Thursday, 23 April 2009 03:37

Brian Friedkin

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MCT Offers $500 To Anyone Who Invents A Device That Destroys Answering Machines

Here is the situation: You call someone and a recorded answering machine voice says, “You have reached 555-1234 ….” I just dialed the fucking number so why do all you people have to let me know it again? Then the voice continues…. “I can’t come to the phone now ….” Why can’t you come to the phone? Are you in the middle of taking a crap? It is fucking obvious you can’t come to the phone, otherwise you would have come to the phone—so why do you need to say that? Or some messages will say, “I am not available now….” Aren’t you important. You’re not available because you’re probably doing something more important like fucking a goat out in your shed. “Please leave a message at the beep.” Thanks for those instructions. I never knew what that beep was for. Momma mia! Then you leave a message after hearing that tedious message that bored you to tears and the assholes don’t call you back anyway.

Then there are the corporate answering machines

–>, “To continue in Spanish please press one.” If you don’t understand English how are you going to understand that? And after they put you on hold a recorded voice says, “Your call is important to us.” It seems like every place you call in the US –from banks to your utility and phone companies say that. Isn’t this direct evidence that television and junk food have destroyed American brains? If your call is so important why aren’t you directly connected live with the CEO of the company—or at least the VP? When you hear a recorded voice say, “Your call is important to us,” what it really means is this: “We don’t give a flying fuck about you since we have a monopoly or already got money from you. Wait around until we get someone to service your ass. We couldn’t make as much money off you if we had bunch of operators waiting around. But you are probably a moron that will believe an idiotic recorded message that you are important to us.”

So here are the conditions to get your $500. It can’t be something like a $100,000 device. It must be something that only costs $30 or less so we can get an army of answering machine destroyers going. Also, it can’t be something already in existence like a hammer. While MCT advocates going around with a hammer and pulverizing answering machines it is impractical—you just can’t walk into enough peoples’ homes with a hammer to make an effect. What we need is the invention of something that you can add to your phone or computer. When you call and get one of those tedious answering machine messages you just push the button and the computer or machine burns up. This will instill fear in the people who perpetuate this noise pollution.

Good luck mad scientists –get working!