Tobacco Store Receives 10,000,000th Prince Albert In A Can Crank Call If you run a tobacco store one of the drawbacks is all the idiots who call every day and say, “Do you have Prince Albert in a can?” Bertold Humbucker is a third generation owner of New York’s Big Apple Pipe and Tobacco Shop….
Artist Violetta Fadda Is Showing The World Real Art A Meltingclocktimes.com Biographical Profile (Clicca qui per la versione italiana) Click here to go to Amazon & read a wild 35 pg story based on an episode in Violetta Fadda’s life Or here for free:X-Click-X This is a view from the roof of one the world’s most…
Dinosaurs Went Extinct Because They Were Gay Many paleontologists are coming to the conclusion that dinosaurs went extinct because they were gay. According to MIT scientist Dr. Irwin McCorynouat, “There is a growing body of paleontological evidence of widespread dinosaur homosexuality. Apparently many dinosaur species lack of interest in the opposite sex led to a…
MCT end of the decade prognostication for the next decade and beyond: Last updated in 2011 — But still relevant! –MCT prognostication for the next decade and beyond in the case civilization does not collapse. (So the predictions here may not happen.) You will never find a more absurd, bizarre, off the wall but at…
WOMAN SITS ON GUM ON CITY BUS AND GETS STUCK TO SEAT FOR THREE YEARS The amazing survival story of Mildred Felkelstien’s three year ordeal on a bus! Mildred Felkelstien is a retired school teacher who one day went out for a simple bus ride across town to visit her daughter. The bus ride turned into…
Whipped Cream Factory Explodes, Entire Town Buried Under Whipped Cream Hundreds feared dead It was a typical American town, with tract homes, a shopping mall, fast food chains, a Walmart surrounded by a huge parking lot and a dead down town. One thing that was unique in Hoboken, Oregon was the Acme whipped cream factory….
Toilets Attempt Toilet Humor & Some Aren’t Laughing The Standard American Toilet Company has come out with a new hi-tech talking toilet that is causing a waterfall of controversy. Apparently wise guys in the factory programed the toilets to blurt out insults like; “Whew! Was that a big one!” or, “Whoa, that’s a stinker! If…
Recycled Toilet Paper—Questions Arise On How Toilet Paper Manufacturers Get The Shit Out Everywhere you look you see recycled products. Newspapers are made with recycled newspapers. Recycled bags in the grocery store, recycled paper towels. Meltingclocktimes.com salutes the paper industry’s endeavours to save trees by using recycled paper. But we have to draw the line…
A new virus is sweeping the nation and thousands of people have been infected. This virus does not make people sick, but the virus makes people believe they are orthodox Jewish rabbis. Justervod Elsap was a normal guy who watched football, drank beer and worked in a hardware store in Chicago. Last Tuesday he woke…
These Elvis impersonators actually believe that they are me!
A new sport is sweeping the nation. Skydivers are jumping out of planes without parachutes. They are attaching themselves to a string of live turkeys. Apparently the turkeys go nuts and flap their wings and act as a parachute. And with live turkeys going for less than a dollar a pound it costs a lot…
It used to be that a magazine like Playboy publishing pictures of a woman’s tits would outrage people. Four or five years ago Janet Jackson exposed her breast during the Super Bowl half time show and caused a controversy. But we wonder if anyone would notice if she did it now –just a few years…
An End To World Hunger? Surgeon Transplants Goat Stomachs Into Poor People So They Can Eat Grass A prominent surgeon from the Hoboken, Oregon Medical Institute, Dr. Midros Hienzmucker has perfected a revolutionary way of ending world hunger. Dr. Hienzmucker crafted an operation that transplants a goat stomach into a human stomach. The human recipient…
Is your life better than it was fifteen years ago because we have the Internet now? Think about it. Isn’t it a giant waste of time? Sure, putting parasites like travel agents, stock brokers and newspaper classified advertising monopolies out of business is good. Sure, the wealth of information is good. But mostly the Internet…
MCT wrote about Dr. Vivold Linquensha more than a year ago. (link) Not only did he make billions in biotechnology, but Linquensha foresaw the housing collapse and shorted banks in 2008. (Linquensha likes short things) Linquensha became one of the richest men in the world. And what is Linquensha doing with his wealth now? He…
Vampire Tree Terrorizing Town Hoboken, Oregon has had a rough year. First their whipped cream factory exploded and buried the town under many feet of whipped cream killing hundreds of people. (link) Much of the town is still buried but got little attention due to bigger disasters in the gulf and Haiti. Then just last…
Breaking Public Service News! Meltingclocktimes.com advocates burning all spammers at the stake. At least ISPs are using great programs like Spam Assassin (and if your email server doesn’t use it you should switch your email service.) And you can avoid much spam by doing simple things like never publishing your email address on a web…
Stephen Montipoopleir of Paris, France has the world’s biggest nose. He works in the specialized field of perfume sampling. When perfume factories get batches of lavender or sarcophagus they need smellers to distinguish the good and bad batches. Motipoopleir’s nose is not only the biggest but it’s one of the best in the industry. Its…
A new sport is sweeping the nation and the world: Live cat soccer. The game is played with a live cat instead of a ball & animal rights activists are outraged! Huge crowds are attending the matches and businessmen in several cities around the world are in intense talks about forming professional teams that could…
Startling New Scientific Discovery: –All men have a common ancestor who is the result of a cat fucking a sheep Scientists at a Hoboken, Oregon University have discovered evidence that man evolved from a mating of a sheep and a cat, not from apes. The evidence, which seems absurd at first and flies in the…
It is the most bizarre thing ever to occur in the history of humanity’s endeavors into space. Yesterday a psychedelic VW hippie van, with two long hair hippie skeletons, collided into the international space station. The hippie skeletons were outfitted with frazzled tie-dyed t-shirts and one skull had a joint in his mouth. They had…
Some people go on about how the oil companies control everything. Others believe the CIA, or Goldman Sachs, or Dick Cheney, or Jews, or even Frank Sinatra (who is still alive) are pulling the strings and in charge of it all. Meltingclocktimes.com investigative reporters have discovered that Hiemie Smielsnucker, an unassuming, short, bald and fat…
We are republishing the following because it fits the Halloween season and explains the headless elections coming up: A shocking update to Washington Irving’s “Headless Horseman!“ Headless People Terrorizing Cities And Towns Across The Nation! Horsemen do not travel America’s roads today, but the headless are more numerous than ever. Beware! It is deep into…
Genetic Engineers Do It Again! Product Will Revolutionize The Pet Industry! Genetic scientists have done it again. Researchers at the Acme Genetics Corporation (Web site) have successfully produced dogs without assholes. “This will revolutionize the pet industry,” says Acme Genetics spokesman Ilvord Veganostrup. “Almost everyone loves dogs. But many people did not want to own…
Occasionally, after dinner I like to smoke a cigar. So the other day at a restaurant I went outside to a smoking area. Another customer came and lit a cigarette. 2 others were already there. A little guy who looked up and said, “Look Dad!” And blew some smoke rings into the air. “Pretty good!”…
Edwin Tomato says his family has had the name “Tomato” for centuries and all farmers and produce dealers owe him and his family back royalties for using his family name for their food product. “There is no evidence that any of my ancestors gave any farmer the right to use our name with the vegetable…
Artificial Intelligence, revolution, or bubble? Mania or excitement for positive change? Exaggeration or witness to a brave new world? Blind rosy hype hope or inability to see plateaus, diminished returns on investment, or things not turning out like expected, bottlenecks, the unforeseen. But AI is already an amazing tool. And woe to those who do…
Been there! Done it! & Zoingzoing didn’t waste billions [like you already, Mr. Musk, Mr. Bezos!] just to go to a crappy nearby desert planet like Mars. Blast off reading about Zoingzoing’s galactic travels with a spaceship powered with shit! You’ll discover the only thing Zoingzoing has in common with other Sci-fi & the space billionaires…
MCT is on sabbatical for now… but history repeats itself. So by clicking around and below you’ll find 100+ articles published here over the years that will always be relevant: Note from MCT CEO Brian Friedkin: From 2004 to around 2012 I regularly published articles here and then I lost interest– Some things like reader…
Every year the Society For Ugly, Poor And Fat Men hold a convention. You are maybe wondering why there is such an organization and convention. Is it to help these guys out with strategies to overcome poverty and obesity? We asked several convention goers why they came. “I come to the convention for the women,”…
MCT Investigative Report: –And that includes you reader!MCT launched a thorough investigation that probed into the media, social and political life. We interviewed thousands of people, we scrutinized hundreds of media sources. We came to the inescapable conclusion that everyone in the US, without exception, is crazy. Are you from another country? Most likely you…
A growing number of doctors and medical care experts have reached the conclusion that many patients who have died or are dying are not really sick or even dead, but that they suffer from a severe form of hypochondria. “The theory, which seems absurd at first, makes a lot of sense when you examine the…
Pornography is a giant industry. Forty to fifty percent of all Internet traffic is devoted to pornography and there are sites featuring everything from midgets to women who pee. But with all kinds of wacky fetishes old hat people are looking for something new. The newest odd fetish to come out of the closet is…
Wall Street banking firms like Goldman Sachs are reporting record profits, thanks to back door bailouts, while the unemployment rate is at the highest in nearly thirty years. Recently, in a London Times article GS CEO Lloyd Blankfein said he was doing God’s work and that healthy banks were good for everyone. (link) This trickle…
A new trend in furniture is spreading among the nation’s elite rich. Wealthy people are taking advantage of the huge numbers of unemployed people and hiring them as human furniture. “Having human furniture is all the rage among the super rich,” says New York socialite Beatrice Nooberstune. “You are nobody if you don’t have at…
If you read my book or articles here, you will find clear, concise, readable language without excess verbiage. This stems from history’s great writers, the King James Bible translators, Daniel Defoe, Shakespeare, who brought into English, bold, clear words and cut excess verbiage. A period of 19th-century English literature had flowery, ornate language. But this…
Life Is Rough For Man Named Ebakaneebervanderspunklemcdooodlefuch Smith How would you like to go through life when people you have known for years cannot even pronounce or remember your name? That’s how it is for Ebakaneebervanderspunklemcdooodlefuch Smith. Ebakaneebervanderspunklemcdooodlefuch Smith says his parents gave him his long unique name because the family has such a common…
Engineer Invents Perpetual Motion Machine With Beer Cans Pollution Free Technology Will Revolutionize The World Engineer Rufus Thornburt might not be a household name yet, but Thornburt and some alternative energy innovators believe one day he will be as rich and famous as Bill Gates. Rufus Thornburt has invented an innovative but simple way of…
Word Mix-up Disease Afflicting Millions Have you ever thought, “The birds are blooming, the sky is singing, the flowers are blue and yet something is wrong?” Everything seems right and going beautiful but still everyone dislikes you. You may be the victim of a discovered newly disorder called, “Word Mix-up Disease.” According to psychiatrist Dr….
Every day is April Fools day at MCT. We are living in a world of fools–so isn’t that appropriate?
Chickens & Other Birds Attacking Cell Phone Users! Bud Clampet is an Indiana farmer. Every once in a while Bud would jump in his pick up and visit Chester McFoulden who lives a half mile down the road. Last fall Bud got out of his truck and walked up to Chester who was sitting on…
Jehovah Witnesses And Mormons In Major Turf Wars Over Door to Door Trafficking Both the Mormon and Jehovah Witness religions are growing and it was inevitable that the two groups would clash on the streets. It’s getting ugly out there. Turf battles are erupting between Jehovah Witnesses and Mormons. Police in several cities across the…
Surgery Botch Up In Operating Room: Man Ends Up With Two Noses! Don Kahuna, chef and owner of the famous Hula Huli Chicken restaurant in Springfield, Oregon was having problems with throat infections. (They were probably exacerbated by his yelling at his employees on how to cook chicken in his exacting way.) So on doctors…
No one had heard from Elbert Wingducker for weeks. Finally his sister broke into his house and found Elbert’s skeleton in the shower with a thick lather of shampoo on his head. Hundreds of empty shampoo bottles were strewn all over the bathroom floor. Apparently Elbert Wingducker was a man who took things too literally….
MAFIOSO THUGS TERRORIZING “LOW CARB” RESTAURANTS Italian Food Lovers Say “Low Carb” Trend Is Terrorizing Good Food Restaurants in Italian sections of cities across America that have advertised “Low Carb” are getting windows broken out and thugs are beating up “low carb” chefs. Panic is sweeping through the restaurant industry. I called up my friend…
********* January 2012 Update!!! ******** The satire below from 3 years ago totally changed the Kindle. I don’t know if Jeff Bezos actually read this, but is it a coincidence that everything I made fun of –from the high price to the non open platform has changed? The new Kindle works better and costs one…
Man Trying To Break World’s Record By Singing “10,000,000 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall” Shot To Death By Wife “10,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall, 10,000,000 bottles of beer. Take one down and pass it around – 9,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall.” That is how it all started. It ended with…
Restaurant With Disgusting Menu Turning Away Crowds Menu Items Include Unwashed Pig Anus, Mashed Donkey Brains, Savory Eye Balls, And Bull Penis Sautéed In Fish Guts Restaurants are suffering in the current economic crisis. Some restaurants have tried substituting cheap rotten ingredients for fresh expensive ones in the hope that lower prices will attract dinners….
