Thought Provoking, Insightful News & Analysis

Breaking News! Saturday, April 30, 2005!
Meltingclocktimes.com Proposes New Rules To Improve Major Sports, Part 1
Suggestions include eliminating free throws in basketball, mandatory wardrobe malfunctions in half time shows, and replacing hockey pucks with live chihuahuas

In an effort to revive hockey some teams have already played a few games of live chihuahua hockey to enthusiastic crowds.

The Internet, video games and a million other things are grabbing crowds away from sports. Attendance is falling in major sports events. The National Hockey League even called the season off and not so many people even care. All the major sports need major changes to get the crowds interested again. But not petty changes like new uniform colors that only get gay guys interested. All the sports need rule changes to make them more exciting and interesting. So hence sports people, Meltingclocktimes.com is proposing these new rules to all the major sports. If these Meltingclocktimes.com suggestions are enacted the sports world will see a enormous increase in popularity. If they are not enacted major sports will continue to stagnate and decline in popularity.

Here are Meltingclocktimes.com proposals for changing major sports for the better:

Basketball: No free throws! Who wants to see some giant stand behind a line and toss a ball? Boring! Instead have a penalty box like in hockey. If a player has too many fouls he goes into the penalty box. But here is the catch that would make basketball a really exciting sport: You get penalty box points if you don't foul the other players. So if you haven't shoved your opponent enough you end up in the penalty box.

Baseball: You just can't throw the ball to the base to get the guy out. Also, if a batter hits a fly ball that is caught he is not out—You have to tag him with the ball and then tackle him.

Since we reported about live cat soccer a year ago it has grown even more popular.

No foul balls. Here is how to fix this boring part of baseball. You put the stands right up to the field. If a ball goes into the stands the fan who gets the ball can throw it at the batter who will be running the bases, or any one else on base. If the ball hits or comes within ten feet of the runner he is out. How do you keep this fair if a home team is at bat? If a fan gets a foul ball and throws it back within ten feet of the home team base runner he wins $25,000. If he hits the home team runner he gets $50,000! This will produce interesting drama on the field. Will there be devoted fans who will blow a chance at $50,000 and throw the ball into left field so their team can win? And if the ball does get thrown in left field you play just as if it were hit there.

Football: Get rid of those goal posts! No boring kicking. Get rid of the punt, the field goal, the extra point and even the kick off. Here is how you start off each half. Each team is at the end of the field. One has the ball. The referee says, “Go!” The two teams charge and when they met around the fifty yard line it will be great—like two armies clashing in a battle.

No out of bounds! Have the stands go right up to the field. If a receiver jumps up into the stands and catches a ball—good! Keep on playing.

During the half time show: Sexy women entertainers with mandatory wardrobe malfunctions!

Hockey: Hockey is actually an exciting sport to watch in person but Americans are too lazy to get off the couch and go to the arena--and it just ain't the same on TV. That is why no one cares that hockey was canceled this year. So you need something to stimulate the couch potatoes and still keep the game good for the live spectators. Here is the solution: Get rid of the puck and replace it with a live chihuahua.

Soccer: Replace that boring ball with a live cat! We had an article about live cat soccer a year ago. (Click to read the article.) Live cat soccer is much more exciting than regular soccer and anyone who has seen live cat soccer will never be interested in regular soccer again.

Click to read part 2. Meltingclocktimes.com recommendations on how to improve sports that are not really sports like bowling, figure skating, and golf (plus boxing).