MCT Guide To Combating Junk Mail

Breaking Public Service News! advocates burning all spammers at the stake. At least ISPs are using great programs like Spam Assassin (and if your email server doesn’t use it you should switch your email service.) And you can avoid much spam by doing simple things like never publishing your email address on a web site. However, because of the deluge of spam we should not overlook idiots who send junk mail–these scum bags deserve the death penalty also. The Meltingclocktimes mansion actually gets more junk mail offering credit cards, get rich schemes, etc., than spam. So is providing this guide to kick junk mail perpetrators in the ass. 

So here is our Send Junk Get It Back guide: Most junk mail has a postage paid return envelope included. So let’s send them the junk back and make them pay for it. Here is how:

Step One:
Here is a typical paper wasting pile of crap. What do you do with it? Do not waste your life reading it unless you want to get a gauge of just how moronic humans are that produce this stuff. The few words I saw in this letter said something about getting the government to give you free money. Are there really suckers out there that go for this stuff? And to think at the same time no other news outlets picked up on our well documented investigations and few people believe in things like Frank Sinatra is still alive or that a VW hippie van collided into the International Space Station

Step 2:

As you can see on the right it says, “No Postage Necessary” So you can conveniently use this envelope to send their garbage back.

Step 3:
(Optional) Rip off your name and address. A few years back I didn’t rip off the address and filled out a credit card application with my left hand saying I was six years old and to contact me about my credit card in Room 6, in my first grade class room. I got a serious bureaucratic letter back that said, “We were unable to complete your application because we could not determine if the applicant was of legal age”!

Step 4:
Take all the crap the junk mailers sent, including the envelope it came in, and stuff it in the return envelope. I have heard of some people attaching bricks so the junk mailers get stuck with paying more postage for the added weight. That is a good idea to get back at the smucks and also if you have dirty bricks you want to get rid of.

Step 5:
Seal the envelope by taping it shut –unless you are crazy enough to lick something a scummy junk mailer sent you. Then write, “Send Junk — Get It Back,” on it.

Step 6:
Turn the envelope over and give them the same message on the front. Feel free to add any other insult and obscenities they deserve.

Step 7:
Drop the trash in your mail box and your friendly postal service man or woman will make sure it gets sent right back to that dirty town where the junk mailers hang out.

Perhaps the word will catch on and people will start following the above steps. If enough people can make junk mailers pay for all this postage then maybe junk mail will decrease. If, however, the junk mailers just start sending their crap without a postage paid envelope perhaps we will have a future article on jamming these idiots’ 800 numbers and web sites.