Short, Bald, Fat Guy In New Jersey Controls The World

When we approached Hiemie Smielsnucker's house these Secret Service agents warned us to not take any pictures and to leave immediately.
When we approached Hiemie Smielsnucker's house these Secret Service agents warned us to not take any pictures and to leave immediately.

Some people go on about how the oil companies control everything. Others believe the CIA, or Goldman Sachs, or Dick Cheney, or Jews, or even Frank Sinatra (who is still alive) are pulling the strings and in charge of it all. investigative reporters have discovered that Hiemie Smielsnucker, an unassuming, short, bald and fat guy who lives in suburban New Jersey is actually the guy who is in control of the world.

Hardly anyone knows it but Hiemie Smielsnucker is behind everything. He controls oil companies, banks, financial markets, the military, the media and government leaders all over the world are his puppets. You may not have heard of him before but world figure heads from Bill Gates to Barack Obama to the Saudi Royal family know him well and do whatever he says.

A top CIA official confided to us, “The CIA actually

doesn’t know what is going on in the world at all. We got agents begging to get info out of Smielsnucker, but he mostly keeps us in the dark. Once in a while Smielsnucker orders us to do something and you bet we do it. You do not want to mess with Smielsnucker.”

Smielsnucker lives in a very ordinary suburban New Jersey neighborhood. According to a neighbor Smielsnucker is a very private man who rarely even leaves his house. If you go on his street several men in dark suits with reflective glasses will approach you and tell you to leave.

Dr. Everette Hubaduba is a Harvard sociologist who has written extensively on conspiracy theories and the power structures that command the world. “In all of my investigations into who wields power in this world the only credible evidence I ever found was that Hiemie Smielsnucker was behind the scenes controlling everything. He is an amazing and extremely powerful man.

“People who always believed there was a conspiracy of rich white men, or Jews, or oil companies or the CIA were way off the mark,” says Dr. Hubaduba. “The guy who heads everything is just a simple short, bald and fat guy. If anything it is a world wide conspiracy of the short, bald and fat. However, although Smielsnucker has said that sometimes he does consult with other short, bald, fat guys he mostly runs the world on his own without really conspiring with anyone.”

Emily McTooberstien is a waitress in a New Jersey restaurant near Smielsnucker’s house. “Once in while Mr. Smielsnucker comes here in a limousine with his wife and some unfriendly body guards. It shocked me to learn that he was the most powerful man in the world because his wife nags him so much. She says things like, ‘Quit slouching! Chew with your mouth closed Hiemie!’

And you would never guess that he is so powerful and rich by the mediocre tips he leaves.”

No one knows why he runs the world like he does. Smielsnucker acts in mysterious ways,” says political writer and analyst at the Hoboken, Oregon Zapzinger Institute think tank, Dr. Geldrin Boptuey. “The world is messed up. But you have to hope that Smielsnucker knows what he is doing and everything will work out OK.”

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