Vampires Go On Fast To Bolster Blood Supply In Town’s Hospitals

Vladimir Rosapsescu is one of many Hoboken, OR vampires going without blood to help out area hospitals.
Vladimir Rosapsescu is one of many Hoboken, OR vampires going without blood to help out area hospitals.

Vampires are very active in parts of the country. Vampires in Hoboken, Oregon have been so active that local hospitals  put out an alert that there is a blood shortage.

“We put out the message to the media, the Red Cross, and other organizations that we have a dangerously low supply of blood,” said Sacred Thumping Heart Hospital spokesman Dr. Gerson Heeblehoot. “We got hundreds of people to donate blood, but it still wasn’t enough.

“Due to vampire activity here there are just too many blood deficient, sick and weak people unfit to contribute blood,” added Dr. Heeblehoot. “We thought there was nothing we could do and that we were headed for a crisis. But just then the vampires themselves, in the spirit of community, went on a fast to help out the local health situation.”

“People think that just because we suck blood that we do not want to help out our community,” said local vampire Vladimir Rosapsescu. “You know, many vampires have children in local schools and are involved in–>

many civic organizations. Maybe we can drink some pig blood or something for a few weeks, or take a vacation. Anything to help the community.”

Another Hoboken vampire said, “It is no big deal to go for a spell without human blood. If I feel my energy getting zapped I’ll go suck the blood out of some of the neighborhood cats. We got a problem with cat overpopulation here anyway. There is also dog in my neighborhood that howls too much at night. I’d love to sink my fangs into him. I really feel good about being able to help out my neighborhood and the medical community.” “I tell ya,” says town civic leader and hospital volunteer Abe Dinklerod, “These vampires here in our town are just the greatest!”

Long time nurse Alushtinkle Heedrotfirm said, “Our local vampires are really team players! Bravo to those guys for stepping up to bat for our town!”

“I do not condone past vampire behavior,” said Hoboken, Oregon mayor Jelbert McStunkoil. “I sympathize with vampire abuse victims who have entered the nether world. But I gotta hand it to these guys now. They are really helping out our city. Folks who are in an emergency medical situation really have to be thankful. It is no little thing to actually starve yourself for the welfare of your community.”

Local city cop, Sargent Houser McKrackski is skeptical, “People need to realize that vampires are involved in many illegal activities: theft (of blood), breaking and entering, stalking, flying without a pilot license and willful intent to inflict bodily harm. Just because they are involved in charitable activities now does not exonerate them for past criminality. When this blood fast thing blows over I plan to direct my officers to keep eye out for these vampires. And personally, I am still keeping a cross, silver bullets and garlic around. I also advise citizens to do the same and not let their guard down because of a smidgen of vampire good will.”

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