“Screw the high tuition costs,” says University of Washington dropout Jiglebut Hoserwald. “I had to pay a fortune to sit in a lecture hall with 500 other students. I get more personal attention from a wino who is teaching me about physics for a bottle of Thunderbird each lesson.”
Many students told us that they are getting a better education for a much lower cost. “Sure many of these bums are crazy and mentally disturbed,” added Hoserwald, ”but so are many college professors I had and the class sizes
“It wouldn’t be so terrible if I had a less common last name,” said Ebakaneebervanderspunklemcdooodlefuch Smith, “But since there are so many people with the last name Smith, if someone calls me by Smith I won’t even look up. Some people try to abbreviate my name, but that doesn’t work either because there are so many variations that nothing ever gets my attention. Also, my parents were very formal people, even if they were oddballs, and they were adamant about pronouncing my full name—so I got accustomed to it as a kid without any nicknames.
“One of my uncles used to call me, ‘Ebakaneebervanderfuch’ for short. My mother would get pissed off at
Thieves across the nation are plaguing law enforcement officials and stealing noses. Many people look upon nose theft as comical, but it is no laughing matter to its many victims. An unfortunately typical senario beset a New York city man who wished to remain nameless. Last Monday a man broke into his apartment while he was sleeping and stole his nose. No one knows if the suspect is wearing the nose or what he is doing with it. The NYPD is advising Manhattan residents to report suspicious characters who appear to have two noses or anyone carrying a nose sized bag.
High tech police crime prevention, computerized alarm systems and DNA analysis are all contributing to a lower overall crime rate. “So criminals are resorting to unusual niches in the burglar industry,” says New York police officer Barty Buckmonts. “People do not expect that there are nose thieves—but there are and nose crime is increasing. While people safeguard jewelry and credit cards noses are left out in the open and thieves are taking advantage.”
Officer Buckmonts related another typical case: “A woman walked down
A MCT Public Service Campaign:
Unless you’ve been in a cave for the last several years you have probably heard the phrase, “Friends don’t let friends drive drunk.” We at MCT thought if so many people are too stupid to know not to get plastered and race around in a car they are also too stupid to know not to do many other things. Their friends should not limit their intervention with only drunk driving. So here is the MCT public service campaign, “Friends Don’t Let Friends…”
Not only do we have a slick message for, “Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive Drunk.” We
also have banners and catchy jingles for, “Friends don’t let friends talk”; “Friends don’t let friends vote”; “Friends don’t let friends go out on the street”; “Friends don’t let friends go to law school”; and “Friends don’t let friends fuck.”
Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive Drunk
You are stupid and a fool
You don’t know a car at your shit faced command
Is a dangerous tool
I will take the keys from your hand
I’ll find a tub of ice water and give your a head a dunk
Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive Drunk
Startling New Scientific Discovery:
Scientists at a Hoboken, Oregon University have discovered evidence that man evolved from a mating of a sheep and a cat, not from apes. The evidence, which seems absurd at first and flies in the face of long held established theories is turning the scientific community and evolutionary biology upside-down. Yale biologist Dr. Zergvried Mousenfrahzer said, “After I looked at the seemingly preposterous evidence of the cat fucking the sheep theory I found it quite convincing –I had to rethink many of my assumptions about human evolution.”
A group of Hoboken, Oregon University researchers pulled together an array of fossils from Africa and other continents finding many links of the cat/sheep thing and humans. But the thing that is really convincing scientists are the logical arguments that human behavior came down from cats and sheep and still underlies the psychology of man today. For example, the concept of, “Suspended Adolescence,” makes the case that cats form bonds with humans because they depend on humans for food and shelter. Cat owners become a mother to the animals. The cats are in a perpetual state of adolescence. Adolescence is a stage of life that is dependent but rebellious at the same time. Cats are dependent for food but at the same time we have phrases like, “You can’t herd cats.” Like young teens cats defy authority, and wander around on their own as if they are free and independent. But when they are hungry they reappear and whine like a baby. Likewise young teens develop attitudes that defy their parents: they wear clothes and listen to music that their parents don’t like. I was out in the MCT mansion botanical garden with my neighbor and his twelve year old son. My neighbor mentioned he doesn’t like cucumbers. His son typically jotted off many foods he didn’t like but said cucumbers was one of his favorites!
Not far from Hoboken Oregon, in Springfield, on 5th Street near downtown someone put a big sign in their Window, “We are doomed because we can’t work together for the common good.” Why can’t we work together? Because like our progenitor, the cat, humans don’t experience just an early teen stage of adolescence, humans are in perpetual adolescence. Take for example, the Glen Beck Tea Party rally
You think all would have turned out OK. But one hungry vampire got delirious on a popular nature trail just outside of town. The vampire was so hungry and out of it he that he mistook a tree for a neck and bit into it. Now as people venture out on the nature trail they are getting attacked by this now vampire tree.
“It is just terrible,” said Hoboken, Oregon resident Eloaod Mapupinziod, “You can’t go anywhere in the state park outside town there because no one is really sure exactly just where that tree is. And no one wants to get a surprise attack
Vampires are very active in parts of the country. Vampires in Hoboken, Oregon have been so active that local hospitals put out an alert that there is a blood shortage.
“We put out the message to the media, the Red Cross, and other organizations that we have a dangerously low supply of blood,” said Sacred Thumping Heart Hospital spokesman Dr. Gerson Heeblehoot. “We got hundreds of people to donate blood, but it still wasn’t enough.
“Due to vampire activity here there are just too many blood deficient, sick and weak people unfit to contribute blood,” added Dr. Heeblehoot. “We thought there was nothing we could do and that we were headed for a crisis. But just then the vampires themselves, in the spirit of community, went on a fast to help out the local health situation.”
“People think that just because we suck blood that we do not want to help out our community,” said local vampire Vladimir Rosapsescu. “You know, many vampires have children in local schools and are involved in
I asked Melinda Goldbukeroos who flanked the left of a heavyweight, poorly dressed coventioneer who was a head shorter than her, why she was attending the convention, “Oh, I just love these guys. They are so down to earth and they don’t try and impress you by throwing money all over because they don’t have any. So you are just down to the essentials.”
LaTusha, who flanked the same fat guy on the right said,
Many paleontologists are coming to the conclusion that dinosaurs went extinct because they were gay. According to MIT scientist Dr. Irwin McCorynouat, “There is a growing body of paleontological evidence of widespread dinosaur homosexuality. Apparently many dinosaur species lack of interest in the opposite sex led to a reproduction decline that led to their demise.”
Although some scientists still believe a cataclysmic event such as a comet or climate change killed off the dinosaurs several fossil sites are throwing a monkey wrench into old theories. In a recent University of Montana dig researchers found two male dinosaur skeletons who died together in a loving embrace. Researchers are seeing simular gay entwined fossil positions at paleontological sites world wide. Paleontologists have unearthed several dinosaur species, such as the megasaurass and the lickalotapus, in various locations engaged in homosexual activities.
According to Dr. McCorynouat, “Scientists