But since we do cover noses we sent a correspondent to investigate the surgeon behind the famous Jackson nose deflation techniques. This led us into a tangled web of Jackson’s inner circle and his connection to Sarah Palin. We were so shocked that we even missed the memorial. (But that was OK because to our dismay Dweezil Zappa was not invited to perform the wonderful tribute song his father wrote about Jackson, “Why Don’t You Like Me?”)
While other publications seek out celebrity personalities MCT talks to gardeners and maids to get the real story. We went to Jackson’s mansion and saw hordes of reporters acting like a bunch of 12 year old girls waiting for someone famous to prostrate themselves to.
Meanwhile we talked to the gardener, Alfonzo Zeeberzanches, as he left the grounds unnoticed,
His mother is half Irish and half American Indian. His father is half Mexican and half Italian. Her father is half black and half Chinese. Her mother is of Eastern European Jewish origin, part Japanese, and part hillbilly. This married couple is made up of ancestors from all corners of the Earth, but they are all American. One thing this couple always had in common was their patriotic love for the USA.
Bernie Wingtlalato, their neighbor says, “They always do it up on holidays. On July the Forth they’ll usually have ten flags waving. They sure love the USA!”
The patriotic multi-ethnic, multi-colored couple always wondered what color their baby would be. So imagine their surprise when
Are chickens following you and hanging around to hear what you are talking about? You thought it was your imagination. Perhaps you thought again and reasoned, “Chickens following me around to hear what I might say? Absurd!”
You are not the only one who has been wondering, “Why is that chicken following me around?” It turns out strange chicken behaviour has been perplexing thousands of people around the country. FBI officials in several regional offices report getting several calls a day about odd chicken behavior. “The phone calls all start out the same,” says FBI agent George Hentduntly, “‘You may think this is a strange phone call, but there is this odd chicken….'”
These odd chicken antics can now be explained
Huge crowds are attending the matches and businessmen in several cities around the world are in intense talks about forming professional teams that could help stimulate the dire worldwide economic situation. Meanwhile attendance at traditional soccer or “futball” matches around the world is plummeting.
“It’s an extremely exciting sport,” says player Benie Evidlobal. “Not only do you need to outrun and out maneuver the opposing team like in traditional soccer, you also need to outrun and out maneuver a live cat. Then cat soccer has the gory excitement of a bull fight when the bull gets killed at the end. That is because usually by the fourth quarter the cat dies after being kicked around so much. Then the whole dynamics of the game changes because it takes a lot of athletic ability to kick around a dead cat and score goals with it. It’s not like it’s a soccer ball and easily rolls around.”
Enid Pelvurtus, a PETA official has tried to get the police and the courts to stop the games. So far he only got the police to delay two out of hundreds of games. “This sport is an outrage and
No one has proved that there is an afterlife. However, people who proclaim they have recently had near death experiences and seance participants are reporting startling news: Johny Cash is now on a prison hell tour.
Supposedly God sent Cash down to hell to give respite in the form of entertainment to the millions of tormented souls. Many sufferers have had no break for a millennium. Elbert Jonesbov, who died in Folsom prison in 1995 while serving life for murder said, “I was given a rotten lot in life and I inflicted evil on people. But what luck I have had to have seen Johnny Cash when I was a young prisoner in the 60’s, in the Folsom penitentiary and now again in hell.” This was reported from a Los Angeles drunk driver, Jed Strutermean, who crashed and put himself into a coma for a week. Doctors believed he was dead but he revived at the last minute.
Others are reporting similar stories.
According to Gourmet magazine editor Ciecil Boverooder, “Disgusting food is all the rage now. People just got tired of eating food that tasted good. They wanted something different. But not only did these gourmets get something different. These connoisseurs discovered a whole new world of delectable and unique flavors and tastes that go beyond the ordinary.”
Elford Zeeberzocks got tired of the rat race in Seattle, Washington. So he cashed in on his overpriced house a few years ago and moved to the slower paced Hoboken, Oregon. Zeeberzocks thought Hoboken was much like other places in America, a decrepit downtown, with depressing suburban sprawl and crappy post WW II architecture. But even so, Hoboken seemed nicer than other small American cites. It is near pristine forests and mountains and there is a good ski area just an hour away.
Zeeberzocks used to work in construction and spent months remodeling his new house. He ended up with a great place to live that would have cost a fortune in Seattle. But his paradise started looking grimmer –something was strange in his section of town.
Conventioneer Freedombear Dingbouts, hitchhiked from San Fransisco and said, “It’s really exciting to be here in Oregon for this special event. Especially because Oregon has always been an historic hippie mecca.” Then he added, “Do you have any spare change?”
But not everyone is happy that even more hippies than usual will
Meltingclocktimes.com surveyed porno trends and found these scenes in several recent porno movies:
•A popular new film includes group sex with alligators, giraffes and orangutans. In one recent porno movie Honey Bomberooni gets into a male prison and takes on 50 guys at once. Then she does the entire Barnum and Baily Circus (including the animals).
•In another popular new film porn star Hotcha Kaboom sticks an
“Not only do we need to get rid of big cars, big houses, big consumption of junk and resources, but we should also make ourselves smaller,” says Linquensha. So Linquensha and his team of biologists are working on a form of a vaccine that will cure people of, “Goofy tallness.” The idea is that young children get this shot and never grow beyond three feet tall. Also Linquensha is working on a medicine that will shrink existing tall people. And they are having a big small success with laboratory animals. Now they are testing the shortness drugs on humans.
Linquensha makes a pitch for his plan, “Just think of ecological benefits of people half the size: You can fit twice as many people into cars, buses and
Vampires have been avoiding gays for fear of contacting the AIDS virus for 20 years. Up until the mid 90’s the gay population decreased due to fatalities from the AIDS virus. According to Census Bureau statisticians two factors have changed death demographics for gays. One is anti viral drugs that have suppressed HIV and AIDS. The second is that Vampires have been very cautious about sucking gay blood. While other stories like the financial crisis and swine flu make news headlines, it is a fact that vampires kill thousands of people annually. Vampire attacks also injure thousands of people yearly causing them to enter into a nether world of the undead. FBI statistics cite thousands of unexplainable mortalities every year in the US that involve neck punctures and/or blood loss. While the AIDS virus has hit gays hard this other “unknown” pandemic has left gays untouched. Because vampires