Ground Breaking News!
We reported three years ago that Walmart was going to raze the White House and build a super center there.(link) While Bush was eager to catch up with the rest of America and move the White House to the suburbs the Bush transition team ran into problems. A few months down the road the Republicans lost control of congress and had trouble passing their agenda. So Bush administration officials concluded that by the time they would move the White House to the suburbs their term would be over anyway. But Walmart still wants to take over the capital. They have already conquered the rest of the country–so they jumped at the opportunity to build a
–> super-center at the Treasury site.
Walmart spokesman Igledud Zuperzord said, “Demolishing a historic Greek revival building with stately Ionic granite columns and putting up a giant cinder-block box and a vast asphalt parking lagoon will not degrade but improve Washington. That is because Americans demand ample parking and we are providing that. And what about DC tourists that have few places to buy a soda or a cheap disposable camera or a snack? Now you will have the opportunity to munch on Cheetos while you tour the Smithsonian-at least until they sell that also.”
“It makes sense for a Treasury Department land sale to Walmart,” said General Services Administration spokesman Elbert Hunderdunk. “The Treasury building is stately and has sentimental and symbolic significance to many Americans. But it is an old, outdated structure. Instead of always upgrading the worn out building why not just redo it with a contemporary design? And should the government dictate what replaces the building? We think the private sector, via Walmart, knows best how to build something that is popular with Americans. Also real estate prices are low but the Walmart corporation is willing to pay handsomely for the property. I think most Americans will appreciate this opportunity for the government to cash in and help pay down the giant government budget deficit.”
A Treasury Department spokesman told MCT, “The Treasury Department move and Walmart land acquisition is a win-win situation for the federal government and Walmart, and the American people will benefit. People have long criticized Walmart for destroying downtowns. But here is an example of Walmart building right in downtown Washington DC.”
Walmart official Chester Mukokerfield said, “While we will want to build a structure consistent with our corporate store design we hope to pay a tribute to Treasury Department history. We plan on putting plaques in various areas of this new Super Walmart that commemorate historical Treasury Department events. It will really impress our future customers to read a plaque that says, ‘Treasury Secretary Morgenthau signed a decree issuing War Bonds that helped finance WWII here’ or, ‘You are now standing on the site of the former Secretary of the Treasury office,’ as they buy a microwave oven or hair dryer.”
Some citizen groups will no doubt be outraged with Walmart’s plan to pave over the expansive and stately steps and plaza leading up to the Treasury building for a parking lot. “However,” according to Walmart spokesman Chester Mukokerfield, “American shoppers demand convenient parking and we have to give the public what they want.”
“The business of Walmart already works with the Treasury Department and the Chinese who produce 80% of the items we sell. So it is fitting that we use the Treasury site. The Chinese produce hair dryers and plastic storage containers and we sell them in Walmart. Americans buy these items, we take a cut and give the money to the Chinese. Then the Chinese buy U.S Treasury Bonds. So they send the money right back. So Walmart gives the Chinese money and the Treasury takes Chinese money.
“Eventually, and it’s already happening, the Chinese will wake up, along with other big bond holders such as the Saudis, and say, ‘If we give them money to buy our stuff aren’t we working for free?’ The Chinese and the Saudis will think if the Americans don’t produce much themselves and have astronomical deficits how can we trust their bonds will be worth anything? Are they worth anything now? Perhaps Zimbabwe bonds are better.
“So what will happen? Since US Treasury bonds will be worthless and the Chinese own so many they will probably put a lien on US government property. So before you know it the Chinese and other big bond holders like the Saudis will own our National Parks and probably a lot of federal real estate here in DC. The Chinese will take over other federal buildings like the State Department, Health and Human Services, etc and convert them to sweat shops. They’ll make, in America, useful plastic stuff like salad spinners, place-mats, dog bowls, that they are so good at producing–you know the kind of stuff you buy in Walmart. Since the dollar will crash American wages will be as low as Chinese wages. The Chinese will make use of their confiscation of American property to do what they know best: Build factories to produce cheap junk filled with low wage workers.
“By this time we also expect fuel for transporting these Chinese goods to be much higher. But it will not matter because our stores, like the former Treasury building site store, will be near other government buildings that the Chinese will convert to factories. Almost every city in America has a federal building. When the Treasury defaults on paying China back its bonds China will take possession of the buildings and set up low wage sweat-shop factories. Walmart now has a China-America shipping pipe-line and a trucking warehouse on wheels that works great in a cheap fossil fuel era. But we expect the cheap fossil fuel era to end. But it will not matter. We will get American workers, employed by the Chinese in converted federal building factories, to deliver the goods via rickshaw across town to Walmart. We will not be dependent on our fossil fuel burning truck fleet anymore and will thus remain America’s most successful retailer. We will continue to save you money so you can live better–even if you are a slave laborer in a Chinese factory! So we are set up for the future!”