Millions of Americans’ Cars Are Glued To Their Asses

These people cannot help living like this--their asses are attached to their cars.
These people cannot help living like this--their asses are attached to their cars.
No one really can explain how this happened. Some people theorize that these victims’ asses just melded with the car seats from being on them so much. Others think it involves some sort of toxic chemical that dissolved and attached itself to the victims’ asses. Many victims manage to free themselves from the strong bond and go in their homes only to get reattached the next day on the way to work. One man almost ended up in an auto crusher because he couldn’t free himself from his car after trading it in for a new car in the cash for clunker program. A worker saw him and freed him with a sawzall. But reportedly the man’s ass is now attached to his new car. Reporter Elvoid Tesartockfast said in a AP piece that, “Many of these people who I interviewed didn’t think anything was wrong. It was as if it had always been this way and they couldn’t conceive of a different type of life.”

Some victims have a rubber band type ass attachment and

manage to go into their houses to watch TV. But if they get up from the couch the rubber-band like ass attachment snaps them back in the car. “My ass has been attached to my car for as long as I can remember,” said Houston motorist Harold Izerguter. “Do you mean it is not normal? When I drive through a older neighborhood and see old houses that don’t have the garage attached I wonder how did people live in those days? With a modern house attached to my garage  it’s convenient — I don’t have to stretch the seat and my ass too much to go in the house for something.”

But other victims are permanently attached and never get out of their cars. “Actually, when you think about it, life for someone with their ass attached to their car is easier in America than someone without a car,” said Gilda Huffferroofer, a Los Angeles resident whose ass is attached to her car seat. “With the drive in banks, drive-in fast food, drive-in liquor and all we are doing well until gas prices go back up. It’s even easy to take a shower–you just go to a drive-in car wash and open the windows. I don’t mind heavy traffic. Because wherever I go I am still really in the same place– and it doesn’t matter if a traffic bottle neck keeps me there.”

A few years ago George Bush said something that even people who dislike him agree with: “We are addicted to oil.” But Dr. Wesly Wookonker, an analyst from the prestigious Globberzoid Institute is one of the few who disagreed, “Americans, who are 4% of the world’s population, use 25% of the world’s petroleum–and it is true that 70% of all energy is used for transportation, mainly cars in America. But I don’t think we are addicted to oil. The problem is that so many peoples’ asses are stuck to their car seats. It is like saying to a drug addict you are addicted to syringes. And do you think anyone in their right mind would spend so much time in a car if they could be out in the fresh air walking or riding a bike if they were not enslaved by this little talked about car seat ass attachment problem? There has got to be a bigger problem than just oil addiction that would keep an entire country from stopping what T Boone Pickens calls, ‘The biggest transfer of wealth in history.’ (link )

“Even if car companies start producing electric cars how will we manage to get people’s asses pried up from their existing cars if electric cars like the GM volt will cost $40,000? And if T Boone Pickens is right and we can build a natural gas infrastructure will that be enough? We should also start a car ass attachment liberation program.”

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