Some people go on about how the oil companies control everything. Others believe the CIA, or Goldman Sachs, or Dick Cheney, or Jews, or even Frank Sinatra (who is still alive) are pulling the strings and in charge of it all. Meltingclocktimes.com investigative reporters have discovered that Hiemie Smielsnucker, an unassuming, short, bald and fat guy who lives in suburban New Jersey is actually the guy who is in control of the world.
Hardly anyone knows it but Hiemie Smielsnucker is behind everything. He controls oil companies, banks, financial markets, the military, the media and government leaders all over the world are his puppets. You may not have heard of him before but world figure heads from Bill Gates to Barack Obama to the Saudi Royal family know him well and do whatever he says.
A top CIA official confided to us, “The CIA actually
“10,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall, 10,000,000 bottles of beer. Take one down and pass it around – 9,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall.”
That is how it all started. It ended with Ester McKookleflap shooting to death her husband Enid McKookleflap yesterday . “Mr. McKookleflap was attempting to get in the record books by singing ‘10,000,000 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall,’ and it drove his wife to the brink,” said Hoboken, Oregon police officer Chester McClouduck.
After more than four months Mr. Kookleflap had only gotten to 9,447,853 when his wife
How these hippies got into space is a great mystery. NASA official Edsel Googerbran said, “I think these hippies may have somehow got tangled up with a weather ballon and were catapulted into space. They may have been orbiting the Earth for years.”
Others are offering theories as to how the VW hippie van got up there. Another NASA official said, “I think they may have been screwed up from the marijuana, took a wrong turn and ended up on a jet runway. Perhaps they somehow got tangled up with a jet and were dragged up into the atmosphere. Who knows what may have happened?”
About a year ago we published an article, Alternative Universe Is Discovered That Is Exactly Like Earth Except Rock And Roll Is Unpopular And Polka Music Is The Rave. It was about astronaut Jeral Googorston’s experience getting sucked through a worm hole from an alternative universe that was exactly like this universe– expect the alternative universe has polka wherever we have rock and roll. Now another astronaut has come out of the closet. Zebenhouser Verilstiener says he had a similar experience that astronaut Jeral Googerston had during a routine space walk only 5 months ago. When he returned to earth he couldn’t believe how advanced all the computers were.
Verilstiener told his story, “I thought I was nuts. In my universe Apple manufactures all computers and they’re outrageously expensive. Color computers cost 6000 bucks and
Wilma Butercup, an agnostic from Hoboken, Oregon, thought she had a problem just shooing the proselytizers away. Last Monday right when a group of Jehovah Witnesses approached Butercup’s door she saw Mormons coming up her front steps from the other direction. A major brawl erupted with each group yelling at each other and tossing flower pots. Butercup called the cops, but major damage already occurred before police broke up the fight. Garden flowers were uprooted and the place was strewn over with torn Watchtower pages and Mormon pamphlets.
“It’s getting bad out here,” says
Bud Clampet is an Indiana farmer. Every once in a while Bud would jump in his pick up and visit Chester McFoulden who lives a half mile down the road. Last fall Bud got out of his truck and walked up to Chester who was sitting on his porch.
“How ya doing there ol’ Buddy Boy?”
“Oh, pretty good, pretty good.”
“How is your corn crop going? Your corn looks like shit compared to my corn.”
“My corn is growing great. I think you got turned around and you were looking at your shitty corn.”
The two neighbors laughed as they went on with a typical conversation like many over the last 30 years. But that day something was different. Bud Clampet had his new cell phone in his pocket and it rang. He stopped talking with Chester and began talking into the phone.
“Yes, Yes…. I think that might be OK…..”
Chester sat looking slightly out of place as his visitor went on in his own world, “Well, I think that might be a good way to do it…. Certainly…… I think I can agree to that…… Sure….. But, if ya got to rectify the thing….”
Chester thought about going inside and messing on the computer or getting something to eat, but hoped his friend would get off the phone. Instead the conversation went on.
Then a flock of chickens came out of nowhere, swarmed upon the cell phone talker driving their beaks into his flesh. One chicken jumped
A consortium of American doctors, the AMA, all the major health insurance companies, and pharmaceutical conglomerates are all grouping together and joining OPEC. An insurance company executive told MCT that, “The top level officials in the health-care industrial complex finally got together to take this action to protect and preserve our industry and way of life.”
“This is a solid business model that will insure big and continued profits,” said Laughlin Helicaninswarm, a journalist for Big Moat Monopoly Economic Review.
So far the organization has not chosen a new acronym or name yet. But here are some of the new name ideas:
Even though we are big winter sports enthusiasts here at MCT we did not watch much of the winter Olympics. The MCT mansion in Hoboken, Oregon is just down the road from a fantastic ski area, Willamette Pass. So we are there often engaged in winter sports, not on our asses watching other people doing it. Also because MCT CEO Brian Friedkin has a low tolerance for stupid shit there is no TV in the MCT mansion.
We only saw the Olympics when we went to bars that had TVs up on the walls. But there are other reasons why none of us went out of our way to watch the Olympics. MCT CEO Brain Friedkin, an avid skier himself, went into a bar and saw on the screen guys pushing a big tea kettle down the ice with other guys cleaning the floor with brooms. He stated the obvious, “That curling shit is not a sport.” The Olympics are full of things that are not sports. For example, the
Edwin Tomato says his family has had the name “Tomato” for centuries and all farmers and produce dealers owe him and his family back royalties for using his family name for their food product. “There is no evidence that any of my ancestors gave any farmer the right to use our name with the vegetable that it is associated with. This is an outright violation my families intellectual property rights.”
In the middle ages people thought tomatoes were poisonous and didn’t eat them. Tomato believes that his great, great, great x 24 grandfather in the 17th century was one of the first farmers to cultivate and popularize the eating of tomatoes, and then his name stuck. “That relative of mine and his sons and descendants who grew the vegetable were the only ones who had the right to use the name tomato. Everyone else owes us licensing fees for use of the name.
“It is as if right after Coke started selling their product and every other company that made a cola drink started calling themselves ‘Coke’ also. That is outright trademark infringement and that is what has been happening to my family for centuries. These trademark infringers need to