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Breaking News! Wednesday, June 6, 2007!
Feds Arrest Members Of A Vast Underground Midget Crime Network Who

While most dwarves and midgets are lawful & productive citizens like the ones depicted here, the FBI arrested many involved in a midget crime network.

Stole Small Objects From Millions Of Homes
The FBI and federal agents have arrested several members of a vast crime network of highly organized midgets. According to a high ranking Justice Department official these midgets were involved in a vast crime underworld that costs the United States economy billions of dollars every year. This extensive crime network organizes thousands of midgets and dwarves to steal small objects, such as socks, screw drivers, pens, spoons and many other nick-knacks. The midgets have an extensive network that traffics the stolen merchandise.

“Everybody in the country for years has been mystified as to what happened to that pencil they had or why a sock was missing,” says FBI agent Vertold Abolkowski. “We now have an answer and have arrested several criminal midget kingpins in this vast operation.”

FBI officials said that agents had a sting operation going on for years. “We discovered the midget crime network was much bigger than anyone imagined. We estimate that the underground midget crime syndicate controlled an astounding 85% of one sock sales to one legged people and 95% of the single contact lens market to one eyed people.”

According to a FBI spokesman the criminal midgets would sneak into people's homes. Inside the houses the midgets could easily hide under couches and behind curtains without victims detecting them. The midgets would then grab objects laying around and slip out of the house. Besides homes the midgets would venture into work places such as construction sites and often caused construction workers to blame their co-workers of misplacing or stealing their tools.

According to FBI agent Abolkowski, “That the midgets' crime network went on so long without detection is testimony to the genius of their modus operandi. The midgets limited their theft to small objects that confused people into thinking they misplaced the objects. So most of their crime went unreported. Even though the individual stolen items were not very valuable the midget criminals made their larceny profitable with increased quantity. If you steal thousands of socks it can be just as lucrative as stealing one diamond ring and the chance of getting caught is small.”

And lucrative it was. FBI spokesmen showed photos of confiscated kingpin midget property that included private jets, sports cars, lavish mansions full of luxury furniture and harems that included many tall women as well as sexy midget women.

At a government press conference with FBI and Department of Justice officials federal prosecutor Dabidson McHoddlelust stated, “This is an ongoing investigation. Hopefully the government's success in arresting the alleged criminals will decrease the number of missing items that disappear all the time. But we want to stress that while the midget crime network is immense citizens should be aware that the vast number of midgets and dwarves in this country are fine, upstanding and law abiding citizens.”

At the end of the press conference the DOJ prosecutor stated, “The Department of Justice will be opening an anti midget organized crime special office. We want to pass out an informational flyer that has the special office's phone number if you in the news media have any questions in the future.”

The prosecutor looked all around his podium for the papers and said, “Where did those things go?”

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