Every year the Society For Ugly, Poor And Fat Men hold a convention. You are maybe wondering why there is such an organization and convention. Is it to help these guys out with strategies to overcome poverty and obesity? We asked several convention goers why they came. “I come to the convention for the women,” said convention goer Berty Jowlson from Trenton, New Jersey. “Hot women like ugly losers.” This is the answer that every ugly fat guy gave us. And if you looked around beautiful groupies swarmed the convention grounds.
I asked Melinda Goldbukeroos who flanked the left of a heavyweight, poorly dressed coventioneer who was a head shorter than her, why she was attending the convention, “Oh, I just love these guys. They are so down to earth and they don’t try and impress you by throwing money all over because they don’t have any. So you are just down to the essentials.”
LaTusha, who flanked the same fat guy on the right said,
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“These guys really know how to please a woman in bed. When you can’t go on good looks or buy presents for your girl you have to be resourceful—and these guys are.”
When I approached another woman she scoffed at me and said, “Aren’t you kinda in too good shape to be here?”
“I am a reporter writing a story about the convention,” I said.
“Then bug off. I don’t need a guy who isn’t fat and has an apparently good job. Go get fired and put on some weight and then maybe I will talk to you.”
Jeb Waddlestone, a 200 pound, big nosed gas station attendant, said, “The girls,” who were following him around, “at this year’s convention are fantastic. I had a chance to get a good job in a bank a few months ago. But I turned it down. Everyone said I was a lazy bum. But I didn’t want to scare off all these gorgeous women who love us losers.”
Bert ‘Bubba’ Butcowski is on the Ugly, Poor & Fat board of directors, “When we choose a location for the convention we always look for an area near a lot of flea bag hotels. We are all poor losers and no one would be able to come to the convention if we all had to pay big mula for a room. But wherever we go the groupies find us and it is great!”
When I walked out of the convention hall I saw trim, well dressed men who were looking in with envy. “Damn! Those are some hot women in there. I went to medical school and became a successful doctor,” lamented one of the guys. “Then I always ate well and exercised. I’ll never get hot women like those guys do.”
