New Virus Turns People Into Orthodox Jewish Rabbis

These guys looked like ordinary Nascar fans before they contacted the virus at a race in Georgia.
These guys looked like ordinary Nascar fans before they contacted the virus at a race in Georgia.
A new virus is sweeping the nation and thousands of people have been infected. This virus does not make people sick, but the virus makes people believe they are orthodox Jewish rabbis.

Justervod Elsap was a normal guy who watched football, drank beer and worked in a hardware store in Chicago. Last Tuesday he woke up with curly sideburns and insisted on wearing black clothes and a yarmulke. He surprised his buddies when instead of serving beer and pretzels at a football watching get together at his house he served Manischewitz wine with gefilte fish.

Howard McToggleburg, a garbage man in Philadelphia, showed up for work in traditional rabbi attire and held a Torah. He slowed up work because he gave each garbage can a blessing to make sure it was kosher before throwing it into the truck. Philadelphia garbage officials put McToggleburg on sick leave and sent him home.

The virus is causing problems for some folks like Viril and Chesepeak Mchooterswap who are pig farmers outside of Hoboken, Oregon. “This virus is

terrible,” said Mrs. Mchooterswap, “My husband is not that much different except for the beard and yarmulke he insists on wearing. But that he will not send the pigs off to get butchered is going to make us go broke! We used to go to church once in a while. I asked Viril if he didn’t want to go to our church anymore and worship Jesus, and he said, ‘Jesus smeezus! Oye vey!'”

Rabbis have been spoted at other Nascar races.
Rabbis have been spoted at other Nascar races.
Linbucker Vorsterzp, an international espionage analyst with the Heritage Foundation thinks the virus might have originated from the Israeli intelligence service, the Mossad. “Once the virus hits Arab countries it will really cause havoc–but it could bring peace.”

Another theory, that disease experts are saying is far-fetched, about the virus origin was put forth by animal rights blogger Rizap Rikinstveser. “Perhaps the virus was started by intelligent pigs, as a way of promoting a kosher non pork eating lifestyle.”

While government disease control experts are investigating the virus origin and are alarmed about the viruses’ potential to spread they are not looking into the intelligent pig possibility. “While pigs are intelligent animals we think they are not really smart enough to manufacture a virus,” stated virus expert Dr. Elmonteque Vesterainburap at the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta.

Rikinstvser responded to disease control experts dismissal of his intelligent pig theory, “Why don’t you just ask the pigs themselves if you think you are so smart and pigs aren’t? Of course the pigs will not talk and let on to their brilliant plan.”

At the time of publication MCT could not find any intelligent pigs to comment on the veracity of Rikinstvser’s intelligent pig theory, nor did they return our phone calls.

Orthodox Jews are countering that there is a virus at all. Himilden Srunsingberg, a spokesman for the Orthodox Jewish Outreach Center in Hoboken, Oregon said, “Perhaps the people who woke up and became Rabbis came to an understanding that it just ain’t right to mix the meat and the milk. We think God chose these people.”

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