Morgan Chase & Goldman Sachs Financiers Helping Out Unemployed By Hiring Them As Human Furniture
Wall Street banking firms like Goldman Sachs are reporting record profits, thanks to back door bailouts, while the unemployment rate is at the highest in nearly thirty years. Recently, in a London Times article GS CEO Lloyd Blankfein said he was doing God’s work and that healthy banks were good for everyone. (link) This trickle down prosperity is clear to see in a new furniture fashion trend spreading among the nation’s elite bankers. Wealthy financiers are taking advantage of the huge numbers of unemployed people and hiring them as human furniture. “Having human furniture is all the rage among the super rich bankers,” says New York socialite Beatrice Nooberstune. “You are nobody if you don’t have at least a few pieces of human furniture. Human furniture is great in your house, but it’s also creating jobs for the poor unemployed. This new fashion is making a statement.”
Harold Washington takes the subway daily from the South Bronx to uptown Manhattan where he crouches over as a piano bench, “Sure, it’s not the most dignified job, but it pays the bills and I am not unemployed anymore. The job’s OK except for the weekly visits from a fat piano teacher who gives lessons to the daughter of the Goldman Sachs tycoon I work for.”
–>After Washington’s shift is over another human piano bench comes and takes over. “They have someone bent over in position 24 hours a day just in case someone decides to get up at three in the morning and play piano,” added Washington.
Other groups like the Long Island Mansion Owner Society are applauding the new trend as an excellent new industry for job creation. Economist Enis Prezelbomb said, “This is an excellent example of how the TARP (Troubled Asset Relief Program) and federal stimulus money to the banks have created jobs and stimulated the economy.”
The fashion is reputed to have started with the famed interior decorator of the filthy rich Brucey Tuchoos, “I took a trip to London and when I saw those wonderful handsome guards at Buckingham Palace I said to myself, ‘Oh, I would just love to sit on them!’ Then I came up with the idea of decorating my clients’ homes with stationary humans like the Buckingham Palace guards. I use a mixed media approach with my design. I use some people for furniture and others for conversation pieces and my clients love it!”
Ebert Ellinstone, an editor of Interior Design Magazine says that, “Human furniture is really an exciting new fashion idea. Each piece is unique and they change with age. But human furniture, while expensive because you need to pay an hourly wage, is also very practical and functional. You can easily move it around and into different positions. Also, if you tire of your human furniture you can change their uniforms or hair style for a fresh new look.”
One billionaire who works for Morgan Chase, and wished to remain nameless, is ecstatic about his human furniture, “Fat people have natural cushions built in and can be quite comfortable. I like to recline on a fat person’s belly while I watch TV. But I don’t use only fat people. Tall people bent over make good tables and desks.
“If you decide to rearrange or redecorate having human furniture is very convenient. You just tell the furniture to get up and move,” added the billionaire. “However, if the human furniture employees move without orders they get fired. When I leave the room and some guy I hired for a chair moves and stretches out he better not let me see it. I believe furniture should be stationary. What good is a chair if you have to chase it to sit on it?”
In the future human furniture may become more common. A New Jersey furniture importer, Furniture International, is planning to import human furniture from the third world. Debold Doodlebocks, F.I. President says, “If we get around government red tape concerning human trafficking we will bring down prices. Then the rich–the lower level bank employees, as well as the super rich high rollers, will also be able to enjoy this hot new fashion.”
But one GS banker said, “With high unemployment here in the US , and also right in New York City, I think that those of us who have had success recently should support the domestic furniture market for our homes and offices to show we care.”
Other MCT articles on the financial crisis: