New Oddball Crime Wave: Burglars Stealing Noses

Thieves across the nation are plaguing law enforcement officials and stealing noses. Many people look upon nose theft as comical, but it is no laughing matter to its many victims. An unfortunately typical senario beset a New York city man who wished to remain nameless. Last Monday a man broke into his apartment while he was sleeping and stole his nose. No one knows if the suspect is wearing the nose or what he is doing with it. The NYPD is advising Manhattan residents to report suspicious characters who appear to have two noses or anyone carrying a nose sized bag.

High tech police crime prevention, computerized alarm systems and DNA analysis are all contributing to a lower overall crime rate. “So criminals are resorting to unusual niches in the burglar industry,” says New York police officer Barty Buckmonts. “People do not expect that there are nose thieves—but there are and nose crime is increasing. While people safeguard jewelry and credit cards noses are left out in the open and thieves are taking advantage.”

Officer Buckmonts related another typical case: “A woman walked down

a questionable NYC alley carefully clenching on to her purse. Women take precautions with their handbags so purse snatchers have long been in decline. However, this same woman had the nose snatched right off her face because she was so occupied watching her purse.”

According to Boston University criminology historian Dr. Festus Fousersause, “This is not the first time in history that nose theft has become a problem. In first half of the 19th century nose thieves caused havoc in St. Petersburg, Russia. One man’s plight with losing his nose was immortalized in Nicolai Gogol’s short story, ‘The Nose.’ In 19th century Russia, like today, image conscious newspapers did not cover nose crimes fearing people would perceive the stories as preposterous. But nose crime is a serious social problem that we must address.”

What are thieves doing with the stolen noses? According to FBI nose crime specialist Vinnie Gobuttstunk, “There is a huge underworld of nose trafficking. Nose thieves are selling noses to wealthy nose fetishists. There is a secret network of affluent nose collectors. These wealthy fetishists are fueling the increasing world of nose theft and now even the Mafia is getting involved. Although the world wide economic downturn of the last few years has lowered the black market nose price, nose thieves are making up difference by stealing more noses.”

What are the nose fetishists doing with these noses? “Some fetishists we’ve apprehended,” says NYPD detective Ernie Knockaboxer, “put them in special rooms and hang them on the wall like game trophies. Some fetishists Eskimo kiss the noses in weird masturbatory rituals. You do not want to know what kind of sordid things fetishists use the noses for.”

According to Yale sociologist Dr. Vertouts Vinigradstiener, “This increasing nose criminality is fueled by an increasing predilection in America today for nose fetishism. We are monitoring deviancy and pathology and in recent years we have seen a huge increase in a sexual orientation for noses. Nose fetish web sites like make millions of dollars. In a society where three armed mud wrestling lesbian midgets doing it with farm animals being commonplace and even social acceptable (link about this) social deviants need to find new odd outlets for anti social behavior.”

Dr. Vinigradstiener advised that, “If you feel the uncontrollable urge to steal someone’s nose please seek psychological counseling.” has more extensive nose coverage than any other leading publication. Get your nose into the other nose articles in

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