Genetic Engineers Do It Again! Product Will Revolutionize The Pet Industry!
Genetic scientists have done it again. Researchers at the Acme Genetics Corporation (Web site) have successfully produced dogs without assholes. “This will revolutionize the pet industry,” says Acme Genetics spokesman Ilvord Veganostrup. “Almost everyone loves dogs. But many people did not want to own dogs because of the inconvenience of cleaning up after them. We have eliminated that problem and have opened a whole new market for dog ownership.”
Acme Genetics scientists worked for years altering dog genetics. “We had several prototypes that unfortunately prematurely exploded,” said Veganstrup. “But our engineers did not give up. We engineered new dog
genetics that produced breeds with high metabolisms that burn up calories. But we also used a low tech solution—we did not over feed the dogs. We plan to issue instructions with all dogs that we sell stressing, ‘Feed sparingly. Prevent premature exploding.’”
Harold Hoberstien, an investment analyst for E. F. Huton who tracks the genetic engineering industry says, “This could be a bonanza for Acme. There are millions of dogless people who would love to have a dog without the mess. But there are also millions of dog owners who would love to trade in or retrofit their existing dogs.”
Acme Genetics scientists admitted that there are still some imperfections with the dogs. They will probably only last one and half to two years before they explode. “But dogs do not live long anyway,” said an Acme scientist. “I’m sure most people would give up a few years of longevity for convenience of no dog shit clean up. Also, we are working on a surgical vacuum. About once a year you take your dog to a veterinarian who surgically hooks up a vacuum that sucks the shit out. That will drastically prolong the asshole free dogs’ lives.”
Veganstrup told Meltingclocktimes.com that the dogs will be available this summer. “The cost for a puppy will be five hundred dollars—which is less or equal to many pure breeds. Thanks to genetic engineering advances we can offer a shit-less, asshole free dog for such a low price.”
Whilbert Wakonkakong, a spokesman for the Humane Society is outraged, “This Frankenstein dog breeding is preposterous and cruel. This company should be stopped. How dare they deny these dogs the pleasure of taking a crap.”
Acme Genetics spokesman Ilvord Veganostrup countered, “What is so pleasurable about taking a crap? It smells bad. The material breeds disease and it is unsightly. If Mr. Wakonkadong likes to clean up his traditional dog’s mess let him. But millions of people would love to have a shit free dog and the Humane Society has no right to subject dog loving people to dog shit.”
While animal rights activists are outraged, others like park worker Marian Hotledish are delighted, “Cleaning up after dogs is an unpleasant part of my job. So I hope these dogs become commonplace.”
