The Standard American Toilet Company has come out with a new hi-tech talking toilet that is causing a waterfall of controversy. Apparently wise guys in the factory programed the toilets to blurt out insults like; “Whew! Was that a big one!” or, “Whoa, that’s a stinker! If toilets could kill themselves I’d do it right now!” Other customers have sat down on the toilets and heard, “Wow! What a fat ass you’ve got! You’re going to break me!”
The Standard American Toilet Company marketed their new hi-tech talking toilet to people who wanted to remind their kids to flush, or to spray some deodorant in the room. For example, if you have the new talking toilet you can program it so your young child could hear, “Now, don’t forget to flush!” or a wife could program the toilet to say, “Dear, please put down the seat!”
Toilet experts saw this new toilet industry innovation as a potential boom to
The Tomato Conspiracy Theory:
Who eats grocery store tomatoes that are picked green and shot with gas to turn them red? They are utterly tasteless. Here at MCT we only eat tomatoes that come the from the MCT mansion garden. In winter we don’t eat tomatoes. It is obvious that this tasteless tomato situation is a conspiracy by the home garden industry and possibly social do gooders who want people to eat fresh, healthy home grown food. The garden industry conspires to stock grocery stores with insipid produce so that people will buy gardening supplies– seeds, fertilizer, starts, etc.–and grow their own tomatoes.
The Wonder Bread Yeast and Flour Industry Conspiracy Theory:
Is the US the only country where so many stores sell bread that is not freshly baked? Who eats this terrible aerated, tasteless bread that is more like toilet paper, both in flavor and nutrition, than real bread. It is obvious: It is a conspiracy by the yeast and flour industry who will make more money if people bake bread at home. And with the crappy bread in grocery stores, and the ease in making home baked bread, (Check out the book, “Artisan Bread In 5 Min. A Day,”) it is a wonder why
Police and factory investigators have determined that McCowski put gobs of extra-strength super-glue inside and outside the condoms so that once the package was opened and put to use the couples became instantly stuck together. Doctors across the country are having a very difficult time separating the couples. Men who have large organs buried deep inside their partners make it impossible for the doctors to access the fusion. When doctors can get to the area they are having to painfully sever the top layer of skin leaving the men and women with excruciating raw red skin.
Authorities are advising consumers who have purchased Sureon lubricated condoms to put them on a piece of paper after opening. If the condom sticks do not use it. Return any defective condoms to the place of purchase for replacements, unless you need the glue to mend broken stuff.
Condom factory co-worker Seymour Figgerton says McCowski was a loner who didn’t talk much, “One time he said, ‘Do you realize we assist fornicators to kill holy bodily fluid?’
“I though he just had a weird sense of humor. He also invited me to go to the First Church of Appliantology.”
Some victims have a rubber band type ass attachment and
Step 1: No Public Health Care-and that includes Medicare-and Mandatory Private Health Insurance. The insurance industry is fighting to keep out the public plan so they can keep their profits. What is so bad about the insurance industry making a lot of money? Doctors and sick people fill in shit loads of insurance forms. How would you like to read this paper work for a living? I would have to get a shit load of money for doing that tedious stuff also. Suppose the public health insurance opponents are right. The government would mess up the health care system. So, as the insurance industry desires, we go without a public plan. Then the government should make it the law that everyone buys private health care insurance. Let the insurance companies continue doing whatever they want without government regulation. If they want to deny someone coverage that is their business. However, if you are not sick you must, by law, pay premiums. What will happen?
Ground Breaking News!
We reported three years ago that Walmart was going to raze the White House and build a super center there.(link) While Bush was eager to catch up with the rest of America and move the White House to the suburbs the Bush transition team ran into problems. A few months down the road the Republicans lost control of congress and had trouble passing their agenda. So Bush administration officials concluded that by the time they would move the White House to the suburbs their term would be over anyway. But Walmart still wants to take over the capital. They have already conquered the rest of the country–so they jumped at the opportunity to build a
This article was originally published June 13, 2006. Another MCT article explains why this didn’t work out. Walmart will instead raze the Treasury Department and build the super center there. Read about it via this link.
Ground Breaking News! Tuesday, June 13, 2006!
White House To Be Razed For New Super Walmart
Walmart officials and the General Services Administration, the government branch that deals with federal buildings, have jointly announced that they will raze the White House to make way for a super Walmart store. The White House will be moving to a location in suburban Virginia.
“There were many reasons that just made sense for a White House move,” said General Services Administration spokesman Elbert Hunderdunk. “While the White House does have sentimental and symbolic significance to many Americans it is an old, outdated structure. Instead of constantly upgrading the worn out building it makes sense just to move elsewhere—especially now that real estate prices are very high and the Walmart corporation is willing to pay handsomely for the property. I think most Americans will appreciate
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner said, “It makes sense for us to move into the Goldman Sachs headquarters in New York. New York City is the
Emily Senbus always considered herself as a conservative, “I never even thought of doing pornography. I don’t even have very big breasts. But if all the pornographers were interested in was my nose I didn’t see anything wrong with it—especially for the money I make.”
Senbus has what nose fetishists consider an extremely sexy