Genetic scientists have done it again. Researchers at the Acme Genetics Corporation (Web site) have successfully produced dogs without assholes. “This will revolutionize the pet industry,” says Acme Genetics spokesman Ilvord Veganostrup. “Almost everyone loves dogs. But many people did not want to own dogs because of the inconvenience of cleaning up after them. We have eliminated that problem and have opened a whole new market for dog ownership.”
Acme Genetics scientists worked for years altering dog genetics. “We had several prototypes that unfortunately prematurely exploded,” said Veganstrup. “But our engineers did not give up. We engineered new dog
A high ranking FBI official has informed Meltingclocktimes.com that a fugitive mad scientist has developed a chemical, which he aims to put in the world wide water supply, that will make everyone believe they are Elvis Presley. Our secret source stated that, “This mad scientist loves Elvis Presley and in his demented world view he wants to see the entire world populated with Elvis impersonators. But the world will not be populated with merely Elvis impersonators. People, after drinking the tainted water, actually believe they are Elvis Presley.”
The Elvis chemical has already contaminated water in
No one had heard from Elbert Wingducker for weeks. Finally his sister broke into his house and found Elbert’s skeleton in the shower with a thick lather of shampoo on his head. Hundreds of empty shampoo bottles were strewn all over the bathroom floor. Apparently Elbert Wingducker was a man who took things too literally. He read the instructions on the shampoo bottles to, “Lather, rinse and repeat,” and continued until he withered away.
Elbert’s sister Stella said she plans on suing shampoo companies. “My brother was
Is your life better than it was fifteen years ago because we have the Internet now? Think about it. Isn’t it a giant waste of time? Sure, putting parasites like travel agents, stock brokers and newspaper classified advertising monopolies out of business is good. Sure, the wealth of information is good. But mostly the Internet has turned into to a fucking waste of time. The Internet makes available so much information that no one can take it all in. So we have more and know less because there is too much of everything.
I was thinking the Internet is good because there’s so much fascinating stuff to read. Before the Internet people sat like zombies transfixed in front of televisions turning their brains into horseshit. (& if you are thinking, “I’m special because I watch sophisticated movies and documentaries,” –Fuck you. You’re still a couch potato in a vegetative state engrossed in fantasy world that someone else created.) So… I thought at least people read on the Internet. And reading educates, stimulates and exercises the brain–unlike TV and movies that turn you into a zombie. But I suspect people are not watching TV much less. And people are not reading so much via the Internet–they’re watching youtube videos. So the Internet is just another vehicle for TV. Then there are all the social networks where you can spend hours just clicking on pictures of your, “friends.” Is that not a colossal waste of time?
Since MCT is on the avant-guard of world trend setting culture we contemplated getting a Facebook/Twitter account for MCT CEO’s Brian Friedkin’s intestinal gas and fecal matter. That way you can stay updated to the breaking split second whenever MCT CEO Brian Friedkin farts or takes a shit. But isn’t there enough shit already on the Internet?
So turn off the computer–it’s springtime. Go outside, go into the mountains and wrestle a bear, or get lost in a forest. If you live near the ocean go jump in the water and wrestle a shark. If you’re near the desert go drag your varicose veins over the rocks and cactus. Go talk to your neighbors. The problem is that you’re all uninterested in each other because how can you stir anyone’s interest if you’re glued to computers and TV screens all your life? Go have sex with your wife or girlfriend instead of wasting your time with Internet porn. If you have no mate go see some strippers and at least interact with a live human. Women, go screw your boyfriends and husbands. If you don’t have one quit being so hard to get. Take a chance on someone. You never know, something good might come out of it.
Some people go on about how the oil companies control everything. Others believe the CIA, or Goldman Sachs, or Dick Cheney, or Jews, or even Frank Sinatra (who is still alive) are pulling the strings and in charge of it all. Meltingclocktimes.com investigative reporters have discovered that Hiemie Smielsnucker, an unassuming, short, bald and fat guy who lives in suburban New Jersey is actually the guy who is in control of the world.
Hardly anyone knows it but Hiemie Smielsnucker is behind everything. He controls oil companies, banks, financial markets, the military, the media and government leaders all over the world are his puppets. You may not have heard of him before but world figure heads from Bill Gates to Barack Obama to the Saudi Royal family know him well and do whatever he says.
A top CIA official confided to us, “The CIA actually
“10,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall, 10,000,000 bottles of beer. Take one down and pass it around – 9,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall.”
That is how it all started. It ended with Ester McKookleflap shooting to death her husband Enid McKookleflap yesterday . “Mr. McKookleflap was attempting to get in the record books by singing ‘10,000,000 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall,’ and it drove his wife to the brink,” said Hoboken, Oregon police officer Chester McClouduck.
After more than four months Mr. Kookleflap had only gotten to 9,447,853 when his wife
How these hippies got into space is a great mystery. NASA official Edsel Googerbran said, “I think these hippies may have somehow got tangled up with a weather ballon and were catapulted into space. They may have been orbiting the Earth for years.”
Others are offering theories as to how the VW hippie van got up there. Another NASA official said, “I think they may have been screwed up from the marijuana, took a wrong turn and ended up on a jet runway. Perhaps they somehow got tangled up with a jet and were dragged up into the atmosphere. Who knows what may have happened?”
About a year ago we published an article, Alternative Universe Is Discovered That Is Exactly Like Earth Except Rock And Roll Is Unpopular And Polka Music Is The Rave. It was about astronaut Jeral Googorston’s experience getting sucked through a worm hole from an alternative universe that was exactly like this universe– expect the alternative universe has polka wherever we have rock and roll. Now another astronaut has come out of the closet. Zebenhouser Verilstiener says he had a similar experience that astronaut Jeral Googerston had during a routine space walk only 5 months ago. When he returned to earth he couldn’t believe how advanced all the computers were.
Verilstiener told his story, “I thought I was nuts. In my universe Apple manufactures all computers and they’re outrageously expensive. Color computers cost 6000 bucks and
Wilma Butercup, an agnostic from Hoboken, Oregon, thought she had a problem just shooing the proselytizers away. Last Monday right when a group of Jehovah Witnesses approached Butercup’s door she saw Mormons coming up her front steps from the other direction. A major brawl erupted with each group yelling at each other and tossing flower pots. Butercup called the cops, but major damage already occurred before police broke up the fight. Garden flowers were uprooted and the place was strewn over with torn Watchtower pages and Mormon pamphlets.
“It’s getting bad out here,” says
Bud Clampet is an Indiana farmer. Every once in a while Bud would jump in his pick up and visit Chester McFoulden who lives a half mile down the road. Last fall Bud got out of his truck and walked up to Chester who was sitting on his porch.
“How ya doing there ol’ Buddy Boy?”
“Oh, pretty good, pretty good.”
“How is your corn crop going? Your corn looks like shit compared to my corn.”
“My corn is growing great. I think you got turned around and you were looking at your shitty corn.”
The two neighbors laughed as they went on with a typical conversation like many over the last 30 years. But that day something was different. Bud Clampet had his new cell phone in his pocket and it rang. He stopped talking with Chester and began talking into the phone.
“Yes, Yes…. I think that might be OK…..”
Chester sat looking slightly out of place as his visitor went on in his own world, “Well, I think that might be a good way to do it…. Certainly…… I think I can agree to that…… Sure….. But, if ya got to rectify the thing….”
Chester thought about going inside and messing on the computer or getting something to eat, but hoped his friend would get off the phone. Instead the conversation went on.
Then a flock of chickens came out of nowhere, swarmed upon the cell phone talker driving their beaks into his flesh. One chicken jumped
A consortium of American doctors, the AMA, all the major health insurance companies, and pharmaceutical conglomerates are all grouping together and joining OPEC. An insurance company executive told MCT that, “The top level officials in the health-care industrial complex finally got together to take this action to protect and preserve our industry and way of life.”
“This is a solid business model that will insure big and continued profits,” said Laughlin Helicaninswarm, a journalist for Big Moat Monopoly Economic Review.
So far the organization has not chosen a new acronym or name yet. But here are some of the new name ideas: