Breaking News! Monday, May 9, 2005!
Meltingclocktimes.com Proposes New Rules To
Improve Major Sports, Part 2
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| Meltingclocktimes.com artistic conception for
improving bowling. |
Last week we came up with rule changes that would improve baseball,
football, basketball, hockey and soccer. (Click
to read.) This week we propose improvements for boxing and
three sports that are not really sports--figure skating, bowling and
golf.
Bowling: The military practices dropping bombs in huge
tracts of land in the desolate Arizona desert. But this kind of bombing,
that demolishes everything, is now obsolete. As we saw in the Iraqi
war the military precision bombs specific military and strategic targets
leaving civilian areas untouched. Military jet bombers need new practice
targets that are in civilian areas. Meltingclocktimes.com proposes this:
Drop bombs on bowling alleys. This is the only way to improve bowling.
This can become a great sport that would also benefit the military.
For example, if a bowling alley has five lanes a jet bomber can try
and demolish four lanes and leave the pins standing in one lane. People
can bet on how many pins will still stand. Also, a bomber would get
extra points if he incinerates the place where they keep those stupid
looking bowling shoes.
Figure Ice Skating: First of all there will be different
rules for male ice skating and female ice skating. Male figure skating
will be performed only in bowling alleys simultaneously with bowling
matches (new style with the bombing). Mixed male/female skating will
be illegal.
Female Figure Skating: All female skaters must start out their routine
in lingerie and finish totally nude.
There will only be one type of musical accompaniment allowed: Live punk
rock music.
There will be absolutely no fucking judges holding up numbers at the
end of a routine. If any judge manages to get in an arena and hold up
a number it will be legal to shoot the fucker.
“So then,” you ask, “how do you pick the winner?”
Who cares? The girls skated around to punk rock, they took off their
clothes and got their tits cold. As far as we are concerned they are
all winners! Give them all a gold medal!
Golf (Which is not a sport, but if the following suggestions
are enacted it will be a sport):
Fence in each course. Then you let loose alligators, bulls and grizzly
bears. No golf carts allowed. The golfers must wear red and smear salmon
guts in their hair to ensure the bulls and grizzlies don't ignore them.
The sand traps will have real traps and land mines.
Boxing: You can hit the referee. But here is the catch:
the referee can wear a helmet and brass knuckles and hit you back. So
if you get the ref pissed off it will be two against one. So it will
take clever strategy to hit the referee just at the right time and whack
your opponent below the belt. But what's a better way to keep the fighting
fair? If you cheat the referee belts you in the face with brass knuckles!
Suggestions for all sports: No more indoor stadiums! What have
we become Americans? A bunch of pussies who can't take a little weather?
It is great fun to watch and play football in the ice and snow. However,
scantily clad cheer leaders should have bonfires or be in heated glass
enclosures so they will be enticed to wear very few clothes.
Click to read Meltingclocktimes.com
suggestions for improving major sports, part 1.
