Zombie Infiltration In America Reaching Epidemic Proportions Due To A New Breed Of Mostly Vegetarian Zombie
–MCT continues its ongoing investigation into zombie infiltration in America
Years ago movies, like Night of The Living Dead, showed what may have been actually based on fact: People in towns across America became brain dead and aimlessly wandered around in search of human flesh to eat. The US military entered these towns and eradicated the zombies. But leading zombie research scientist Dr. Ziegfried Yoddlebucker has unearthed some amazing government documents through the freedom of information act. Dr. Yoddlebucker discovered that in a military budget cost cutting measure and due to public pressure to use less violent methods to deal with conflicts, the US government enacted a program to breed zombies who did not eat human flesh. Somehow these government vegetarian bred zombies interbred with the flesh eating zombies. Within ten years the government was successful in stopping zombie flesh eating rampages. Government records indicate that not one town has been attacked by flesh eating zombies since the 1970’s. However, since zombies do not eat human flesh anymore no one took any action to eradicate them. Their numbers multiplied and now they are
everywhere. The human flesh abstaining zombie population may actually be greater than live humans.
Just what is modern zombie? Dr. Yoddlebucker explains: “A zombie is a person who is brain dead, who has no interest in anything besides flashing lights, as they are attracted to television and junk food that stimulates their nervous system. Modern zombies are capable of driving a car, holding jobs and they are good at small talk. Have you seen a neighbor maybe at the mailbox or getting into to his car who had polite, trivial small talk with you but expressed no real interest in anything? Chances are that this person is a zombie. A sure test to determine if someone is a zombie is to say something ironic. If you get a blank stare it is highly probable that this person is a zombie.
“There are so many zombies now that even the people in the military, law enforcement and the government who should be heading the zombie eradication programs are zombies themselves,” continued Dr. Yoddlebucker. “Meanwhile, our educational system is going to hell because both our teacher and student populations are infiltrated with zombies who do not have brains capable of higher thought processes. Social, environmental and economic problems do not get addressed because America is full of zombies without functioning brains who are capable of dealing with these matters. Even many members of congress are zombies–which explains why so little gets done there.
“So what can we do about this terrible problem of zombie infiltration?” questions Dr. Yoddlebucker. “Because the zombies look so similar to humans and are capable of holding jobs, driving cars, shopping and engaging in small talk it is too difficult to kill them off. If just one real human was accidentally killed in a zombie eradication program it would be a disaster. You can have a hang over and have slept poorly the night before and you could actually come off more out of it than a zombie if no one asks you a complicated question or says something ironic. So perhaps the only tool we have to combat zombie eradication is to talk about complicated things like particle physics and to say ironic things. For example, if you are in a Chinese restaurant and your waitress is blond you can ask what part of China she is from. If she responds, ‘Oh no, I’m from California,’ chances are good that she is a zombie. If you follow with another statement like, ‘Do you think the Heisenberg uncertainty principle in quantum mechanics prevents us from understanding the true essence of sub atomics or do you think an universal field theory is attainable?’ It just might make her head explode. We are experimenting with these alternative zombie eradication methods. But the zombie population is staggering.”
To illustrate the extent of the zombie problem we are reposting the poll we included in a previous zombie article that illustrates that zombies even surf the Internet aimlessly clicking away:
Previous MCT zombie articles:
Scientist Discovers That Many People Who Appear To Be Alive Are Actually Dead