********* January 2012 Update!!! ******** The satire below from 3 years ago totally changed the Kindle. I don’t know if Jeff Bezos actually read this, but is it a coincidence that everything I made fun of –from the high price to the non open platform has changed? The new Kindle works better and costs one quarter than the one lambasted below. And the high prices for the e-books are the publishers’ fault not Amazon’s. And thanks to the Kindle the parasite middlemen publishers may soon be history. I even own a Kindle now and I give it 5 stars! Not only that, but by the time you read this one of my own books will be published for the Kindle. Stay tuned to MCT for the details. Jeff Bezos and Amazon chose to do good for the world unlike the blood sucking techno geek fashion creators and monopolizers at Apple and Microsoft. Bravo to Jeff Bezos and Amazon!
CEO, Head Writer, Publisher, Editor,
Web Designer, Guiding Light Guru & Janitor
The January 2009 satire follows below:
Hello Folks, Instead of a normal article this week we’re doing an infomercial. We have given our web site over to Amazon.
Price: Only $359.00!!! Cheap!! & this item ships for FREE with Super Saver Shipping.
This item will be released on February 24, 2009.
Ships from and sold by Amazon.com. Gift-wrap available.
Order Swindle now to RESERVE YOUR PLACE IN LINE. We prioritize orders on a first come, first served basis.
Hello!! We are the Amazon folks! We created one of the world’s greatest Internet resources! We improved the world with our fantastic web site—a massive portal of information and reviews on almost any book written and millions of other products. So why would you think we are now trying to become like Microsoft, by creating a evil monopoly that will require you to buy all your reading material from us? Isn’t a benevolent, cool magnetic ink monopoly better than a boring bookstore with old school books? Magnetic ink—that almost sounds like magic ink, and it is. So why shouldn’t you pay us for it? Don’t you people fork over money to Apple for overpriced gadgets that are much more useless and overpriced than the Swindle anyway? Take a look at the Swindle.. we got the hot, sexy gadget for you!! …. …
Say Hello to The New Swindle!
In an exclusive interview with MCT McKoondlefart related what life in hell was like:
“The devils made me live in a suburban hell ranchette house with plastic vinyl floors and counters. The food down there was part of the torture. It was terrible. The devils forced me to eat McDonald’s! Baloney sandwiches on Wonder bread, Taco Bell food, macaroni and cheese from the box and hamburger helper. I felt so sick after eating that stuff that I thought I was going to die again.
“Besides looking ridiculous everything smells twice as bad. Sure, it is OK when something smells good, but if someone farts
The President showed a penchant for red dresses and put
A prominent surgeon from the Hoboken, Oregon Medical Institute, Dr. Midros Hienzmucker has perfected a revolutionary way of ending world hunger. Dr. Hienzmucker crafted an operation that transplants a goat stomach into a human stomach. The human recipient with the added goat stomach can then eat grass, or even paper–anything that a goat can eat and digest it. Furthermore the enzymes in the goat stomach process the grass carbohydrates into energy giving nutrition.
“This is a development that has the power to transform the world,” says humanitarian Edzel Frustrawhip. “Dr. Hienzmuckers foresight may create a future world without hunger and make possible
Mildred Felkelstien is a retired school teacher who one day went out for a simple bus ride across town to visit her daughter. The bus ride turned into a three year hell after she accidentally sat on some gum and couldn’t get up from the seat. What follows is Mrs. Felkelstien’s own words in an exclusive interview with Meltingclocktimes.com of how she survived, how she failed to get people to help her, and how she eventually freed herself:
“It all started when I unknowingly sat on some gum that some dirty kid must have spit out. When I tried to get up to get off at my stop I couldn’t get up. Maybe it was some powerful glue that someone put there as a joke–I don’t know– because it held me with a powerful force. Perhaps some construction worker sat there and spilled some heavy duty adhesive. I missed my stop and I was moving around juggling to get up. People just looked at me like I had to pee or something and wouldn’t help me. Finally exhausted I sat back down. When other passengers would sit next to me I would say, ‘Can you help me? I am stuck. Do you have a
(Originally published in spring 08 before she dropped out of the presidential race. After she dropped out we reduced our offer to $19.95.)
A Person lies dead in a morgue and his finger nails and hair continue to grow. A chicken with his head cut off runs around. Scientists say electrical energy in nerves make it possible for a headless chicken to run around. But human nerve structure is much more complicated than in a chicken. Could a disease attack a human’s brain, or can an arterial blockage kill the higher functions of the brain and leave reptilian motor functions of the brain intact? Then suppose that electrical nerve impulses move muscles in the brain dead human that mimic higher brain functions? For example, speech or driving a car? These are questions being raised in a landmark study by Dr. Ziegfried Yoddlebucker. Dr. Yoddlebucker tested the brain waves in thousands of people and found that nothing is there in perhaps 50% of the population. Yoddlebucker has discovered, that remarkably, half the people in the United States may actually be dead even though they appear to be alive and functioning. Although Dr. Yoddlebucker’s findings are controversial many scientists conclude that it does explain a lot of behavior among people that does not seem to include thought.
Scientists have discovered that many activities do not require higher brain processes. People with severe brain damage can drive a car, go shopping or even
“This is the most fantastic news I ever heard,” exclaimed Sinatra Biographer Helmut Verstien. “We can only hope that unlike Elvis Presley, the Chairman will get tired of not being in the limelight and resume his singing career.”
Others were ecstatic with the news that Sinatra is doing well. “I came here to Graceland because I love Elvis,” said 74 year old New Jersey tourist George Dashyevsky. “But not only did I see Elvis himself, I saw Frank Sinatra also! Can you believe that? Wow!”
A growing number of doctors and medical care experts have reached the conclusion that many patients who have died or are dying are not really sick or even dead, but that they suffer from a severe form of hypochondria.
“The theory, which seems absurd at first, makes a lot of sense when you examine the arguments,” says Mayo clinic medical researcher Dr. Velstien Vertboots. “A lot of people think because they are old they must die. But the human body even in old age is very resilient and has amazing healing powers. It is only people’s attitudes that make them feeble, sick and dead. Death is mostly a psychological problem and then many people thrive on the attention they get while dying. Many deceased people are actually healthy.
Restaurants in Italian sections of cities across America that have advertised “Low Carb” are getting windows broken out and thugs are beating up “low carb” chefs. Panic is sweeping through the restaurant industry. I called up my friend Luigi. Luigi is in the thick of the underworld. If something is going on Luigi gives me the scope. Luigi and I met at our favorite Italian restaurant. This place served traditional Italian food, so it suffered no vandalism like other places on the street. We sat down at the red checkered table and