Then there are the corporate answering machines
Imagine our shock when the creature pictured on the right walked into our offices here at MCT. As you can see he has three noses and ears, four eyes and two mouths. His skin color is green, purple and red striped with green polka dots. He told us that he is the highest ranking General in the Zeedbout Army from the planet Zeedbout stationed on Earth. Normally we would have thought he was a nut, but his four eyes, two butts and third arm coming out his back (not pictured) convinced us to take him seriously.
The following is a transcript of the vitally important news that the General conveyed to us:
“Greetings Earthling readers at Meltingclocktimes.com. I have come to give you a message, as I am now touring all the major media outlets on the Earth to get the message out. From here I will be flying to the East coast of your continent to relay this same message to editors at the New York Times and the Washington Post.
“The message is this:
Meltingclocktimes.com has learned that the Nike shoe company is starting a new advertising campaign with Osama Bin Laden. Through our secret sources we were able to see the new TV shot with Bin Laden. Bin Laden is crouched on a rock and says in broken English, “Hello infidels in America. We don’t agree on much do we? But I think we can agree on one thing—Nike makes great shoes. With them my deputies and I have been outrunning the greatest army in the world for seven and a half years. I think Allah and Nike both deserve credit. Nike Shoes have given me great traction in mountain terrain and on slippery rocks. You guys may be the infidel—but you sure make good shoes!” Then you see Bin Laden hold his thumb up and say, “Praise Allah and Nike—just do it!”
According to Nike CEO Philly Knight, “This does not mean we endorse Bin Laden. And to be honest I wish he didn’t have our shoes that enabled him to avoid capture. But since he does wear Nike shoes, and he did out run the US Army Rangers for seven and half years, it does make us feel pretty good about the quality of our products.”
Some analysts, such as Dr. Hugoritz Takokaballer of the Veldstrum Think Tank think,”This shows that Bin Laden is desperate for attention. He needs a new act because
I walked around a corner and an old man was sitting on a bus stop bench. The old man was more amazed to see me than I was to see him.
"Where are you from and who are you?" he asked me.
I told him I just sailed from Hawaii and asked him what happened, "Was there a plague? Some bacteria that only killed people, but spared everything else?"
He told me the following story:
Every day is April Fools day at MCT. We are living in a world of fools–so isn’t that appropriate?
Albert Gosuelezstien got the shock of his life after returning home from the store when he started preparing a salad. He grabbed a tomato he bought and saw it had a nose! He jumped. It turns out that an entire truckload of genetically modified tomatoes that were delivered to a Hoboken, Oregon Safeway store had noses.
Department of health officials quarantined the store area and advised local shoppers that, “While we know of no adverse effects of eating tomatoes with noses, consumers should do so at their own risk.”
Gerald Rutreldov, a manager for Safeway said, “We apologize to anyone who was inconvenienced by the tomatoes with noses and will give a full refund to all who inadvertently bought the tomatoes. For those individuals who still wish to purchase these tomatoes
There are cultural phenomenas and inventions that come about that change the world forever. The gun, the printing press, the airplane, rock and roll, electricity and the Internet all impacted the world beyond measure. These phenomenas had huge economic reverberations. What will be the next giant phenomena that will change life forever? Could this next big thing be the economic stimulus that transforms the world to break us out of the current economic crisis? A group of intellectuals, scientists and prognosticators, including Nobel prize winners, got together and asked these exact questions. They examined things like wind power, the rebuilding of an electric rail system, an advance in solar energy technology, the viability and possibility of nuclear fusion. After several intense weeks of study they unanimously decided that the next big thing will be dwarf tossing. They made a persuasive argument in their 400 page report that the dwarf tossing phenomena will bring the world out of the economic crisis.
Dr. Elmont Chestmontville, a Harvard Sociologist, said, “A generation from now the world’s greatest dwarf tossees will be just as famous as
“It was a nightmare for law enforcement last year,” says police chief Ernie Koobouts.“We had hundreds of idiot conventioneers going around in bathing suits in freezing weather asking for directions to the swimming pool. One guy shivering his ass off told me, ‘Last year’s convention in Miami had a pool, so I thought all conventions had pools.’
“We had a cold snap last year and several idiots froze their tongues to lamp
We published an article in November, 2006: “Sprawling Factory Built In Oregon, But No One Knows What They Make, Including The Workers — Stock is way up!” We wrote about a factory that produced nothing but the company finances and business plan looked good to investors–so the stock was going up. Sound familiar? It could have been altd, “If The Manufacturing Sector Was Run Like the Financial Sector.”
Investment banks and Wall Street financiers created “wealth” and profits out of nothing. For example, they engineered derivatives— complex bets that were essentially making money off of money. This is different than investing capital based on savings from real work and production. So the house of cards has collapsed. If you are confused about what is going on imagine it is still 2006 or 2007. Here is reprint of our November 2006 article about a factory that is run like the financial industry was. Maybe now it will make sense. Maybe not.
Can you imagine a world where the Beatles and the Rolling Stones are nobodies and Sven Jorgensen and His Yodeling Accordion Quartet are more popular than Jesus Christ? Can you image a world where the accordion is like the electric guitar and hip musicians don’t play bass—they play tuba?
For years doctors thought astronaut Jeral Googorston was crazy. Googorston even thought he was crazy himself. Jeral Googorstron had everything going for him. In 1991 he launched into space as a member of the space shuttle. In a routine spacewalk during the mission something strange happened to Googorston. He explained it to MCT:
“While I was space walking outside the shuttle I had an inexplicable experience. It felt like I
Dog Breaking News!
Now think of this. I am a hairy guy. I will be coming to live at your house. I won’t ever use the bathroom except to drink out of the toilet. I’ll get my hair all over and smell bad. But the worst thing about my stay at your house is that I will shit and piss everyday in your back yard and you, not me, will have to clean it up. I’ll even lay around in it if you don’t clean it up. In addition, I will howl during the full moon and you will need to spend money on me.
You’d have to be insane to put up with the above scenario. But that’s what millions of dog owners do.