But since we do cover noses we sent a correspondent to investigate the surgeon behind the famous Jackson nose deflation techniques. This led us into a tangled web of Jackson’s inner circle and his connection to Sarah Palin. We were so shocked that we even missed the memorial. (But that was OK because to our dismay Dweezil Zappa was not invited to perform the wonderful tribute song his father wrote about Jackson, “Why Don’t You Like Me?”)
While other publications seek out celebrity personalities MCT talks to gardeners and maids to get the real story. We went to Jackson’s mansion and saw hordes of reporters acting like a bunch of 12 year old girls waiting for someone famous to prostrate themselves to.
Meanwhile we talked to the gardener, Alfonzo Zeeberzanches, as he left the grounds unnoticed,
–>”A few days ago as I was attending the yard I had to pee. Mr. Jackson had yelled at me for peeing on the rose bushes. So I knocked on the door and asked to use the mansion toilet. The place was so big I got lost after a butler directed me down a hall. I opened a wrong door and there was Mr. Jackson all tied up. An attractive women dressed up in black leather was whipping Mr. Jackson. It was Sarah Palin. They didn’t notice me. Mrs. Palin was whipping and yelling, ‘I will teach you to like women! Do you understand?’
“Mr. Jackson was whimpering, ‘Help me! Help!’
“Palin swung the whip and said, ‘Now who is your governess?’
“‘Schwarzenegger?’ meekly replied Jackson.
“No!” yelled Palin and hurled the whip again.
“I said, ‘Are you all right Mr. Jackson?’ He had a look of fear in his eyes. Palin turned and snapped the whip at me and it circled around my leg like a snake.
“‘How did you get in here?’ yelled Palin. ‘If you tell anyone about this you are meat. Do you understand?’ She pulled the whip back and knocked me off my feet and screamed, ‘Now get out of here.’
“I got up, ran out and found the butler. I told the butler that Sarah Palin was torturing Mr. Jackson in a back room. The butler looked at me like I was a nut and said, ‘Oh come on. The Alaska Governess just came by to express her admiration as a long time fan.'”
We later tracked down a Jackson mansion cleaning woman, Eltorressa Montecomez, who confirmed that she saw Sarah Palin in the mansion. “I found very odd things cleaning up after Governess Palin left: hand cuffs, a straight jacket, chains, and blood stains on the sheets.”
Our Alaska corespondent talked with long time Palin observer and Anchorage Times journalist, Ehod Werftuker. “It does not surprise me that Governess Palin has become so crazed with power that she believed she could control pop music. I think in her demented Republican world view and in her own power intoxication she believed she could force Michael Jackson to become moral and heterosexual. Obviously, she went overboard. The torture was too stressful for Jackson and gave him a heart attack. It is clear that Governess Palin understands she must lay low until this thing blows over. She cannot lay low as the Governess of Alaska. This makes clear her reason for resigning.”
Thakerious Humcrutencrantz is a top level Wasilla, Alaska city manager who worked with Palin for years. “If you knew Governess Palin it would not strike you as far fetched that she killed Michael Jackson. I walked into her office several times and saw her with spiked black high heels practicing swinging a whip–all while listening to Michael Jackson music. Once she even picked up a Jackson CD and said to me, ‘I will not permit his un-republican ways when I am president!’ At the time I thought she was joking.”
Journalist Ehod Werftuker added, “She is a mastermind and bent on world domination. Perhaps she sees this as an opportunity. Her resignation diverts attention away from people discovering she visited Jackson right before his death. Then she moves out of the limelight. The Jackson thing blows over and she is also done with Alaska–which is way too small for her huge ego. While laying low she will study things like finding Mexico on the map and other facts–like what language they speak in countries such as Russia and England. Maybe she will learn some other countries’ names also. Then in her mind she comes back as a formidable presidential contender and takes over the United States in her lust for power.”