Tomatoes Grow Noses!
Albert Gosuelezstien got the shock of his life after returning home from the store when he started preparing a salad. He grabbed a tomato he bought and saw it had a nose! He jumped. It turns out that an entire truckload of genetically modified tomatoes that were delivered to a Hoboken, Oregon Safeway store had noses.
Department of health officials quarantined the store area and advised local shoppers that, “While we know of no adverse effects of eating tomatoes with noses, consumers should do so at their own risk.”
Gerald Rutreldov, a manager for Safeway said, “We apologize to anyone who was inconvenienced by the tomatoes with noses and will give a full refund to all who inadvertently bought the tomatoes. For those individuals who still wish to purchase these tomatoes
we will be offering them for 99 cents a pound. That’s a two dollar a pound discount and quite a bargain. And these tomatoes are vine ripened and mildew resistant also.”
The tomatoes were apparently grown from a genetically modified seed stock that was spliced with a salamander nose gene in order to retard mildew. A spokesman from the Monsanto corporation, the seed producer said, “There is no documented case where eating noses have caused humans any harm. The tomatoes’ added resistance to harmful mildew germs far outweigh any detrimental effects that these noses might impose. These noses may have an additional nutritional component protein benefit, that is not normally included in tomato products. Also, the nose can serve as a convenient handle to hold onto to when slicing the tomatoes. The noses can provide a new taste sensation crunchiness that will add variety to your tomato fare. So we are excited about this new product."
However, shoppers like Betty McKracken who passed by the tomatoes at the Hoboken Safeway store said, “I don’t care if those tomatoes have protein. I ain’t eating tomatoes with noses.”
A Monsanto Company spokesman said that, “The noses were a glitch and we will be working to produce mildew resistant tomatoes in the future with no noses, or at least smaller noses. When the American public decides that they want a protein boost from traditionally non protein foods, like salad components, we hope our tomatoes with noses will be more welcome in supermarkets.”
Meanwhile, no one could be found who tasted the tomatoes with noses, but one shopper noted that the tomatoes with noses smell good. A former Monsanto employee, who wished to remain anonymous, said that the company cafeteria serves pasta with a slimy tomato meat sauce that has no meat added!
According to Bud Vertin, editor of Food Trends magazine, “While this looks bad for genetic food engineers, sometimes it takes a while for people to adapt to new foods. In the future tomatoes with noses might be common place. At one time, and even today, some people thought it outlandish to eat this weird orange cheese whiz stuff—but millions of people eat it. How is that any worse than eating tomatoes with noses?”