A MCT Exclusive:
Just a few days ago only a handful of news organizations were talking about the growing New York “Occupy Wall Street,” crowd. Now they have everyones’ attention and it is growing into a major movement. As of late Saturday night New York police have arrested 700 people and we will see on Monday if the stock brokers can even get into the NY Stock Exchange.
MCT has learned that President Obama, staff, several cabinet secretaries, and Federal Reserve Chairman “Helicopter” Ben Bernanke just had a Sunday morning emergency meeting in the White House on what to do about the growing movement. As it was Sunday morning the group did not think it was odd that a cleaning lady was in the room dusting. The cleaning lady is one of many MCT sources who recorded the meeting with her concealed cell phone. So here is a MCT exclusive: A transcript of the President, staff, cabinet secretaries and Fed Chairman Bernanke on what to do about the anti-Wall Street protests now going on in New York.
Obama: I have called you guys here on a Sunday because I think we have a big problem with these New York protesters that we need to deal with. We had those Tea Party folks to contend with before, but they were kind of nutty. They were going on about big government and health care stuff and didn’t even know they were on government health care.
Staff Member: Well aren’t these protesters in New York nutty also? They were blocking traffic on –> the Brooklyn Bridge weren’t they? Americans do not like people who cause traffic jams.
Other Staff Member: Unfortunately the news media, who always has adolescent rebellious attitudes against authority (that’s us guys), is not playing up that traffic blocking stuff.
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner: You just can’t win can you? Just when we were getting Tea Party fruity chainiks to shut up by getting together that deficit commission-even thought we didn’t do or enact anything they said. And then we really got the fruity chainiks to quiet down when we kissed the Repulicans’ buttercream cupcakes by not making upper echelons pay a little more taxes-then this rotten shitake hits the fan. You just can’t win, can you?
Obama: I resent that Timmy. I did not kiss the Republicans’ butts by not fighting hard to eliminate the super rich folk’s Bush tax cuts. I talked a lot about the unfairness of it. If you voice objections while you are kissing someone’s ass I believe you are making more positive headway with the public than just silently kissing the ass.
Staff Member: Well Mr. President, in this case maybe you shouldn’t say anything. Ignore it. Then after a few days of blocking traffic American public opinion will turn against these anti business, traffic blocking hot heads.
Obama: But what happens if unfortunately the media is unbalanced about this and fails to objectively report about the terrible traffic situation that these protesters are causing? Then the message that will get reported is that Wall Street and big business are greedy and that we in the government, who bailed them out, is in cahoots with them. And that is not the image I want to project. So gentleman, what can we do to counter this conception?
Staff Member: Mr. President. This is our Sputnik moment. This is your Sputnik moment. Yes we can! Yes we can! You don’t need to do anything… like before, you just need to give an inspirational speech! Yes we can! You can tell the American people that we are going to have change!
Obama: But I didn’t tell them that already?
Another Staff Member: Yes Sir! But this time maybe you can tell what you meant by, “Change.”
Obama: And what did I mean precisely by, “Change” anyway for the American people?
Geithner: Spare change!
…long silent pause….
Geithner: Oh, come on guys! I am just trying to interject some humor here….
Why the long faces? Yes we can! Yes we can! That’s the way guys! I know we can! We have so much going for us! Isn’t this our Sputnik moment? Yeah! Barry, you have so much going for you.
Obama: I know. I have a lot going for me.
Staff Member: And just what do you have going for you, Sir? I mean.. just to clarify the points we should emphasize in our public relation talking points.
Obama: Have you listened to those Republican idiots? They are best thing I got going for myself.
Bernanke: Well, what about that R Paul dude Barry? I mean, he wants to put me, as well as you out of a job.
Obama: R. Paul? Wasn’t he a transvestite who used to be on TV? Benny. The American people have made a lot of advances in acceptance of different kinds of folks. And I support the aspirations of gays. But I do not think a transvestite can make a successful Republican challenge against us.
Bernanke: I was not aware that he was a transvestite. Wow, that makes me feel a lot better.
Obama: Helicopter Benny. Why does everyone call you Helicopter Ben anyways?
Bernanke: Because I said that in order to interject ample quantities of liquidity in a recessionary environment I would drop capital from a helicopter.
Obama: Well, that’s great idea Helicopter Benny. Why don’t you just fly your helicopter over the crowds in New York and drop a bunch of money? Wouldn’t that quiet those people down?
Bernanke: That’s a great idea Sir. I think the recipients of this next stage of stimulus would prove to be just as greedy as the banks that we have liquefied. Watch them go jumping for the money. It would show we are willing to dump money on poor protesters as well as on fat cat bankers also. And if these stimulus recipients also failed to interject this capital in timely economic deployment the public would also grow impatient and blame us. But I say let’s try it anyways.
Geithner: I don’t about know this stimulus plan. I think a lot of economists would argue that this is a situation of moral hazard. It would induce people to break the law and block traffic and then instead of getting arrested they would get paid.
Staff Member: And if you drop the money in New York wouldn’t people in other places like Houston or Boston or Seattle go out on the streets to protest this unfair liquidity interjection in New York?
Bernanke: We would then have to make helicopter drops in the other cities also.
Obama: So we would eventually have to deploy money dropping helicopters everywhere in the US. I like to think that I can travel around to these places and give speeches and tell them that this is their Sputnik moment. That I know that they, yes they can, bring about America’s best days! But we’re battling negative attitudes not only from the Republicans, but from other people. Some more helicopter drops could help out the attitude in this country. Leonid, do we have the capacity to employ military helicopters to drop money on the protesters all over the country if the need arises?
Defense Secretary Leon Panetta: Barry, why do you always call me Leonid? It’s Leon.
Obama: Leon is almost as odd of a name as mine, Leonid. But we all grew up hearing Leonid Brezhnev all the time. And he, like you, was the head of a big military bureaucracy. Then on top of that you guys look the same. So get over it Leonid. I don’t get on your case cause you call me Barry instead of Barack.
Panetta: How about if you call me Lenny?
Obama: Oh come on. Barry, Timmy, Benny and Lenny now? I think the American people want us get down to business and run the country, Leonid, not a kindergarten class. So why don’t you answer my question already about our capacity to employ those helicopters for the money drops?
Panetta: Well, unlike you guys, I’m running a real organization that does more than sit around in computer cubicles all day-even though we do that also. We march around and blow things up. We have real things to contend with-like those contractors who build helicopters. Then we have to pay the guys that fly them and then we have to pay for the fuel also. But do you guys remember we have two wars going on? So where am I going to get more helicopters and the pilots and fuel to run them?
Geithner: Mamma mia! We issue bonds day after day, week after week to monetize these big bills you guys run up all the time and then you never have enough. You guys are lucky people are snatching up these bonds when interest rates are so damn low.
Panetta: Well, that is just the thing. Every time you issue bonds and Benny here gets those printing presses going it just throws more money around then contractors want more. Then the fuel prices go up. You can print all the money you want but it ain’t going to crank out more helicopters–it will just raise the price of the helicopters and the fuel to run them.
Bernanke: Leonid, you are starting to sound like that transvestite R Paul now. So what are you going to advocate next? Making helicopters out of gold?
Obama: Eric, what about you? You run the FBI. Do you guys have some helicopters we can use? What about all the alliances you guys have with the local law enforcement agencies? Could we rent out those helicopters?
… pause …
Obama: Hello there Mr. Attorney General. Not again.
Staff Member: Sorry, Mr. President. But Attorney General Holder told me that he couldn’t make it so he had me bring this cardboard cutout image of him to show that he was here in spirit.
Obama: So you actually saw him? Because I am beginning to wonder if he actually exists anymore. Because all we ever see is this cardboard cutout of him everywhere.
Staff Member: Actually, I didn’t really see him. I went into his office to tell him about this meeting and I found the cardboard cutout of him behind his desk. So I just brought it here.
Obama: You’re a big shot in the Justice Department. Can’t you get the FBI to find out if he still exists or find out what happened to him? Doesn’t the I stand for investigation? And they are right in the same building with you guys.
Staff Member: Sorry, but we cut our white collar crime budget way back. Every time we try to allocate more Justice Department funds for this sort of thing we go into Secretary Holder’s office and we can’t really do anything because he is just a cardboard cutout.
Obama: So are you guys all telling me that we can’t even drop money on these people if we wanted because we can’t round up the helicopters? No?
I think the American people are waiting for us to get to work! We’re going to pass that jobs bill also! Jobs! Jobs! Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can! Jobs! Yes we can!
Everyone: Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can!
…It was here that the loud volume of the chanting broke the microphone and the recording ended.
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