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History Making News! Tuesday, June 15, 2004! Updated! Tuesday, July 6!
Meltingclocktimes.com Recommendations For John Kerry's Vice Presidential Running Mate
Help advise Kerry and vote for your choice below

Tuesday, July 6! Update! Update! Update! Update! Update! Update! Update!
John Kerry Mistakenly Does Not Take Meltingclocktimes.com Readers' Advice And Taps John Edwards for VP Running Mate
John Edwards Had Electro-Shock Therapy On Genitals!
On June 15 we put up a poll on this page with recommendations for John Kerry's VP running mate. If John Kerry really wanted to bag the presidential election he would have taken you readers' advice and chosen Harold the Chimpanzee for his VP running mate. It is a mystery why Kerry failed to listen to us --all of our candidates are excellent and a much better choice than John Edwards. Perhaps Kerry thought that because few people took part in the poll it lacked validity. We think few people participated in the poll because it was difficult to pick between the excellent choices.

Dear Readers, we still need to vote! We do not believe John Edwards is certain yet. In 1972 George McGovern dropped his first VP running mate, Thomas Eagleton, because he had electric shock therapy. Our sources tell us that John Edwards also had electro-shock therapy. Society is more tolerant of these things now. However, we have learned that John Edwards had electro-shock therapy on his genitals!

There are other problems. John Kerry and John Edwards have the same first name. There are too many Johns in this country and we are sick of hearing that name all the fucking time. Reader! You probably know ten people named John. Now we are going to have to hear that damn word every time we turn on a radio or TV. Perhaps your name is John? Just how do you like everyone else using your name? Not only is it irritating, it is confusing. When word gets out that Edwards had electro-shock therapy we will see articles that say, “John, running mate of John, got electro-shocks on his john. It must have hurt every time he went to the john.”

Also, Edwards is a lawyer and Americans hate lawyers.

We still need to vote in the poll in case Kerry needs to choose again. Mr. Kerry knows he will be able to depend on Meltingclocktimes.com for wise advice. In case Kerry does keep Edwards do not despair. He is not as bad as Dan Quayle and we survived that. The voting here will not be in vain. When Kerry sees the support you readers give to our candidates he will likely pick some for cabinet positions. So please do your patriotic duty and vote below.
Update! Update! Update! Update! Update! Update! Update! Update! Update!

John Kerry is a busy man, but he does take out some time to keep abreast of issues and reads Meltingclocktimes.com. So, we want to recommend vice presidential running mates that will give a bang to the campaign. Just a few days ago Senator John McCain refused Mr. Kerry's invitation to join him on the ticket. Don't worry Mr. Kerry. While you were banking on McCain we did some research and came up with other excellent vice presidential possibilities. Mr. Kerry, if you want to win the White House we suggest you pick one of these great Americans:

Jesse Ventura: Jesse Ventura did not run for reelection for Minnesota governor because he was sick of the “jackals” in the media. The American public is sick of these gossiping yellow journalist cutthroats. That is why non jackal publications like Meltingclocktimes.com are getting millions of readers. The American public wants Ventura back. Jesse Ventura is just the guy who will add some color and help beat the hell out of Bush and Cheney inside or outside the wrestling ring. If Ralph Nader got the bright idea to take on Jesse Ventura he would have got a lot more votes. Mr. Kerry, don't let Nader beat you to it this time.

Jenna Jameson: She's hot, she's sexy, and an excellent business woman. She does it with men and women, so she will appeal to gay voters also. We have a mean streak of puritanism in this country and these puritans will be outraged by a porno star vice president. However, 90% of those puritans will vote for Bush anyway. Everyone else would love to have Jenna Jameson for Vice President. In the 1980's Italy elected porno star Ciciolina to their Parliament. If we are the world's most powerful country why are we 20 years behind Italy in electing porno stars to government office?

Harold the Chimpanzee: Bush has a terrible environmental record. Mr. Kerry, you can show the world that you respect the environment and animals by picking a chimpanzee for a running mate. Why not? Chimpanzees are the most intelligent creatures in the animal kingdom. Meanwhile, many vice president's have been blockheads. Remember Dan Quayle? How could we do worse with Vice President Harold the Chimpanzee?

Walter the Farting Dog: Most politicians blow hot air out their ass. Why not get someone who is straight forward about it?

 

Howard Stern: He's a great wit, he is honest, and has lot's of integrity. Mr. Kerry, you can show the world you are against FCC and corporate censorship by picking a bastion of free speech, Howard Stern

 

 

Hilda Swartzendof: Who is Hilda Swartzendof? She is Florida's Secretary of State Glenda Hood's very best friend. They grew up together in Orlando, Florida and have remained close friends throughout their lives. Technically, after examining all the votes in 2000 Bush won Florida by a minute amount. Who believes the margin of error did not make it impossible to really know who won? In essence, the Florida 2000 presidential vote between Gore and Bush was a tie. Bush only won Florida because Florida's Secretary of State was a Bush family friend and Bush's brother was Governor. Mr. Kerry, be prepared and make sure you are connected to the right people in Florida in case another voting mishap occurs there.

Dear Meltingclocktimes.com Readers,
Many people are so caught off guard by the Meltingclocktimes.com's unusual common sense and clear logic that they mistake our publication as satirical. Believe us, we are very serious about these Vice Presidential candidates. Would not the worst choice in this list be better than Dick Cheney? If anything is a farce it is the society that will not take seriously the great Americans listed here. Help John Kerry decide which candidate to pick and vote for your choice below. John Kerry will likely read this article. When Kerry sees the overwhelming support that you readers give to these outstanding VP choices, he'll be convinced to do the right thing for our country and pick one.

Update: As of this writing it is a few years after the election and the editor removed the obsolete poll that was here. For historical interest the poll results actually had Jenna Jameson winning at the end. Harold the Chimpanzee came in second with Walter The Farting Dog getting third place. Unfortunately, if John Kerry followed the MCT's readers recommendations he would be President now and we would have a porno star instead of a bald old fart for VP.