A new fashion craze is sweeping the nation. Fashion conscious people are displaying their dead grandparents in their living rooms. Many people are disgusted and appalled at the new fashion, and health authorities are warning people that having a rotting corpse in your house may be unhealthful. But many people are in love with their new conversation pieces and many interior decorating magazines and web sites are raving about the trend.
“Having a relative die now is less painful,” says interior designer Brucey Tuchoos, “because at least you get a fantastic opportunity to use the corpse to make a striking fashion statement in your living room décor.”
Many people are taking their dead relatives to taxidermists, who
love the boom in business, to get stuffed. But the real bold fashion devotees are displaying their dead kin folk unadorned. “It is the ultimate fashion statement to let your dead grandparent just sit there and rot and fester,” added renowned interior decorator of the filthy rich Brucey Tuchoos. “Gloomy colors are in, goth is in–the dead look is really the big thing now! And what goes better in a tasteful gloomy décor than a dead, decomposing body? Also, many people grew up loving zombie movies. So having a zombie-like conversation piece in your living room is the new pièce de résistance for the season.”
Herbert Yatoads is a 33 year old San Fransisco bachelor who shares his apartment with a decomposing, maggot covered grandfather. “It used to be you asked a woman you met in a bar, ‘Would you like to see my etchings?’ Now I say to attractive women I meet, ‘Would you like to see my putrefied, rancid grandfather?’ and women get really interested in me. My sex life has become fantastic ever since my grandpa kicked the bucket.”
Bill and Melinda Krateshstien are a Portland, Oregon professional couple who live with a ripening maggot filled grey green pus covered dead grandfather. “It is so cool having gramps around and watching him change so. It is a natural process and I think it is educational for our three children to see,” said Bill Krateshstien. “We don’t mind the smell too much. Grandpa always smelled kind of funny, so the stench from his decomposition keeps his spirit among us. Eventually he should just dry out, he won’t even smell and the flies should die down.
“You can do some creative things to keep away the flies. Grandpa was a tennis player and always wore a sweat band around his head. So we give him a fresh head band of fly paper every day or so. It looks like Grandpa’s typical attire and it keeps down the flies.”
“I was really close to my grandmother,” says Hilda Tubermucket. “Seeing her dead body in the living room diminishes the pain of her being gone —because she is physically still here. We dress her in her favorite clothes and it’s nice having her around. She resembles a zombie as she decays—but it is still the same ol’ granny. I’ve always been a big zombie and monster movie fan. So it’s cool to have your own ghoulish grandma. I wish my interior decorator had the idea to include my grandpa in my décor. Unfortunately we cremated him 3 years ago so we can’t dig him up. He would have looked great just sitting there with my grandmother. He had thick white hair that would have matched well with my wall paper.”
“This is a healthy trend that will boost the death industry,” says economist Elbert Jumhocky. “With the high cost of burial and cremation, the added option of just hanging out in your grandkids living room will offer consumers an economical option.”