geithner: What about the people who like Democrats? Will they start to dislike you or us just because we will be Republicans?
President Obama: A lot of those people don’t like us anyway. But they will have no Democrat really to vote for because the Democratic Party will not exist. It will exist but it will just be called the Republican party. And here is the beautiful thing about it: If we all continue acting more like Republicans and taking on Republican issues as our own we will get more Republican votes than we will lose Democratic votes. You see, the Republicans–the guys that are now the Republicans– will have to go to the extreme right to distinguish themselves from us.
Hillary Clinton: Yeah, watch them let us have the elephant because they will be taking on the swastika for their new party symbol.
President Obama: And who cares if some other folks come along and start calling themselves the Democrats. They will not fool anyone that they are us. They will be a third party fringe group just like all the other third parties that have ever tried to make a mark. And the folks that lean to the left will fear the old Republicans who will go way to the right. So those lefties will vote for us also.
VP Biden: Brilliant, Barry! Who cares about the political parties anyway? We might as well just change the name.
Hillary Clinton: Now the American people will finally know what you meant by change!