Albert Gosuelezstien got the shock of his life after returning home from the store when he started preparing a salad. He grabbed a tomato he bought and saw it had a nose! He jumped. It turns out that an entire truckload of genetically modified tomatoes that were delivered to a Hoboken, Oregon Safeway store had noses.
Department of health officials quarantined the store area and advised local shoppers that, “While we know of no adverse effects of eating tomatoes with noses, consumers should do so at their own risk.”
Gerald Rutreldov, a manager for Safeway said, “We apologize to anyone who was inconvenienced by the tomatoes with noses and will give a full refund to all who inadvertently bought the tomatoes. For those individuals who still wish to purchase these tomatoes
There are cultural phenomenas and inventions that come about that change the world forever. The gun, the printing press, the airplane, rock and roll, electricity and the Internet all impacted the world beyond measure. These phenomenas had huge economic reverberations. What will be the next giant phenomena that will change life forever? Could this next big thing be the economic stimulus that transforms the world to break us out of the current economic crisis? A group of intellectuals, scientists and prognosticators, including Nobel prize winners, got together and asked these exact questions. They examined things like wind power, the rebuilding of an electric rail system, an advance in solar energy technology, the viability and possibility of nuclear fusion. After several intense weeks of study they unanimously decided that the next big thing will be dwarf tossing. They made a persuasive argument in their 400 page report that the dwarf tossing phenomena will bring the world out of the economic crisis.
Dr. Elmont Chestmontville, a Harvard Sociologist, said, “A generation from now the world’s greatest dwarf tossees will be just as famous as
“It was a nightmare for law enforcement last year,” says police chief Ernie Koobouts.“We had hundreds of idiot conventioneers going around in bathing suits in freezing weather asking for directions to the swimming pool. One guy shivering his ass off told me, ‘Last year’s convention in Miami had a pool, so I thought all conventions had pools.’
“We had a cold snap last year and several idiots froze their tongues to lamp
We published an article in November, 2006: “Sprawling Factory Built In Oregon, But No One Knows What They Make, Including The Workers — Stock is way up!” We wrote about a factory that produced nothing but the company finances and business plan looked good to investors–so the stock was going up. Sound familiar? It could have been altd, “If The Manufacturing Sector Was Run Like the Financial Sector.”
Investment banks and Wall Street financiers created “wealth” and profits out of nothing. For example, they engineered derivatives— complex bets that were essentially making money off of money. This is different than investing capital based on savings from real work and production. So the house of cards has collapsed. If you are confused about what is going on imagine it is still 2006 or 2007. Here is reprint of our November 2006 article about a factory that is run like the financial industry was. Maybe now it will make sense. Maybe not.
Can you imagine a world where the Beatles and the Rolling Stones are nobodies and Sven Jorgensen and His Yodeling Accordion Quartet are more popular than Jesus Christ? Can you image a world where the accordion is like the electric guitar and hip musicians don’t play bass—they play tuba?
For years doctors thought astronaut Jeral Googorston was crazy. Googorston even thought he was crazy himself. Jeral Googorstron had everything going for him. In 1991 he launched into space as a member of the space shuttle. In a routine spacewalk during the mission something strange happened to Googorston. He explained it to MCT:
“While I was space walking outside the shuttle I had an inexplicable experience. It felt like I
Dog Breaking News!
Now think of this. I am a hairy guy. I will be coming to live at your house. I won’t ever use the bathroom except to drink out of the toilet. I’ll get my hair all over and smell bad. But the worst thing about my stay at your house is that I will shit and piss everyday in your back yard and you, not me, will have to clean it up. I’ll even lay around in it if you don’t clean it up. In addition, I will howl during the full moon and you will need to spend money on me.
You’d have to be insane to put up with the above scenario. But that’s what millions of dog owners do.
********* January 2012 Update!!! ******** The satire below from 3 years ago totally changed the Kindle. I don’t know if Jeff Bezos actually read this, but is it a coincidence that everything I made fun of –from the high price to the non open platform has changed? The new Kindle works better and costs one quarter than the one lambasted below. And the high prices for the e-books are the publishers’ fault not Amazon’s. And thanks to the Kindle the parasite middlemen publishers may soon be history. I even own a Kindle now and I give it 5 stars! Not only that, but by the time you read this one of my own books will be published for the Kindle. Stay tuned to MCT for the details. Jeff Bezos and Amazon chose to do good for the world unlike the blood sucking techno geek fashion creators and monopolizers at Apple and Microsoft. Bravo to Jeff Bezos and Amazon!
CEO, Head Writer, Publisher, Editor,
Web Designer, Guiding Light Guru & Janitor
The January 2009 satire follows below:
Hello Folks, Instead of a normal article this week we’re doing an infomercial. We have given our web site over to Amazon.
Price: Only $359.00!!! Cheap!! & this item ships for FREE with Super Saver Shipping.
This item will be released on February 24, 2009.
Ships from and sold by Amazon.com. Gift-wrap available.
Order Swindle now to RESERVE YOUR PLACE IN LINE. We prioritize orders on a first come, first served basis.
Hello!! We are the Amazon folks! We created one of the world’s greatest Internet resources! We improved the world with our fantastic web site—a massive portal of information and reviews on almost any book written and millions of other products. So why would you think we are now trying to become like Microsoft, by creating a evil monopoly that will require you to buy all your reading material from us? Isn’t a benevolent, cool magnetic ink monopoly better than a boring bookstore with old school books? Magnetic ink—that almost sounds like magic ink, and it is. So why shouldn’t you pay us for it? Don’t you people fork over money to Apple for overpriced gadgets that are much more useless and overpriced than the Swindle anyway? Take a look at the Swindle.. we got the hot, sexy gadget for you!! …. …
Say Hello to The New Swindle!
In an exclusive interview with MCT McKoondlefart related what life in hell was like:
“The devils made me live in a suburban hell ranchette house with plastic vinyl floors and counters. The food down there was part of the torture. It was terrible. The devils forced me to eat McDonald’s! Baloney sandwiches on Wonder bread, Taco Bell food, macaroni and cheese from the box and hamburger helper. I felt so sick after eating that stuff that I thought I was going to die again.
“Besides looking ridiculous everything smells twice as bad. Sure, it is OK when something smells good, but if someone farts